If one more person says this to me I shall screa m! I am not brave! I am s**t scared but I have no choice about making the best of things if I want to enjoy the time I have left!
Margaret
Who hates "I think you are so brave"? - My Ovacome
Who hates "I think you are so brave"?
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MargaretJ
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58 Replies
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Hi Margaret
Yep! I know what you mean xx G xx
Oh, Margaret! It is such a crass response to something our culture is so terrified of. As we who have or have had cancer know - you have to find a way to deal with what is happening so, as there's no chioce - how can it be brave?
Except - it is! It is brave to find a way through; to renegotiate your relationship with life; to enjoy the time you have left - it is realistic; and (sorry) it is brave. I think what your 'admirers' are saying is 'if that happened to me I fear I would be a gibbering wreck and not able to go on to enjoy anything'. That's not really the case, either - but it's only words!
Hey - who said being scared wsn't brave?? It's far braver to get on with stuff despite the fear - without it you'd just be daft!!
So - I think we are ALL so brave - and I don't care how loudly you scream!!
Having said that - if anyone says it to me they'll need ear-muffs.
Isadora xx
MargaretJ in reply to
Now how about some really decorative ones? Ear muffs that is! Gold Lame? With swansdown trim to hide the extra thick padding? I know we are all dealing with this thing "bravely" it is the pitying tone I find hard to take! I feel like asking if they'd be happier if I spent all my time weeping and biting the carpet!
Mind you I could quite fancy a bit of operatic decline a la "Dame aux Camellias" or Madeline in the Barchester Chronicles. Quite fancy a filmy negligee set and a chaise longue! Trouble is I don't have the figure for it! I'd look more like a barrage baloon than Violetta in La Traviata! A glamourous condition this is not!
M
Well done, very cheerful response to that, made me smile, Diane x
What actually annoys me more than your expression Margaret is 'oh you look so well' - when deep down you know you look and feel s..t !!
Love Anna xx
That too! Especially the accusatory tone! Implying that you can't possibly be ill really! I usually reply that, if I didn't have cancer I'd be healthier than them! It does get my goat though!
Love M
I get really fed up with, 'you look so well' and 'your so brave,I couldn't be as brave as you'. Hells bells what do they expect me to do,cry into my tea! cant help the way I look,but the smile goes on....only when you are alone (I have a great hubby) and dont want to worry those close to us, the panic sets in or the tears. Thats why I love this site, you can say how you feel and you all understand. Love Sue xxx
I am afraid I find this is usually accompanied by pity which is the worst bit. I can cope with cancer, but not pity. I even have found it the voices of Doctors. That is really hard to cope with.
I'm am looking so well, I am going off to be brave in a corner right now! 
Love Lizzie
X
Isn't it just! There are worse things to have! I also hate people insisting on doing things for me! The "does she take sugar" syndrome! People get so hurt when I ask them not to take away my independence, I know they mean to be "kind" and do not realise how demeaning it is. At least here we can rant and get things off our chests to people who understand.
Love Margaret!
Ha ha! Enjoyed that laugh. Laughter does you good. Enjoy your corner moment... PS My nickname is Busy Liz x
Hope your "being brave" in the corner made you feel better Lizzie!
Not as much as the sun shining and listening to some music of my liking 
Hi Margaret
Another comment I hate is......."we could could get run over by a bus tomorrow"....SO!!!...What is that supposed to mean? ( not the same thing at all as a poor prognosis ) people seem to think it is ??? instead we think we might get one or two years maybe five or ten years.
You have to laugh though or else scream, nice to let off steam...thanks
I am sure we all feel better lol
Cheers. xx G xx
I
MargaretJ in reply to
My response to the "bus" comment is "so could I but I am not expecting it, and that is the difference!" Oh it is too good a day to moan! Time to get up and start the day with the toyboys!
M
in reply to MargaretJ
Margaret
Good response (never thought of that) I shall use it from now on,
Wouldn't you just know? ..."It's raining"....the weather always changes when the children are off school, I know we need it and we've had super weather but it's such a shame....oh well! I am off to the canaries on Sat (all being ok) I've no reason to think otherwise.... I have my oncologist check up on thurs though, first one after being told that I'm in remission.
Enjoy your grandson (lucky thing) xx G xx
Dear Margaret
Yes , people say it to me all the time and I'm never comfortable with it either .Especially when you see youngsters, little ones having to go through similar treatments as we do, as they have been so unfortunate to be struck down with this horrible b####ard disease. I have always thought these little ones are so, so brave.
