I want to be useful and helpful but not to the point of my own discomfort each of us has our own demons to battle and there is a very fine balance in being informative but respecting your own self. but I feel but it is so important for me to take a positive step from what was a very destructive dangerous and difficult phase of my life with this illness. Parkinson's for me has never been a physical challenge it has overwhelmingly been a test of mental fortitude of which I thought I had an abundance. as usual with my posts I apply the usual caveat which is this can only reflect my experience my situation and my life however if you read this and see some of yourself in my words then perhaps you may choose to react. I'm not asking you to I'm not telling you to I'm simply saying this is a situation that I found myself in and thank goodness managed to survive.
obsession starts gently and quietly well it did for me and it was cloaked strangely and innocently and as such I didn't spot it neither did the people around me.
in fact my obsession became a positive outlet to the point where it seems almost inexplicable that's something so destructive actually did good. it first started with drawing and painting and all of a sudden some new found creativity everybody remarked she's using art to heal and to some degree it did. I started projects and encourage others even did fundraising and altruistic acts.
fuelled by the huge amount of time that I had because of lack of sleep I would obsessively draw paint create for hours and seemingly thrive on tiny amounts of rest rarely sleeping at all. this pattern continues for everything that I undertook I didn't do anything unless I did it 100 miles an hour to the exclusion of others and the neglect of myself and my home. I don't quite exaggerate when I say that buying paint became more important than Family.
when does obsession turn into addiction or is it addiction turns into obsession either way it isn't a character trait I used to have but it became dominant it became a monster gripping me and suffocating everything else out of my life. I didn't see it I couldn't see it I didn't see the damage I only started to realise that I was no longer in control when my obsessions stopped being paint and started being things which were far more serious and dark. It may be incomprehensible for me to think that anyone could believe that seemingly gentle art habit signalled the beginning of the darkest period of my life when I narrowly averted death but believe me I am not scare mongering.
I see all around me people painting prolifically people going to the gym for hours people getting multiple tattoos people doing what seems to be just life expression but I do wonder deep down and hope and pray that that is all they are, hobbies.
I no longer have any obsessions or addictions of any kind all this all stopped when I stop taking agonists. I'm free to Breathe Again I am free to fly on my own flight path I have my priorities back my family comes first. I can enjoy my creativity when I w brush but I can also put my paint brush down and walk away and leave it for days. I'm not really sure that my aim with this post has really been met but it is all that I am prepared to write about this topic.
It's Monday the start of a great week and I'm about to have beans on toast!