Anxiety or depression

I had an oesphagetomy seven months ago I was very down afterwards and had some counseling. I do think it helped a little however lately I have started to feel down again it comes over me in waves I get some very dark thoughts I try to keep myself busy but find these thoughts creeping up on me does anyone else feel like this and will it pass.

[mauledtodeath]

Hi Molly just popped on here and saw your post. I am sorry you are feeling like this. I think it is common after oesophagectomy esp as it is such a big undertaking and then professionals step away and you are left to cope in your own except for one annual follow up. Is there a patient group near you? It may be you need to hook up with people who have been through the same thing as family just dont get it sometimes. You could try counselling again. I would try to speak to your McMillan nurse and see if there is something you can tap into.

I'm not sure of your circumstances and how much your life has been affected. It is a tough operation and living with uncertainty is hard. I find that to be the case. I get down when I experience a change in how my swallowing is or have a spike in heartburn and then I worry about a recurrence.

Doing a gratitude diary is supposed to help. Ive often thought of doing one. You think of 3 things you are grateful for each day and write them down for a month and then look back at your entries.

After 7 months nutritional deficiencies may start creeping in so maybe worth getting some bloods done ie b12, vit D, folate and iron. I think those are the ones we can get low on.

Is there something in particular that is bothering you? If so maybe try to address thay if you can or leave it if it is something you can not control.

I wish I could wave a wand and sort it for you. Please drop me a message if you wish.

[Hidden in reply to mauledtodeath]

Thanks for your reply I started a diary when all this began some 18 months ago and when I look back I see how far I,ve come especially in the early days after the op when I could hardly do anything for myself so I don’t understand why now when I can do a lot more and get out and about why I keep feeling so sad .

[Wynnerz]

Hi there I am 2 years post Ivor Lewis op and I know exactly what you are going g through! I had severe depression for months after surgery! I had days where I thought I could go now and everyone would be fine without me! What we have been through is so traumatic no one knows unless you e been there! I have a hugely supportive family but some says that didn’t seem like enough! The weeks of having a feeding tube in were hideous to say the least! You need to just take baby steps, I still have down times but plan things ahead to keep me motivated! Stay strong just keep putting one foot in front of the other, it will get better! It’s just all so surreal!

[Hidden in reply to Wynnerz]

Hi when you had severe depression did you get any help for it or take medication .

[Wynnerz in reply to Hidden]

Hi there, I have always been on Paroxetine for anxiety. I am still on that and didn't increase my dosage. There is no way that I think I would be able to stop, as I am still sort of borderline occasionally. I just try to keep my brain busy and not think too much about things that have happened. They do say that the brain and the stomach have a very strong connection, so if you anything change it does effect your mindset! i hope that helps! Try to stay positive, I know its not easy, been there!

[Tanktank]

Molly there are great replies here already from very astute and thoughtful survivors. We have been through life changing surgery and chemo and for my part felt institutionalised during the tests, chemo, tests, surgery, tests, chemo, tests etc etc then it stops. No PICC line to flush or CT scan to wait for and suddenly your thoughts are your own. I suspect the whole time it was worse for my wife and family and friends all of whom were marvellous ( two of my four brothers were also fighting cancer at the same time and my sister in law lost her cancer fight). Each time my thoughts get black I realise that I am a lucky survivor. I understand your pain and your thoughts and agree. I try and keep busy and fit. My black lab Jasper gets walked miles a day which has helped me sleep and eat. I think talking with someone is great advice and reaching out on this blog is a very good first step. You’ll get loads of sensible support from other survivors and hopefully sharing your concerns openly will help you. Bottom line is you have fought and survived. Well done Molly.

Best wishes

Tanktank

[Hidden]

Thanks so much for your reply like you say I know I am lucky to have survived everything but just can't understand why now when I should be feeling better about things I feel so sad I agree it's possibly because now hospital appointments etc are less I have more time on my hands to think .

[Tanktank in reply to Hidden]

Liz below is spot on and I wonder if you might help yourself and others by volunteering. You have a huge life experience, are clearly articulate and considerate. There was a fantastic survivor In my chemo suite who had been volunteering for 27 years. Her experience and survival lifted everyone she met. She just chatted with you and it was impossible to stay glum. Give it a go. Tanktank.

[liz_crisp]

Hi Molly I’m 10 years down the line and yes it is common. I got depression but it’s also a form of grief and shock and survivor guilt. While you are going through treatment you just get on with it and cope with it then suddenly you are still here and alive but in no way is life the same as it used to be. People are telling you how wonderful it is and how lucky you are to have made it and yet it doesn’t seem that way to you. You feel bad that you are not over the moon about being alive, friends you met were not so lucky but somehow you do t feel lucky either. I spent lots on counselling and did lots of volunteering with Macmillan etc just to try and feel normal. I do do some public speaking about this for Macmillan and at support groups some. PM me if you want.