But you know what ,I believe I am too. I have sat and thought about this last year and how I have kept myself strong , when really I wanted to run a million miles from here.But yes , Isadora is right , we are brave. If being brave means not showing you are scared, well yes , we can take that honour.And if being brave is showing a quality of spirit that enables us to face what lies ahead , well heck , that sure is us girls.. Somedays I feel quite different , stronger, more confident and ready to take on the world,is that being brave ?But somedays I don't want to face the world,but I don't see myself as a coward .
We are living with this cancer , not dying from it , and yes that is being brave ,and strong and courageous and any other honour you can think of.......
Lots of love to you all
Suzie Que
xxxxx
I suppose we are "brave" in a sense but it is the way people say it. Some with pity (unbearable) and others almost accusingly as if by putting a good face on things means the illness is not real but a pretense somehow. I am not putting this well but I feel as if I am expected to go round with a bell shouting "unclean" and "woe is me" like a medieval leper instead of getting on with life as best I can.
It was a lovely sunny day yesterday but cold and it looks as if the weather is due to deteriorate, much to the annoyance of my youngest grandson who was hoping for more beach time. Looks like another expensive trip to the cinema before I go home!
Margaret
I hate the pity, but I do feel for my friends, they are so afraid too, and don't know what to say, I always say I don't have much choice. I try to be positive, always hoping for the miracle! my mother died of this 30 yrs ago, not much treatment available for her. I have survived 5 yrs now with very little remission, less than 2 yrs and none lately. My son said to me at the outset I think you will live 'with' cancer and I have learnt that life is now not when the current chemo ends and the dreaded scan results! I love the sound of you lot and I need you, bit of a newbie to Ovacome but love it when there is a post in my mailbox. I hope to spend many years with you all, love Diane xxx
Welcome to the group! I find this such a supportive set and it has helped me to get through the months since my last op and colostomy when I have felt unable to "face" friends in case I "lost it"! One or two avoid me because they can't handle the inevitability and one or two I avoid because I can't handle the doom and gloom. My surgeon told me at the start that this was a condition I would learn to live with and one does because one must! I put on a brave face but I am not brave! Mostly resemble a jelly, though slimming world is helping me to correct that a bit! LOL!
Margaret!
Thank you Margaret, I like it here! I tried another forum but it was a bit slow in response if any, when we pluck up the courage to post i guess we need some encouragement, love Diane xxx
I think the best thing about this site is that we can chat and no one will say "now no talking about cancer". I know some people prefer to ignore their disease, in the hope that it will just go away, and if that is their way of coping with the illness it is fine by me but, for myself, I cope by talking about it! I face my demons in the hope that my bossy, control freaky personality will frighten the whatsits out of them and they will run away!
If people without the disease expect me to tread delicately for fear of hurting their feelings by refusing to pretend that I have "recovered" then I don't want to know them! I don't even talk about remission I just get on with living!
This site encourages me to do just that!
Welcome Diane!
Thank you Margaret, yes, I am open about mine even to saying which one I have! I think some people feel awkward when you mention ovaries! my Facebook friends all know and cheer me on when I have scans appointments, treatment. Sometimes they say 'get well soon' I stay quiet then, like you've got the flu, they don't know what to say. I guess I didn't used to know what to say myself, thanks for the welcome love Diane xxx
Ovaries were bad enough the stoma is worse! Telling people I am having the bathroom altered evokes questions about how I will cope without a bath leaves me in a quandary because they really do not want to hear what can happen, usually in the middle of the night, which makes being able to leap neatly into the shower to remove my soiled clothing absolutely essential.
One has to laugh! Social services offered me a "bath board" so I wouldn't fall (a fear due to the neuropathy in my feet) I felt like saying that sitting on a bathboard and bending my legs up to swing over the bath in order to stand under the shower could result in spraying the walls an interesting new shade of brown. They seemed totally unconcerned at this inhibition to my personal hygiene!
To be fair it only happens occasionally but it is a nuisance as I wake up to find the bag full and oozing! Thank goodness I do not share a bed and roll on being ready to learn to irrigate and thus prevent these unexpected occurrences. Lack of sensation and lack of control are such a nuisance! On the plus side I can see that I am really clean! LOL.
Love
Margaret!
in reply to MargaretJ
Margaret I so agree, I find it is easier to talk about it and get it ( at least for a while ) out of my system/brain.
