MY BIRTH EXPERIENCE. . . and 16 weeks on. . .

[Becks-13-02-14]

Hello first of all can i say thanks to all who gave me support whilst i was pregnant, i havent updated for ages, infact last time i did i had just had a sweep in the hope of getting my labour going!!

Well after two sweeps, two pesseries, having my waters broken and being put on a drip, my labour finally got going, i had 14 hours of labour and eneded up being rushed in for an emergency c section :/

my LO arrived via section at 3am on 27th feb (14 days late)

My LO had begun to get distressed during my labour and had released his bowels and his heart beat was dipping whilst i was having contractions, plus id only gotten to 6cm so this is the reasons behind my need for a section, which i totally agree with, we needed to get my baby out quickly and safely.

i was given an epidural but i could still feel parts of my stomach, so in theatre i was given a spinal block to top it up, which did the trick as i couldnt feel anything from my neck down.

My LO came out floppy and purple so he needed the oxygen mask for a little bit, i knew there was something wrong as they didnt show me him straight away they rushed him off to the side, this was the scariest time of my life, i was terrified.

but thankfully he was ok and they soon brought him over and placed him in my partners arms :')

we named him Riley he was just so beautiful. . .

Now 16 weeks on i am still suffering as a result of my section, both physically and emotionally. . .

i still cant feel my stomach and i have nerve damage to my siatic nerve, i still get terrible pains in my back and stomach and i often get numb legs, even to the point where i fall over or stumble forward, especially when leaning over (i.e.when loading the washer)

i have days when i can hardly walk, im bent over, and physically cant straighten up as the pain is that bad, i have had to give up BF too, i tried to fight the pain as the long as i could as i was determined to BF Riley, but at 16 weeks i have just stopped now as i just cant take the pain anymore, and as my LO is getting bigger and heavier i am struggling more and more to carry him.

i am attending physio regularly too to try and help my back and legs, i also have problems down stairs as i have not been able to feel in anything in my vagina, i cant even feel intercourse :/

and i am struggling going to the loo too, i dont know when i needed to release my bowels, the only indication i get is when i feel pressure or my stomach hurts

i am experiencing heart palpitations all the time, i am not sure if this is normal or not :/

but i am also very down and feel upset that i needed a section, i know i should be greatful my little one was well and i understand i needed a section for his benefit but i feel like ive been cheated of my birth experience, if this makes sense, i dont remember alot from my section and the few hours after it are pretty much blank, i feel terrible that i didnt bond with my LO straight away or was able to feed him, i was just so out of it, i didnt really know where i was and i couldnt feel my boobs to know if he was able to feed from me at all :/

i couldnt lift him for hours and struggled to care for him for the first 24 hours as i was bed bound and had no feeling in my arms still, i tried my best but i feel like i let him down. . .

the nurses and midwives were terrible, i understand they were busy but i needed help and i wasnt even monitored after my section, i was placed in a recovery room and left, they told my OH to go home and get some sleep as he had been with me for the past 2 days in hospital before LO arrived and they promised him they would help me and check on me regularly, but they didnt, OH left at 6am and i was left alone till 10am. i couldnt even reach the buzzer to call for help as i couldnt lift my arms.

i love my LO more than anything in the world, i really do and i wouldnt lay down my life to protect him, but i just feel so down, even now (16weeks later) i cry ALOT, i cry over silly stupid things, im always tired and i just feel overwhelmed with emotions, i get snappy, and very argumentative, i just dont know whats wrong with me. . .

my OH doesnt really understand, he just argues back with me all the time or calls me miserable, he cant understand why i feel this way. . .

does anyone else feel this way??

sorry for LONG speech xx

(photo is of Riley 2 days old, still in hospital)

[Steffi_27]

Firstly your not alone in feeling this way and there's is absolutely no shame feeling the way you do. Labour can be a very traumatic experience at the best of time let alone with the complications you have experienced but your here and your baby is safe and well so a big well done and congratulations and your doing a fantastic job. You should be really proud to have the courage to speak up about how your feeling. I'm sure the physical affects will heal in time, just be patient and get plenty of rest. I know it's a scary thought but you really must speak to your health visitor or GP and your OH about how your feeling emotionally, these are the people that are best able to help you. Please remember that your not alone and there is nothing wrong with how your feeling and your doing a fantastic job but it is important to speak to you're health visitor of GP

[Hidden in reply to Steffi_27]

Perfectly put, Steffi_27!

