Feel like I'm missing out

Well it's day 24 for me feeling ok, not massively enthusiastic but not craving and just accepting now that I don't smoke anymore, however, I have this massive feeling of missing out on social events with friends etc as I just can't go out drinking yet with friends on a weekend like I used to, I know I have little willpower no matter how much I don't want to smoke so I have been using avoidance to get me through, I gave up on the 28th October originally and I haven't been out with friends on a weekend since then, apart from the 2 weeks over Xmas which is when I smoked, hence me ending back here at day 24....

To give you an example, there was a music night at our local last night, basically an open mic night with guitarists, singers, harmonica players etc, all local people and all of them my friends, loads of people went and there's Facebook pics, statuses etc to say what a good night it was, all my friends went but I said I couldn't go cos of the not smoking thing.... They kind of go "oh yh, you'll be alright tho, come out it will be a good night" only I can't cos I will have a fag, I know this from past experiences....

Basically I am going through the phase of " what's the point in this, what's the point in missing out on living missing brilliant social events and nights out with friends and family just because I am weak"

I know people will say the likes of " what's worse missing a few events or smoking and getting cancer/ heart attack etc" and I know that's right, but while all my friends are enjoying their weekends and are out LIVING I am purely EXISTING, and it sucks....big time.... Unless going out to eat with husband and kids ( he's giving up aswell) I am literally going to work, coming home cooking dinner having a bath watching BB and going to bed.....I've never been one for staying we go out ALOT to parties, pubs meals etc on a weekend but now we just can't do it and hubby feels the same..

Does anyone else feel like this? I know some people can go out not smoke get pissed and just go with it but I can't I really can't all my fails have been when I've been out, away on a weekend etc... So to protect my quit I have avoided everything and am just starting to get a bit fed up now...

Sorry for the moan and ramble just wondered how others cope with social situations and can you really let yourself go or is your guard up 24/7 when out at social events..

Xx

16 Replies

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  • You could go socialise and not drink? I'm assuming it's the drinking which is the precursor to giving in and having a fag? I had one too many last weekend and I would have broken if my OH had brought his tobacco with him, would never have dreamed of it if I hadn't had more than a pint!

  • Yh I spose I could of, but it's not really being ME? I am always the fun time Frankie first one up dancing etc making my friends laugh.... It's just changing who I am I suppose, my friends are so important to me this forum is aswell I guess but it's not the same, I don't want to have to cling to this forum 24/7 I want to be able to do it myself? We all care about each other on here but it's all virtual.... I guess I just feel lonely and detached from my friends at the moment and I want my old life back :(

  • I bet you can do all that even without the booze :) have a few double espressos or something, get your bounce on :P

  • In seriousness though, maybe you can recruit some of your mates to support you and make sure that you don't touch the fags even if you're tempted. Is there someone you can go to and say I REALLY WANT A FAG ARGH who can talk you out of it? I know smoking friends can be incredibly unhelpful in that respect sometimes...

  • Donna, I do know where you're coming from.

    I can only pass on what's worked for me. As per others on the forum I realised I wasn't going to hack drinking whilst socialising without resorting to a fag so I more or less quit drinking at the same time as quitting smoking. I've been out with friends on several occasions since (several trips to London as well as NYE for example) and stayed sober. I still enjoyed myself with the added advantages of knowing I would be in control of my quit and, as an additional bonus, wouldn't have a hangover the next day. OK it isn't quite the same but hey- I tell myself that there will be plenty of opportunities for hitting the town big time when I know I'm properly in control.

    I also think Scarlett's suggestion about a 'minder' mate is a good one if you have a friend who would be prepared to take that role.

  • In seriousness though, maybe you can recruit some of your mates to support you and make sure that you don't touch the fags even if you're tempted. Is there someone you can go to and say I REALLY WANT A FAG ARGH who can talk you out of it? I know smoking friends can be incredibly unhelpful in that respect sometimes...