Yesterday I went to see my Onc I told him I was going away and he said......."a lot of his patients go to the Canaries,the down side of that is you might see each other and talk about cancer" ( WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT ?)... I replied.."that's good"...but he didn't get it!!
When I was on chemo I am sure they arrange it so ovca patients are not near each other so they don't talk about it..... I didn't get to meet people with ovca ...
When I saw him yesterday...he asked me why he was seeing me...He,d forgotten I had a recurrence... The specialist nurse said it is because I look and seem so well.....this time he at least saw me for ten minutes and three seconds instead of is usual three minutes...
( my husband times him ) lol x G x
MargaretJ in reply to
My onc has always given me all the time I need but the downside is he does this for everyone so a 2PM appt can mean actually seeing him at 4PM? What worries me at present is the fact that my GP, who always treated me as a rational, intelligent, adult has retired and I do not know who I am being passed to. Added to this the practice is merging and I fear my treatment decisions will be dependent on the practice finsnces and other people's view of cost effectiveness. I fear most decisions based on prejudiced views of the value of life at my age!
Love
Margaret
in reply to MargaretJ
Margaret
I have a good GP that treats me with inteligence,and she really gets annoyed at my Onc as he is so insensitive I only have to say the word and she would write to him it is good to have someone onside....If it wasn't for her I wouldn't be in remission now, as I had symptoms for over a year before I had a scan my GP sent me for a blood test ( ca-125 ) my oncologist don't do them anymore....just goes on symptoms but it seems to me he ignores the symptoms as well....
That's enough of me complaining better get packed for the morning.
Bye love xx G xx
Oh yes to all of it, I've been told "there are worse things to have than cancer you know", "you're a fighter", "but you look so well" and so on and so on. When really I'm a gibbering coward who is terrified of the future and all the horrible treatment. But what other choice do we have. It's just nice to know that all of you truely understand how it is.
George xx
Can certainly identify with that George, but I won't show it, part of me is afraid of frightening people away, I am ashamed to say, Diane xxx
I find the worst is the pitying looks when I go out into a social place with a headscarf on from people I dont even know! I try to smile brightly at them, and show that its ok, but you just know whats going on in their heads.
I went on holiday abroad after my last lot of chemo, and everywhere I went women came up to me to ask about what sort of cancer i had- and what it was like. I ended up trying to avoid people that looked as tho they were from the uk!
sue
Try gurning at them! May help change their minds about the way having cancer makes us all sweetness and light, somehow "purified" by our "suffering". Those victorian novellists who described the nobility of suffering have a lot to answer for. Nothing noble about it at all! I for one would much prefer the ignobility of not having it!
got to try that next time!
"You're so brave" and the accusatory "You look really well" rank alongside "it doesn't matter that you've last all your hair because you've got such a pretty face"!!!
Liz X
When bald I wore elaborate turban tied scarves and crocheted Juliette caps because I found the wig uncomfortable and once had a young man in a pub remark "oh my God look at her" so I whipped off the turban and retorted "I have cancer, you got a problem with that?" He slunk off embarassed and I felt guilty but, as I've said before I am a bolshie cow and I tend to confront prejudice.
Margaret
ha ha ha! tee hee!!
just scrolled down and read this.... I so wish I was there .... you are funny ....got any more stories like that I think they're great ...cheers x G x
We all need a good laugh! I told my gradndsons that, if I went bald again, I was going to get a face painted on the back of my head so I could "do" the Voldemort thing from Harry Potter. They said I was weird! When I threatened to dye the new hair bright red they were horrified and said they didn't want me looking like a "chavvy teenager"! My response? "I should be so lucky!" At 71 it's a long time since anyone mistook me for a teenager and as for "chavvy" flabby would be nearer the mark!
M
I often do my turtle expression... LOL....the first time I lost my hair I hated wearing a wig so got very innovative with scarves and hats.... now I've lost my hair for the second time I do wear a wig and really like it....I matched my own colour hair and people can't tell..... but it is better than my own hair and people give compliments and are really embarrassed when I tell them it's not real.....
would you believe I am dreading my own hair growing back now? I know it won't be as nice... how daft is that? x G x
BusyLizzie in reply to
Hi Gwyn,
I too love my wig. My own hair is completely grey now - and a bit of a mullet going on with cooling cap aided longer hair plus regrowth - but my wig is so glam. I feel a million dollars when I wear it.