Big hugs Lizzy

[silversands in reply to liz_crisp]

I had Ivor Lewis just over three years ago, had many problems followed by a further 6 ops, I then suffered PTS, I joined a support group and went to meeting, the surgeon walked in and said nice to see so many of you just a pity only 40 per cent of you will be here in 5 years, I was completely shocked and asked why it was one of the only cancers that did not do follow up scans, he said there was no point, I immediately went home and asked Bupa if they would pay for a scan, they agreed and I had the scan, it showed that it had returned but to close to my heart to do a biopsy, a well known London thoracic surgeon who had saved my life previously sent for my scan results, showed it to colleagues and arranged for me to come to London and have some more tests, he organised for me to have a different course of chemo, which saved my life, I now have scans every three months and so far all clear, just never give up. I did have my whole stomach removed and have lost all my sense of smell and taste, can only eat little and often, the bonus being I am slim after many years of slimming world and weight watchers and still here to tell my story.

[zerodrudge in reply to silversands]

Had the same operation in 2010 and I am still around.As my surgeon said every case is different,hope that helps

[silversands in reply to zerodrudge]

Thank you, do you have a problem eating, I can walk round supermarket and don’t fancy anything, can’t go out to dinner for same reason, makes life difficult, but know how lucky I am to be alive, the best thing to come out of this is that I want to help other people and make lots of things for charity.

[zerodrudge in reply to silversands]

Yes I do,I eat a lot of small meals.I do get a lot of bloating and over the last few years am putting on lots of weight.Merry Christmas.

[zerodrudge]

I do just take life one day at a time.

[Janashlin]

Cannabis oil really helps

[Hidden]

Hi janashlin I started taking cannabis oil a couple of weeks ago. I find it difficult to know which one to try as there’s so many different ones ( the man in the shop wasn’t much help) I chose the one where you put one drop under your tongue morning and evening. Which one do you take? It’s very expensive so can’t afford to keep trying different ones .

[Janashlin in reply to Hidden]

I have taken a few different kinds.

Currently I am using Cove brand and it is cbd with .8 of thc.

Any cbd oil with a hint of thc will help.

I take 1ml morning and night which is pretty much a full dropper.

One drop will not help you, that’s not enough.

[Hidden in reply to Janashlin]

Ok thanks i.ll up my dose ,

[evikeb]

Hi Molly and all , it's so so tough for everyone and believe me you are not alone . I am a the wife of someone who had oesophageal cancer 2yrs ago ( chemo radiation followed by Ivor Lewis ) a remarkable recovery and really no complications or major difficulties . Then recently after a bout of severe anaemia and a colposcopy , colon cancer diagnosed and within two weeks the tumour was removed and he is currently recovering in hospital from that op . Surgeon and oncology team very upbeat and so thats what i am being and encouraging my husband to be . But to be truthful he has been extremely depressed for at least a year and obviously this latest diagnosis has exasperated this . We live in France and whilst from a healthcare view this has been nothing short of amazing , I feel that the idea of counselling is a major hurdle for my husband who isn't fantastic at expressing himself in English ( his mother tongue ) let alone French ! I wonder if anyone knows of an online or long distance counselling service that they could recommend for this post cancer depression and anxiety that at this point he really does need for himself and his families well being .

[Hidden in reply to evikeb]

Hi sorry to hear about your husband I hope he soon gets out of hospital. I don’t know of any online counseling but maybe someone else on here can help. The depression is horrible to deal with I think because we feel weak from surgery it’s hard to be upbeat and everything is an effort hopefully when your husband feels a bit stronger the depression will start to lift . I find I get bad and not so bad days the bad days are when I,m tired etc . Let us know how your husband is . Thinking of you both . all the best.

[Mauser1905]

Going spiritual helped and helping us immensely. For the whole family.

Accepted New Normal. Sometimes I can be over ambitious over things I want to do but my wife makes sure of making me realise in time or let the first learn by experience method work. Either ways spiritual practice has kept all of us out of any medication or further counselling.

I still keep follow up counselling session as open invite, because at age of 41 day to day life is still a hard battle every single day with focus on moving on chin up consumes a great amount of energy.

Life goes on for us and for everybody else around too. Choice is mine to be content with the things happened to date, grateful for the existence. And I continue to pray for a pleasant death, when it comes.

Have a good day