I’ve been debating whether to write this or not, but I don’t really have anyone I can talk to that understands what we have all been through.
I have been feeling incredibly down these past couple of weeks and instead of it getting better it’s getting worse. I have been putting it down to Christmas approaching and no longer having my mum, dad, and brother around. I just want to cry all the time. I worry about my condition, I’ve had a tummy stretch, as you know, and nothing untoward was seen, so all in all I should be happy, but it just seems to be doom and gloom all the time. I keep being told I should be grateful to still be here, which I am but it doesn’t stop the worry or dread of the big C returning. People just keep saying, live for today, don’t worry about tomorrow, etc etc , but it’s so difficult. I am on antidepressants, which I’ve been on and off for many years, I suffer with bi- polar, so I know some of it is my bi- polar playing up, my brother died last year due to cancer, he was only 62, I am approaching my 60 th next year and can’t get this idea out of my head that it will be my turn to go, then I argue with myself that I’m here to prove that wrong. It’s so confusing. I’m angry with myself as I should be happy with my lot, most of the time I am, I don’t mind if no one answers this post I just needed to get it off my chest, I apologise if I’m dampening the Christmas spirit. Thank you for reading / listening.
J
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Popsic
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I think the fears you have are quite natural having sadly lost your brother to cancer but you have to understand that he is a totally separate case. You, as most of us on here, have been given a second chance and need to embrace that. I’m sure your brother would want you to live your best life. Have a good Christmas and a happy new year. James.
Thank you for your reply James.Most of the time I do embrace my second chance and I'm so grateful for the chance, this year has just taken me by surprise I think.
I have become cancer phobic and must drive my family mad at times. Next year I'm going to do better.
I think those of us who have experienced cancer have felt exactly like you. The worry that it returns is always there with me. Losing your brother to cancer must be so difficult and it is easy to say to be thankful that you have been given a second chance but it is true. Try to look for the positives, we all understand how you are feeling. It sounds like you need to talk to someone, maybe someone at Macmillans could help. Hope you can have a good Christmas and look forward to a better New Year. X
Please dont be so hard on yourself, give yourself a break. You have had a horrible time and now being cancer phobic is no fun i know only too well. Try to calm with deep breathing and start and end each day with gratitude in the form of a list in your head of all you have which is good and rewarding in your life. Every little helps. Have you considered getting professional help for the cancer phobia, please consider it as it can help calm things down.
Things can and will improve, take heart, nothing goes on forever and this can and will break just secure the support you need along the way. Best wishes all can and will be well hold on to that.
Hi I know how you feel. I have been through crying times and wanting to give up. I have spoken to a Macmillian member of staff and she is great I now have a chat with her once a month . I can say how I feel and as she is not family I don't upset anybody.
Thank you, I will try it, I don't like to bother people really, I always think there's more deserving people out there that need their time.MERRY Christmas 🤗
Please don’t be too hard on yourself’ I’m feeling for you and others who have had this dreadful cancer’ It’s easy for others to say you are lucky but don’t understand how you are coping’ hopefully time will help and have a nice Christmas
Hi JYou are not alone and I think all of us at some point think about the C.
Like you, I struggle with how I feel and how I want to feel, I even get angry with myself for being down but it’s hard to stay positive all the time… no one can.
In the last few months I’ve really pushed myself to go out and walk more which seems to be helping and I’m also trying to focus on being content today not worrying about tomorrow…
I know what you mean about feelings KfromUK, I really don’t know how to feel, I thought 8 yrs one would be through this, but I’m beginning to think that this is going to be with me for life , I need to learn how to deal with it I guess. This Covid business isn’t helping, one minute their telling me I’m not high risk then I’m getting pinged to say I am, ! I need to be like you and push myself to get out, the trouble is I suffer with dumping still and my digestive system is dreadful, I’m always worried I case I get caught short! . Yes it is a journey we’re on, I’m hoping I can help others to deal with this too.
Sending hugs your way.Can I just say I personally get tired of people telling me how lucky we are to still be here. I know how lucky we are but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with how miserable of an experience the fight to live has been or how the long term side affects impact our lives. The fear of cancer returning and the feeling that we are on borrowed time seems pretty reasonable to me. I do however think that we are amongst the enlightened bexiase having cancer makes us realise how precious life is and none of us , not one knows what each day will bring.
I have moments of anquish but I try hard to live in the moment.
I find meditating very helpful and lately I have taken up knitting after a 25 year hiatus. I find the knitting very therapeutic and highly recommend it to anyone. Helps my brain and my overall well being.
I am busy, active, blessed and happy but like I said, there are moments that are very tough.
I hope you have a Merry Christmas, keep going, keep going, keep going!