Love Lizzie
X
Forgot to say, that's it in my photo!
in reply to BusyLizzie
Lizzie
Yes..I noticed how lovely and natural yours is, in fact when I first saw it I remarked to my husband that it is very much like mine (only a different colour) it doesn't look at all wiggy! I think it is because it isn't too thick on the fringe, I don't know about you but the hairdresser trimmed mine.. I am now (on the rare occasion I go out) ready in no time.... I can even put it on without looking in the mirror...
I asked about a cold cap the first time on chemo, but the hospital said they don't recommend it as it causes too much stress and they weren't sure whether the cold cap stops the chemo carb/taxol working as well...I know they keep changing their stance on things...who knows?
love x G x
BusyLizzie in reply to
Hi Gwyn,
Yes, the wig fitter (Will's Wigs) trimmed my fringe too and layered it, also they did a few tweaks to make it fit me perfectly. When I tried on all the wigs, they told me don't worry about the colour, we can get any colour - you're just looking at the style. Easier said than done. I just fell in love with mine 'as is' (other than not being able to see out under the fringe!). The cold cap issue is an interesting one. I was told the only reason was cos the length of time, it could cause you an issue. Nobody said it would hinder the chemo.
Love Lizzie
X
in reply to BusyLizzie
Hi Lizzie
Thought this needed a reply, I am sorry if I made you feel that is why your chemo hasn't worked I know you said that your oc is chemo resistant (I know that I am not) but I think the reason I was given.. is that it could slow down the blood flow and they weren't sure whether that would hinder treatment, the registrar I had at the time was very much into research (he was originally from Spain) he said it wouldn't be of benefit but didn't know for certain just his opinion....naturally I went with his advice...others might have a different view... x G x
Wow! Truly glam!
daisycandoit in reply to
Wearing a wig is uncomfortably warm in the summer tho, mine was always off as soon as i got indoors !!! Diane x
I went to a neighbours house when her sister-in-law was visiting. Her sister-in-law also has Ovarian cancer and was undergoing carbo/taxol chemo and had her wig hanging on the corner of the bannister! It was the first thing I saw LOL!
in reply to daisycandoit
Diane ... Yes they can be hot, I've been fortunate ( or not!! Lol )
I went through chemo in the winter ( twice ) but I did go last feb to Fuerteventura ( Canaries ) and kept my wig on most of the time then. It was colder there than it usually is so perhaps that's why I could keep it on!!!..... or it could be pride?........I am going again tomorrow for 11nts dont know what I'll do if it is hot......I will have to find a quiet corner and do my turtle impression haha
Best Wishes xx G xx
Not daft at all! My hair grew back grey! Not surprising at my age! Next time, if I go bald I want a new spiky wig like the one a fellow attender at the Target Ovarian Cancer day was wearing! Several of us were taken aback when she said it was a wig! My wig is a bob and the colour of my pre chemo lowlighted hair so would be very obvious if my current short crop grew 6 inches overnight!
M
My hair grey back completely grey too! But I love the new colour, and am experimenting with purple and pink streaks ^_^
Hi you've replied to a post from a long time ago.
Sadly despite being asked on many occasions HealthUnlocked won't agree to add a feature that archives posts or alerts the person commenting to the age. I wish they would. This was written by a very wonderful woman and feisty friend who is sadly no longer with us....
I do know that the date of posts isn't especially clear but would encourage all to look out for it. Best wishes, SX
I had the same reaction at target ovarian cancer day in Manchester last Nov,
every one thought it was real ..my own hair was a bob that was very white so I matched the colour to my own before I lost it ( col 60 ) and even though most people had a wig on they thought mine was my own hair which gave me a huge confidence boost. x G x
Well done you!
Hi Margaret,
I used to get really fed up of the pity routine and people who would talk to my husband instead of me and started to behave badly- to the 'you're so brave' comment I would agree with them and then say in a downcast voice with a wobble in ' but I'm living on the edge you know, I don't know if I can cope much longer- it saw people off very fast.
My friend's particularly annoying husband who persisted saying loudly in the supermarket that I was doing and looking 'so well' despite 'everything' in a doom ridden voice (even two stone heavier and looking like death) scuttled off after I agreed and started asking him if I was more fanciable in my new wig or bald. When I started to tweak the wig he shot off up the freezer aisle! My husband despaired of me!! Wishing you less pity and more fun!
Polly x
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