    All of my really close friends smoke except 1.... It's such a shame and they do tell me not to have one and try to talk me out of it but when I go out for "a bit of passive" (stupid I know) they won't let me have a fag or even a puff but them telling me not to whilst smoking just makes me want one all the more...and the one friend that quit smoking 5 years ago gets mad with me for going out there in the first place lol I am very easily led after a few shandoes lol xxx

    Donna , one of my early posts actually said "I want my old life back"!!! No we don't, stick with it. No one said it was easy but soon you will be able to cope. I'm sure not all your friends smoke so seek them out , chew a bit of gum, suck a lozenge and be jolly proud you don't smell ropy and spend a lot of money on killing yourself. xx:)

    I'm going to look up ur posts Una because u have really succeeded and if your thought train was "I want my life back" and u succeeded then I can too x

    Donna, I do know where you're coming from.

    I can only pass on what's worked for me. As per others on the forum I realised I wasn't going to hack drinking whilst socialising without resorting to a fag so I more or less quit drinking at the same time as quitting smoking. I've been out with friends on several occasions since (several trips to London as well as NYE for example) and stayed sober. I still enjoyed myself with the added advantages of knowing I would be in control of my quit and, as an additional bonus, wouldn't have a hangover the next day. OK it isn't quite the same but hey- I tell myself that there will be plenty of opportunities for hitting the town big time when I know I'm properly in control.

    I also think Scarlett's suggestion about a 'minder' mate is a good one if you have a friend who would be prepared to take that role.

    Your right there will be plenty of other times I am just fed up of not being me, it's almost like when u quit u smoking u have to quit associations aswe for a time so it's just not as cut and dried as not smoking...but u are right there will be other nights when I can go and be like I was before but just not smoking, thanks xxx

  • I know exactly where you're coming from Donna, I felt the same as well, but it can be overcome. There is life after fags:rolleyes:

    Have a look at my thread Major Test which I posted about 2 months into my quit X

    It really isn't a problem any more it's just a matter re-learning to live your life again as a non smoker.

    We weren't born as smokers were we?

  • Totally see where you're coming from, this is something that frightens me really, i think i can cope with any other occasion at the moment but the drinking/socialising situation is tricky - especially once your inhabitions have gone after a few beers.

    For me, I dont know if it's good advice or not but what I intend on doing is taking my ecig with me for these situations (i'll have to charge it up first as it's not been used yet during this quit) - i know they're bad also but not half as bad as a cancer stick (what some chief medical bloke said the other night)plus the next day you wont have the regret and feel disappointed with yourself

    Keep it going and good luck with your decision.

  • As you suggest you have to look long term, see the big picture. My attitude was that I had an aim, a goal, I wanted to be rid of the damn cigs. If that meant that I was going to miss out on socialising for a bit until my quit was more secure then so be it.

    Did I miss out on a few good evenings? Yes I did but it was it totally worth it in the long run!

    So look on it as an investment in your quit. It takes some effort and commitment to succeed and if going out is going to compromise things then give it a miss until you can do so without giving in to temptation.

  • Totally totally get you Donna - that is all 💙

    Big hugs, tough fight, wait til tomorrow - it's a new day.

    Xx

  • Thank you all glad I'm not the only one who feels like it.... I was having a bath earlier and at about 7:30 my patch fell off... I debated on putting another patch on but I don't have many left and I thought what's the point for 3 hours or so I will ride it out.... Jesus!!! Remember I said I haven't had any craves at all in 24 days? Scrap that! Maaaajor craving bad now..... Need to go to bed and just sleep it off I think :/ :/

  • Well it's day 24 for me feeling ok, not massively enthusiastic but not craving and just accepting now that I don't smoke anymore, however, I have this massive feeling of missing out on social events with friends etc as I just can't go out drinking yet with friends on a weekend like I used to, I know I have little willpower no matter how much I don't want to smoke so I have been using avoidance to get me through, I gave up on the 28th October originally and I haven't been out with friends on a weekend since then, apart from the 2 weeks over Xmas which is when I smoked, hence me ending back here at day 24....

