Chapert 3 The Pits

So the weeks passed while I waited for an appointment with the stroke clinic. The shaking in my right arm continued as did the falls and weight loss. I was exhausted all of the time and no longer recognised the person who stared back at me from the mirror each morning. This was a haggard, ashen faced old man who looked at me from eyes sunken deep into dark rimmed sockets. I lost interest in my appearance, didn't shave and dressed each day in old jogging pants and sweatshirt. A sweatshirt that Laraine got so fed up looking at me wearing, she threatened to burn. Thankfully she only threw it out. Although I would never have admitted it at the time I had sunk into a very deep depression. As I have said I was still being treated for stress by a psychiatrist during this time but refused to admit I was depressed and resolutely refused to take the anti depressants that she had prescribed. All that I did each day was sit in the chair. I didn't even watch tv. I just sat all day staring into space and each day feeling lower and lower. I felt weak, powerless, washed up....finished. I didn't seem to be getting any better and I couldn't see a future for me. Now Laraine will tell you that this was the polar opposite of the man who was her husband. Before all this began I was the type that would leap out of bed at the crack of dawn eager to seize the day. I would not have dreamt of sitting about the house all day, indeed couldn't cope with that and loved to be out working each day. My time in the RAF had taught me to be fastidious in my appearance. Each night I would put polish on my shoes and the following morning would buff them till they shone. I wouldnt let Laraine iron my shirts as she could not meet my exacting standards so I would do this myself and they had to be as white as the driven snow, if not or they showed any sign of wear they were consigned to the charity shops. I wore the best of suits and left the house each day as smart as paint. I just couldn't see a way back to the man I once was. Laraine deserved better than this. I felt like a burden on her and Lauren. I missed my grandchildren. Added to this, in the background I had a court case looming with, what I thought to be a real possibility that I might go to prison. I hadn't been able to work in God knows how long, was getting no state assistance of any kind . My life had imploded and I hated myself for being so fucking weak. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I just wanted some peace; I couldn’t escape from my problems or see any solutions. So one evening, whilst our neighbour Graham had popped in, as he regularly did to see how I was and have a beer or two I went into the bathroom and took a handful of the anti depressant pills that I hadn't been taking and swallowed them back with the beer I was drinking. I can't remember exactly how many I took but it was certainly a few dozen or more. I didn't tell either Graham or Laraine I just thought that I would go to bed that night, fall asleep and not wake up in the morning and that would be better for all concerned. I just couldn't be like this anymore. Well obviously my plan did not work. I woke up next morning. Certainly didn't feel any better, still fucked up but I wasn't dead as I hoped. Later that morning I had an appointment with the psychiatrist and Laraine came with me. The doctor wanted to speak to me on my own so took me into a consulting room and we left Laraine sitting in the waiting area. Invariably I get very frustrated when talking to psychiatrists. In my mind, at every session they ask you the same questions over and over again. I know this is probably a technique they deploy but I find it almost infuriating, going round and round in circles. That day was no different. The same old questions were asked and by the time we got to the one where they ask if you have ever had suicidal thoughts I had had enough and just blurted out that in fact I had and that only the night before I had taken an overdose. I think that took her by surprise a bit but she asked me what I had taken, how many and at what time. I told her and she excused herself from the room. Laraine, who was ignorant of the fact I had taken an overdose told me later that she had seen the doctor leave the room and sprint across the waiting area to another room where we later found out she had been taking advice from the Royal Infirmary. She then asked Laraine to come into the consulting room where she told her that I had taken the overdose. As Laraine knew of my reticence to take pills of any kind and as she hadn't seen me take anything the night before at first she did not believe this and asked me if I was kidding. I could only shake my head. I felt like lead. The doctor told Laraine that she was to take me immediately to the hospital, she had told them I would be coming and there would be a team waiting for me when we got there. So once again Laraine bundled me into her car, the only car we had at this point and hot footed it to the Royal Infirmary. We made the journey in silence. When wee got there I was admitted straight away. I had horrors of them pumping my stomach but thankfully it was far too late for them to do this. I don't think they thought I had done any lasting damage to myself but I was to be kept in for a few days so that they could monitor my heart.

