It's just gone 1am and as I can't sleep I am on the internet scaring myself stupid.
Ok I can do 'RA denial' with the best of them, because I still haven't been officially diagnosed I can tell myself "it's fine , it'll turn out to be nothing and then won't you look the silly fool JoJo" but increasingly the signs are there and I'm running out of rational excuses for them.
Although I tell people I have undiagnosed RA, my GP has signed me off from work for the last 9 months with it, my father had it and at least 3 of his siblings have it, I still have this little voice in my head saying "Yeah but YOU haven't got it JoJo, not really, this is all just coincidence"
But tonight, the more I look at it the more I can see it, the little finger on my right hand is clearly not talking to the other fingers any more and has started to head off on it's own adventure. I can force it to lie next to the other finger but as soon as I stop concentrating, it drifts off again, doing a Greta Garbo "I vant to be alone !' Also my other hand, the left one, has started doing a peculiar sideways spasm where the whole hand sort of bends at right angles all of a sudden (to a position I can't ordinarily get it in to) and I have to physically bend it back in place with the other hand.
To top my sleepless night off, my boss rang me today to 'invite' me into work next week for a chat/meeting about where I am with treatment and where I am likely to be in the future!!!! (Pass me my crystal ball...)
Sorry if this blog is a bit random and nonsensical but that's pretty much how I'm feeling right now. Completely random and very, very nonsensical !