Don't be too hard on yourself and do ask for help. I had a mental health community nurse for a good while after I completely fell apart after surgery. I think I fell apart with the effort of trying not to and trying to be strong for everyone. It's much easier to unload to a neutral person . Also, as you know, this forum is good because we all understand what it's like. Hope you can have a good Christmas and New year x God bless
I think your right grandylynda, I always feel like I have to be chirpy and happy , I’m going to get hold of my oncologist nurse after Christmas and see if she can help me in any way. I’ve controlled my bi- polar for over 30 yrs now but I think it could be getting the better of me, so frustrating. Thank you for your reply,Merry Christmas 🎄 to you x
It's good that you poured out your heart on here, that's why we are all here, sharing space in that same boat as it were. It is so so difficult to explain what we go through to family and friends too, they try really hard to understand and they empathize but it's not easy and quite frustrating for them as well. Some days I wake up and just lay there wondering what anxiety I'm going to encounter today as every day seems to have at least a half a dozen of them, new pains, strange sensations and such, sometimes it will seem to consume me and I really wonder if I'll ever get back to some sense of normality, but then a coping mechanism kicks in, for some time now I've been getting outright defiant and I'll suddenly think "this is not why I went through everything I went through" then I get up, get in the shower, get dressed, put the coats on the dogs and get my butt out the door, quite annoyed at myself for even letting myself slip down that slope once more. Throughout the day then I become more and more productive and just keep pushing myself to not fall back into the rut. People think we are afraid of dying but to be honest I think we are possibly more afraid of living and that's the issue we need to conquer. My advice is find something that distracts you and immerse yourself into it fully, look for new hobbies even but my best advice it 'get defiant' and don't let it grind you down. Keep your chin up Martin xx
I'm constantly being told I don't take my op seriously enough, that I don't realise how big it was etc etc. But I don't want to keep dwelling on that, I'm really overwhelmed this year for some reason, the advice from you all is amazing, it helps to know your not alone in your thoughts and feelings, so thank you for that, also thank you for giving me a virtual shake, as it were!MERRY Christmas to you and yours and a VERY healthy new year!
Your not alone Popsic, I too feel like my light has been switched off. It’s not easy especially at this time of year, and I do think Covid has had a big part to play and the short days. Also like you I don’t like bothering the nurses which I how I ended up here in the 1st place. It has been good to read everyone’s messages and I’m making a promise to myself to try and get out more, seek help and advice from the professionals about my worries. Thank you for putting it out there Popsic, Merry Christmas and here’s to a brighter and healthy new year for us all ✨
I'm glad my comment has helped you in some way, it's good we can all encourage one another along the way. It's a lot to absorb for us, even now, after 8 yrs I think of things I should have asked / said. Life is a funny thing and we all live it so differently. I've made a promised to myself that I'm going to live until at least 80 and annoy the hell out of my husband! 🤣🤣Have a merry Christmas and a VERY healthy new year x
So sorry you are feeling so low. I think Christmas for many people can be an emotional time, even when people are fit and well. I think the New Year may be a time to seek help and have an opportunity talk it all through.
Depression can be an incidious condition. You have the added stress of bi/polar , plus the surgery you’ve had. Worries of cancer returning are quite natural.
I look after my husband who had the Ivor Lewis procedure. There were complications during surgery and long story short , he was in ICU for a total of 5 months, 6 months in hospital.
He survived against the odds , but now has complex ptsd.
He has days when he just stares into space & there seems no joy in his life. People often say, well isn’t he lucky to be alive . …. Yes, he is of course , and he knows that deep down, but it doesn’t help being told this. It’s hard some days for me to see him like this as I feel lonely & helpless.He has now no empathy , not his fault.
He will be 3 years post op in July, he had ups & downs with eating and food, but has good & bad days.
He dreaded the winter as it’s dark & miserable, this has a huge effect on his low moods. In the summer he’s more active & is a different person.
Look ahead to the Spring and better days ahead.
If you can get out walking that is so good for the mind. It’s my salvation!
As my husbands carer, I know only too well how I yearn to be out with the dogs & breathe the fresh air, whatever the weather. Aim to get out for even a short walk each day.
Wishing you better days ahead. We are living in such difficult ,uncertain times, even without our personal battles. Good luck & keep us posted. X
Bless you for taking the time to reply.I fully understand your hubby, I have days the same, when your told " your lucky to be alive" they just don't get it. Days are hard, but I have more good days to be fair. I have no idea what's brought all this on, I'm usually upbeat, as it were. I hope you have a support network around you, everyone thinks of the directly affected but not always the " forgotten ones, the hero's of our lives.
I pray the new year brings your hubby and of course you, much more happiness and many blessings.
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First endoscope... feeling nervous for results!!
Making the mucus n stuff move faster down the esophogus/gullet 
Feeling down...but on the up...
No PPI’s