After three days in a ward full of drug addicts and alcoholics I was relieved to be released but not so pleased when I was told that I was once again to be placed in the care of the crisis team. Laraine was less than pleased with this news and registered her displeasure with the doctor who signed my release. It is not often that in Civvy Street that Laraine puts on her " lawyers hat " but she did that day and advised the doctor that she had no faith in the crisis team and that if anything happened to me as a result she would be holding him responsible. Her comments were noted but I was still sent home with instructions to see the crisis team the next day. I can only say that the reception I got from the crisis team the next day was less than warm. Laraine accompanied me and made it plain to them that we did not think that they were of any help and that she wanted me to see a psychiatrist. So the psychiatrist came in and again the same old questions were asked and the same old story told. Strangely, my childhood stutter had returned and i struggled to get my words out. By the end of the session I was utterly and completely mentally and physically exhausted, unable to speak above a raspy whisper with tears coursing down my face. My head was swimming, spinning, pounding, the feeling of nausea swept up from my stomach was almost overwhelming, I was drenched in sweat and shivered as I lurched into the open air. I felt weak, exposed and angry with myself for giving so much of myself away that day and above all embarrassed for having been such an idiot. I'm truly sorry for causing Laraine, Lauren and the rest of my family and friends for causing them to worry during that hellish week.

12 Replies

oldestnewest
  • Hi parki-Al,

    I am glad you are still here and thank you for baring your soul and exposing the desperation and sense of personal loss we all feel. No one understands how much and how quickly Parkinson's destroyed our sense of self. Every day we lose a piece of ourselves, and we can never, ever get it back. That drive to be the best at our jobs and our relationships has developed transmission problems and our thoughts and organizational skills are starting to drag and slip. We lose traction and our lives begin to derail. We desperatly try to hang on but soon realize we cannot.

    I , too, wake up every morning and look in the mirror and am shocked by the tired, haggard, blank face looking back at me and I just don't care any more. I can deal with the pain and the tremor, the balance issues, falling, the stares and the constant pushing and unrealistic expectations from friends and family who think that if I just try harder I will get better. I just want to scream "Shut Up!, Shut Up!. I am not going to get better, my mind will continue to change me and the world around me. Every day will present more challanges to an already exhausted mind and body. If I and all the family and friends who surround me with love can learn to accept the ever changing me, to listen to what I say and give me approval to express my true thought without judgement or consequence then maybe, maybe I will not feel so all alone.

    Hang in there as best you can.

    Jupiterjane

  • my dear al - how i sympathize with you and you thoughts of suicide - i too have thought that if anything should happen to fred - i will definitely want to end my life as he is the constant , the most wonderful man in the world - i am weeping here as i think about what my life would be without him..... he is constantly cheerful and upbeat about this f--- ing desease and loves me to death - i hope you do get some satisfaction from the psychiatrist and whatever else they want you to do but please please dont ever do that again - only if you are sure that it is what your darling family want for you too

    all my love sha xxx

  • Hi Shasha,

    Tryed it dint work wast of time , would not recommend any one to do it,

    just a waste of life

  • How are you? How's the drug holiday going? Let me know.

    Happy Thanksgiving if you celebrate this holiday. If you don't wish you lots of happiness. Tell Fred I said hi and wish him well.

    Hugs and love, Terri

  • Agree with what you said about ever losing Fred. I feel the same way about my Tommy and have told him this as well. We've been together since we were 13 & 14, can't imagine my life without him. Even our kids have said they hope when our times up it's at the same time. :-) :-)

  • I can feel myself all that desperation you felt. I went through similar back in the late 90s.

    The thing is (and you probably will not see it now) but when you come through this it will make you much stronger, and you will have to no doubt to go through other episodes again, you will come out the other end a much stronger person.

    I wish all the very best for you and your family

    you know this site is here all you have to do is post, if any of us can help we will.

  • but when were you dxd with pd then ?

  • you will see in the next few chapters , Calm down dear , ill get to it

  • A stroke or anything affecting the brain often seems to result in depression. I saw it with my late ex-husband and with my daughter who had TBI following brain tumor surgery. Your crisis team seems to be the epitome of uncaring. I'd rather go untreated than be mistreated. As I have done. Thank you for posting. Takes real guts and helps us all. "Still I am not discouraged."

  • Cheers Pat,

  • hi al

    what a roller coasteru u have been on / still are on

    without lARAINE u woudl eb lost

    so plz hang on in there

    lol JIll

    and try and smile :-

    you taughat me how to do smiles remember

    HUGS ADN XX FOR U AND Laraine

  • xo xo xo

You may also like...