Sorry, thank you & good bye for now

OK guys, I 'm at the stage of serious breakdown, I can't take it anymore!

At home it's hell, at work it's absolutely hell, my life is hell.

I am sorry for disappointing all of you that have hold my hand for the past weeks...but I just can't do it any more. I don't like my life, but I don't have the strength to change it...I lose! I won't be posting for a while until I manage to pick up the bits left and get on with my life again. I realize this is not just about smoking, it's my life, there's no space for me in this stupid life I am living.

For all of you that are in the good path, keep it going...I am very proud of all of you! Many thanks for all of your support for the last few weeks.

I wasn't able to handle the stress yesterday and had 2 cigarretes and this morning after a shouting session I had another one. Although I would not reset my count for 1 puff, this is 3 already and I can't tell that I will be able to stop myself now.

I fail nick wins.

19 Replies

  • Mmaya dont stop posting!! That is the very worst thing you can do. Smoke and post still. Don't smoke and post still. We are here regardless. I dont know why you dont like your life but I have been there, smoking seems to help and to quit you have to be in a good strong place. Let us help you get there, private message me, post, whatever. Please stay you are an important person on here and have helped sound so defeated it hurts me to read it. Big hugs love xxx

  • You have not disappointed anybody either...x

  • Oh mmaya, sorry to hear your struggling, don't lose hope though, if you feel it's best take some time not to stress about smoking, but please don't' stop posting, there is always next time x

  • Hey mmaya, I haven't been on for a long time so I don't think we've met. I don't know your story but i hate to see you sounding so defeated. Would it help to talk this through a bit and about your circumstances? I'm here if you want to talk. You really can do this. X

  • Nic wins for now dust yourself down get yourself in the right frame of mind and try again, you really can do it you know, well I think you can.;)

  • mmaya, really sorry to see your post, and easily more than a few smokes was how dispirited and down you are, and it's this addiction that does that. I've been where you are, several times, and I always go into myself as far as smoking is concerned, and just feel s#*t about myself. So the folks above may be right, don't stop posting, and get angry or however you feel on here.

  • So so sorry to hear of your struggle. I suppose at the moment you don't want to hear that smoking won't make your life better but it's true. Your situation whatever it is will still be there whether you smoke or not. Don't give up we are all here to support you so don't leave the forum.

  • I hope you will come back mmaya, and please don't feel like your a disappointment or that you have disappointed any of us, you are extremely strong and you will win. I hope you do come back and talk to us and that we can help you beat that horrible Nick

  • oh sweetheart...please stay with us and let us help you through this!! whatever is going on you need to be able to talk it through and get stuff off your chest so use us!!! please dont feel like you have let anyone down, we wont ever judge you! private msg, post, anything, whatever you want just please know you have (faceless dont forget, so you can say anything you want/feel but cant say to your nearest and dearest!) friends here!! hate that you feel you have no room for YOU, everyone needs opportunity to be themselves and i know we dont always get it, partners, family and work can all get in the way but we're a little support group, we wont interfere but we're here if you need us!! big hugs chick xxxx

  • bless you, life can throw all sorts of horribles at you when you just need a break.

    a couple of fags, i can read your dismay. it's not the end of the world, the world is still spinning.

    if work really is absolute hell, change it. you don't have to be in that environment, it isn't healthy.

    home life, i can't advise, i'm hoping it's ok and just the disappointment of the fags.

    the majority of us have a failed quit or 3 behind us, the important thing to remember is that you can do it. my goodness, you'd done the worst bit! when you are ready, we will be rooting for you, all the best and don't beat yourself up! x

  • I'm more sad to read that you are having a tough time than that you had a few smokes. Hope things ease up a little for you x

  • mmaya I wish you'd stick around and let us hold your hand through whatever else it is that you're going through. Hoping things look up for you lovely x

  • Hi mmaya

    Your sense of humour will be missed. We've all lapsed at some point, well most of us. you know what's best for you but I look forward to you coming back for support and / or to support us x

  • Hey MM only just read your post, I hate to think you are so down, ok so you had a couple of fags, we've all done that in previous quits, it's what makes us human, please come back even if it's just to read up on posts for now, don't leave altogether if you stick around it may help you to try again sooner, take care lovely ((((( hugs ))))) xxxx

  • Hi guys, I asked the moderator to delete this post but they asked me instead to come back and maybe explain myself properly as it may offer support to other people that may be going through similar situation but too shy to shout it out loud.