    To give you an example, there was a music night at our local last night, basically an open mic night with guitarists, singers, harmonica players etc, all local people and all of them my friends, loads of people went and there's Facebook pics, statuses etc to say what a good night it was, all my friends went but I said I couldn't go cos of the not smoking thing.... They kind of go "oh yh, you'll be alright tho, come out it will be a good night" only I can't cos I will have a fag, I know this from past experiences....

    Basically I am going through the phase of " what's the point in this, what's the point in missing out on living missing brilliant social events and nights out with friends and family just because I am weak"

    I know people will say the likes of " what's worse missing a few events or smoking and getting cancer/ heart attack etc" and I know that's right, but while all my friends are enjoying their weekends and are out LIVING I am purely EXISTING, and it sucks....big time.... Unless going out to eat with husband and kids ( he's giving up aswell) I am literally going to work, coming home cooking dinner having a bath watching BB and going to bed.....I've never been one for staying we go out ALOT to parties, pubs meals etc on a weekend but now we just can't do it and hubby feels the same..

    Does anyone else feel like this? I know some people can go out not smoke get pissed and just go with it but I can't I really can't all my fails have been when I've been out, away on a weekend etc... So to protect my quit I have avoided everything and am just starting to get a bit fed up now...

    Sorry for the moan and ramble just wondered how others cope with social situations and can you really let yourself go or is your guard up 24/7 when out at social events..

    Xx

    Hi there, you are doing really well in your quit Donna so please don't think you're missing out. Great idea to focus on one thing at a time and as you are mastering the no smoking issue first, another few weeks and you be able to judge whether you can master the social events with or without alcohol. We are all different, I went to a few social gatherings and yes, the cig issue did bother me, but I stayed around with the other no smokers and had no alcohol. I was fine after a while. It does get easier being there so you don't have to miss out :)

  • You situation is identical to mine at the start of my quit. I avoided all social occasions - which sucked.

    After a few weeks into my quit I decided it was time I tested myself, because you can't hide forever, you have to face the demon eventually. Making it through that first drunken night out without a single smoke really affirmed my quit and I knew I could go out in the future with no problems.

    Sometimes avoiding cigarettes can be just as dangerous during a quit as it is to be standing in a smoke filled room. Think about it, you're at home wondering what it would be like to go out, drink, have a cigarette - instead you could be out with your friends, sipping a beverage and watching the smokers get pissed on in the rain and thinking 'why the *bleep* did I ever choose to do that?' ;)

  • Thanks all for your help, had a REALLY bad day yesterday and the patch falling off just put the tin hat on it... :/ I am going out on feb 8th, I can't avoid it, it's a night out with the girls for my birthday.... Got to face the music sometime.... Just hope I don't get constantly asked "how's the no smoking going" I know people are trying to help but I just don't want to talk about it, I want to get my head down and get on with it lol.... Thanks again, really means a lot xx

  • It's really hard when you're still in the early stages, especially as the old grey matter is still trying it's hardest to convince you that you have to smoke :( Personally at the beginning of the evening I would ask my friends to keep off the subject as I'm fine until someone mentions it ;) I deliberately did not stop having the odd glass of plonk when I first quit as I knew that abstinence would make me get squiffy very quickly when I did drink and then my willpower would be out of the window, especially if I was out with smokers. You can do it, you're not missing out, just doing things a bit differently :cool:

  • It's really hard when you're still in the early stages, especially as the old grey matter is still trying it's hardest to convince you that you have to smoke :( Personally at the beginning of the evening I would ask my friends to keep off the subject as I'm fine until someone mentions it ;) I deliberately did not stop having the odd glass of plonk when I first quit as I knew that abstinence would make me get squiffy very quickly when I did drink and then my willpower would be out of the window, especially if I was out with smokers. You can do it, you're not missing out, just doing things a bit differently :cool:

    Only just saw this thank you, very wise words, I'm ok now just in a right piss and irritable lol, it will pass tho xx

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