About to throw away 4 months of hard work

Hi everyone,

I posted a little while ago a glowing post about how well I was doing at the 3-month mark of having quit smoking. But I'm very close to buying a pack right now. I found out that someone who was like a little sister to me died unexpectedly due to an accidental drug overdose--a problem I didn't know she had, which makes me feel even worse. I've been an emotional mess since then, and it doesn't help that I don't have that many understanding people around me to help me cope with this loss. Add in the fact that while I have felt better since I quit smoking, I certainly don't feel like myself, and I have often felt unrooted.

I don't know what to say except that I'd like to smoke a cigarette, just to comfort myself this one time. I could buy a pack, smoke one, and throw the rest away. Just to feel like myself for one minute instead of lost at sea, as I have been feeling for the past four months, to have a lifeline in order to ride out the wave of having lost someone important and meaningful in my life.

8 Replies

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  • Hold on there

    Hi Isabella

    So sorry to hear the tragic news about your friend. I hope you haven't gone out and bought cigarettes - they are no comfort. Our selective memory tends to think of them that way, but that is just the sly nature of addiction: the very thing that took your friend.

    I found I could suppress wanting a cigarette with deep breaths, eating fruit and exercise. A good cry can boost those dopamine levels too.

    All the best - cigarettes only add to the problem - but you know that.:) we all do - nicotine is a deceptive monster!!:(

  • I'm so sorry about your friend. That news is hard to take at the best of times. BUT a cigarette is not going to bring your friend back and it certainly won't make you feel any better!! You will probably just feel guilt on top of your sadness. And you will need to get through those first few months again if you decide to quit again? It's never just one puff or just one cigarette...

    I really hope you are ok - sending a big virtual hug.

    Sarah

  • Isabella....I am so sorry to hear about your friend. Please can you use us instead of buying the fags? They won't even taste nice, you know......and they will only add to your pain by making you feel guilty and sick. I hope I don't offend, but please don't taint the memory of a precious friend by having a cigarette. My thoughts are with you and I am willing you not to cave in........

    Val

    xxx

  • That's exactly how I blew a 13 year quit. Something undeniably awful happened; there was no one to turn to; I thought "Well, I'll just have a cigarette and throw the rest away."

    What's the harm?

    Took me six years to quit again. Please don't buy that pack or "borrow" a cigarette from someone. It won't make one thing better.

  • Isabella, am very sorry to hear about your friend :( terrible news. I lost a friend and colleague not too long ago, to alcohol addiction. My first thought when she died was to smoke, but I fought it, as I knew deep down it was not going to make me feel any better, she would still be gone and I would have let myself down..... Please hang on, we are all here to help if you need us :)

    Take care

    Angela

  • Thank you all for the kind words and support, and relating similar experiences.

    I didn't go out and buy cigarettes. Tempting as it was, I stayed home, obsessively fiddled around with the computer, and then went to bed. I finally got some much-needed sleep; slept more than I cried, which is an improvement. If there's anything to smile about, it's that I dreamt last night that I had an unbelievable amount of cash in my wallet that I didn't know I had. In my dream, my mouth was dropped open as I pulled out one $20 after the other. The heart dreams in sleep what it can't have during waking hours.

    Karri, the link you posted is very helpful. It explains my feelings at lot.

    DGee, it's good to hear what you went through. Looks like I will need to be vigilant even years from now about turning to a cigarette in a time of need.

    Now I understand when people say a cigarette is like their best friend. I never felt that way, but I now see that when I was a smoker, I sometimes turned to a stick like it was a friend. What it really does is allow you to spend time with yourself--it gives you something to do as you ponder, reflect, and think--but of course, one can do that without a cigarette.

  • I don't really know what to say as I haven't quit as long as you but just felt compelled to come on here and give u a ((((( hug ))))) xxxxxxxx

  • Donna, you are sweet, thank you. Hug right back at you! How far along are you?

    It's good that you posted your nice thought because the cravings have really kicked up. Dec. 17th was the 4-month anniversary, but I don't remember cravings of this kind preceding this date. I have been flirting dangerously close to buying a pack. The cheapest costs $12 here, mind you...What I would do to have a Malboro right now while I'm drinking my glass of red wine.

    I wish for a cigarette. This empty feeling that is gnawing away. Just to fulfill it once.

    The event that I spoke of lit a very strong desire to smoke, but I have to say, I am surprised that my want is still there. Shouldn't it be gone by now?

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