Balancing independence and boundaries

[MaddieHU]

How do you balance between giving your child/ children their independence and setting expectations?​

[JogOffc25k]

My kids are very independent and we have encouraged them to be this way but there is a big difference between being independent and just going off on your own unsupervised. My kids have to earn their independence and if anything we are stricter with rules beforehand and make them demonstrate that they understand how to behave in the situations we let them be on their own - such as walking to school.

[Mum35]

We started as soon as they showed an inclination to be independent with their actions, choices and thought processes. By enabling or encouraging independence (age appropriate) and being consistent in expectations and consequence, we hope that as they grow up they will become confident, and trust their own views and learn how to manage a desired situation as well as their own potential disappointment. Encouraging discussion through questioning behaviour and critical thinking through reflection, they will also learn from any mistakes. From a young age; trust , gratitude, appreciation and praise, as well as an understanding for the necessity of consequence (largely due to safety issues) will ensure our children will become independent and confident adults.

[Krustyc2]

My children are very different. My daughter is very independent and as lovely as this is to see sometimes it’s hard to balance with putting safety boundaries in place. I find it more difficult to encourage independence in my son who is dependent on us and his sister for security

[RustyM]

I think independence grows with confidence. We started with small things like picking what fruit/ shoes/ books he wanted to have. Teaching indepence in the no no stage is quite difficult but this is where cause and effect came into play. "Can you take put your dirty socks in the washing machine?" 'NO!' " Well you can't play outside without shoes and clean socks on!" My son learns that dirty clothes go in the washing machine, not his toys, his dirty socks don't live on the floor (unlike daddy's!!) and he tells daddy off for leaving his on the floor.

[Pip70]

My daughter has always been fiercely independent which we tried very hard to facilitate at the same time as insuring her safety by watching from a distance/mobile communications and instilling the fact that if she was out without supervision and did not check in at stated intervals her independent trips out would be suspended.

Her dad only once had to go out looking for her as far as I can remember!?! It is nice now she is older to be able to trust her independence and that we have set her up to be a grounded young woman😀...

[Milkymoo]

I find this hard with my eldest as he is autistic. And has no sense of danger. He is 9 and wants to start going out with his friends.

[Cringlecat in reply to Milkymoo]

We have similar issues here, no sense of road safety, no sense of strangers, and very underdeveloped social communication skills so very likely to descend into hitting or insults if playing unsupervised.

Sadly it means he can't go off to the park with school friends etc.

[Hbazzle]

My daughter is incredibly shy at nursery or at any kind of toddler groups. Unfortunately I fear she has inherited this from me! I try to encourage her as best I can in all situations and I try to put a positive spin on everything she tries.

I have tried to teach her helpful rules to keep her safe when out and about without being over strict. At the end of the day we all have to do the best we can and hope they will grow into happy confident children.

[SVBO]

Both my children are quite independent but in a different way. As a parent I always wanted to interfere, guide and control but as I m getting older, I m trying to lessen the grip, control my own urges and give them the space. With my older son I may have been slightly more controlling - for instance when he was 6, we went to a pottery class together and I remember telling him what and how things should be done as we we working on the same object, 10 years later I went to the same class with my 8 y.o. daughter and decided to leave it to her to work out the techniques, only showing her pictures for inspiration, I purposely removed myself from the class in order not to interfere. When my son left home for uni, I missed him so much I wanted to call him all the time, but again, I restrict myself, contact him once a week or so, I don’t expect him to answer my texts immediately - giving him space. I understand - he is busy living his life, and it is great that I still have my daughter at home...

[Tudorkat]

My son is very anxious and needs to check in a lot for reassurance. He has also had a lot of physical difficulties so I have needed to be right by him for much of his life. Now he is more physically able, I can leave him to it a lot more. He tends to set his own boundaries based on what is in his comfort zone, which means I can pretty much let him be Mr independent, within given safety limits which are always discussed first.

My daughter is a strong willed little fireball who needs firm and consistent boundaries for her own safety. These are talked about a lot with both children - they know the deal, so it's more a case of "this is how we do things" than anything else. She just wants to fly at life head on and is HUGELY independent. Boundaries are based around cause and effect...We warn of possible consequences and let her decide - but she takes the consequence and we draw the links e.g." you chose to jump in the puddle and now your trousers are wet. Next time maybe you'll choose to walk round instead if you don't have your wellies on". Out and out no just makes her shout and defy us on principle, so these are saved for major issues only. We don't want to squash her indepence.