    I am still not smoking ... but I nearly went back to full wack.

    I smoked 7 cigarettes in total and was very upset to see how much this addiction is difficult to beat.

    I am not upset because I relapsed, I relapsed because I was upset.

    I clearly have a problem dealing with anxiety and stress, I just cannot handle it. I spent the last 4 days "shivering", at some stage I actually believed there might be something seriously wrong with me...I don't drink and I was so shaky that my GP asked me about alcohol...the funny bit is that I don't drink at all.

    The pressure that I have put myself under for the sake of stop smoking is not worth it.

    Anyways, I decided to take some time off work...but instead, went in today and grabbed the bull by the horns, took the monster into a room and faced it. It wasn't pretty...but I believe either my prblems are sorted or I may be unemployed by tomorrow...either way, I need a job to pay the bills, not a job that destroys me every day over & over.

    When I said I won't be posting, the only reason for that is that I do not want to drag anyone down with me and I am very negative & pessimist at the moment.

    All the msgs you guys left for me yesterday helped me so much to go through the day...I am very fortunate to have found this forum and to have you. I cannot thank you enough for helping me through yesterday. I think yesterday was one of the most difficult days in my life.

    I am here and checking the forum everyday, the only reason why I am not posting or answering is because I need to calm down and pick up the bits left.

    In regards to my quit, I smoked 7 cigaretted and I will beat myself up another day, but as of now, my pack if fags is gone to the bin yesterday and I am still not smoking.

  • So glad to know you're still reading mmaya, and shall keep posting random positive thoughts to you, and best wishes, and well done for grabbing that bull xxx

  • I think its braver to be honest about your struggle, its more helpful and relevant. To have 7 cigs is a small slip , a are back on it and more aware of your points where you will struggle. We have seen cigs as our stress relievers for so long its hard to shake that theory off. Glad you are posting again, be kind to yourself you are doing great even if you dont feel you are. Anxiety is horrendous to overcome at the very best of times xx

  • Mmaya, your post above is honest and admirable, and it's good to see you post. And I have to say that I still see you as doing a fantastic job in relation to quitting/smoking much, much less. You have so far resisted going the whole way to smoking the same or, as often happens including with me, smoking more than before the quit.

    It's funny, I've found the last two-three days challenging, and was only thinking this morning that I need to get better at dealing with stress which is fuelled by anxiety, and is more noticeable now I'm not smoking, and has been lurking around (and sometimes pouncing) for years. I am better at managing it than I was, easily. I would go to my GP if things get too bad and have done so in the past, I increased my physical activity over the years (swimming, yoga, cycling, running, tennis, weights), and my reduction in that over last year through having constant colds and chest infections shows and I need to revisit. I'm also getting into meditation; it is a challenge, but it is helping me focus on breathing which I believe is so important when quitting smoking.

    I've posted recently about my job on here. You are absolutely right about needing a job to pay the bills, and preferably with some enjoyment. My current job is monotonous, but not badly paid and I no longer work the ridiculous additional hours (free to my past employer!) that I have in the past. And my current employer is a supportive one.

    I apologise for going on about myself. I just wanted to illustrate that I think you will always find on here sympathetic 'ears', and most likely people who understand and/or have experienced to some degree similar issues,........and joys! I believe that quitting smoking can bring up these other challenges, these living/lifestyle questions. Not for everyone, but for a good number.We need to negotiate them and, as you noted in your posts, you recognise some of them, which is an achievement in itself.

    I wish you well on this journey that, although I haven't been excited over the last couple of days, can be an great adventure. All the best to you.

  • think your post was amazing, honest and articulate!! know i'm repeating myself but please feel free rant and rave, b**** and moan!! getting a load off your chest is always preferable to bottling things up and i think you're brilliant for facing the monster at work too, wish i could be that brave! AND well done for not letting the fags take over, ok so you had a slip but you got yourself right back on track!!! big hugs hun xx

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