I don't really have anything to add, only to reiterate that it's important that you talk to your GP and Health Visitor. Also, remember, your hormones will be all over the place still, which, coupled with a traumatic birth, is why a lot of people feel teary and upset. As for your OH, I'm sorry to hear that he's being snappy and calling you 'miserable'. All I can suggest is to persevere with explaining why you feel the way you do and how his reactions may not be helping.

Riley is adorable, by the way X

[Hotdiggitydog]

Firstly.....what a gorgeous little bubba! Secondly I too had emergency c section after a month of leaking and contractions and false starts....a long story. I also had to be put under as they couldn't make the epidural for the section work for no reason so I completely missed the birth. I was ill with an infection as was my baby and he was in scbu. We were in hospital for a week and I was so ill and in pain. I struggled physically for months with numerous infections, etc and emotionally the baby blues hit me so hard and as much as I loved him, I didn't bond properly with him at first and found it hard to face. I was in tears and felt desperate all the time. I also grieved for my birth experience...I never expected it to be perfect or all to plan but to be awake and not ill would have been nice. I also had to give up breastfeeding as I was so unwell. All I'll tell you is, it's so natural to feel this way. And remember your hormones remain all over the place for quite a while after birth. I was lucky and it all improved. Now I am more back to myself and have a healthy happy almost 10mth old.

I found talking about all my feelings to anyone who would listen helped lol. It helped me work things out in my mind and helped me offload emotions. I still feel sad for the experience I longed for, but I can deal with it now. Of course you are grateful for the safe delivery of your baby, it doesn't stop you feeling sad for how it happened and the sudden and traumatic way in which it happens. It was a total shock to get rushed off like that, it takes time to get over. Just give yourself the time, be kind to yourself, talk about it as much as you need to and hug up the baby haha x

[Hidden]

Well said, previous posters! Not much to add except to say I am totally impressed that you bf Riley for 16 weeks. It's not easy to start with even when everything is well. You should be really proud of yourself for giving him a really great start to life. Well done! Also like the other posters I think it sounds like you really need to talk about your experiences. My hospital (UCH in London) does a 'Birth Reflections' programme where you get to talk through the birth with doctors and midwives if you want. Don't know if all hospitals do this. Also (and as this is an NCT site!) I did the NCT Early Days course and found it really useful. You might find that that is a good place for you to talk about what happened. Good luck and I hope you find the support you need. X

[firefly_]

I echo what the previous posters have said. And what a lovely bub, congrats

I'm so sorry to hear about how you are struggling It sounds like you have been through a lot, you don't need to push it under a carpet or try to 'get over it' as your partner seems to be implying. Give yourself time to grieve I didn't have the birth I wanted either, I was induced and didn't cope as well as I thought I would, it was really hard and for me, a bit traumatic. And then the first few weeks with bub are so tiring, I really struggled with bf too - it was painful and I had these horrible cracks and sores that weren't healing... I felt awful. Really it's not surprising that so many of us feel low, useless and hopeless at times. But the good news is that I'm feeling so much better these days Please do keep talking - to us, to your friends, to your OH - about how you are feeling - it will help. I spoke to friends and asked for help on here and felt better for it.

Have you had a look at the Birth Trauma Association? They do support by email birthtraumaassociation.org.... and also have a page on getting support: birthtraumaassociation.org....

Please do speak to your GP, I struggled with depression and asking for help from my GP was the best thing I did, they put me in a therapy programme and it helped (although it did take ages to get started). Your GP should be able to refer you for some counselling or therapy. You can also try the the NCT helpline 0300 330 0700

Keep cuddling your bub, you're doing a fantastic job as mama, take care of yourself xx