very bad moment

Nobody wants me. No one cares if I live or die. Someone's just actually hoping that I die (what a best revenge after me having survived its violence and intimidations!). The rest of people, (before,, when I wass still a beauty and fit and energetic) or envied or wanted, never loved, never cared. –now I am tired. I stopped to smoke, and I am immensely proud for that,, but my heart now ache more than never before.

Few years ago, when I stopped to smoke the first time for three months, after a few weeks I started to perceive this sharp pain on the chest. It was the heart letting me know that it was too full of pain, like a bomb next to explode. But I would just say to it, hush baby, let’s breathe, time will heal us. But one night I went to bed with this painful heart and had the strange feeling that it was not to be excluded the possibility that I was going to not wake up again. I could see the authenticity of the feeling because there was no fear or sense of depression, loneliness or whatsoever, but knowledge and calm. Even a sort of a sense of peaceful gratitude and even a more strange sense of “soft joy”, like tender clouds softly playing with warm and soft colours.

Eventually, while “sleeping” something happened, but I was given the chance

to walk away or to stay and I went for the second and decided to remain.

Wrong choice. Since then all went worse

If the chance presents itself again, I am sorry, but this time I will go.

I am too tired of the pains(and no just mine, really) and no one here to carrying them with.

I want to go now.

three time in my life I have been very happy: while I could play and study pianoforte, while I could dance and leap around, and while walking at night along the streets of London. I love it, I feel it like being my town, my home, even if I was not born there. And I love England and the English people, and one day I hope I … I will be living again in the “Angel’s Land”

Take care everyone and stick with the quit!!



6 Replies

  • Oh Veronica, what an incredibly sad post, which I find hard to find the words to say to you. Please go and talk with someone, thinking of you x

  • Oh Veronica - we are all here for you!!! Please go see your doctor ASAP - you sound completely depressed and like you might need a helping hand.

    Thinking of you and sending hugs

    Sarah xxxx

  • Veronica.....I am so sorry that you feel like this. Whatever fears you have can be eased by the right sort of help. As others have said.....go and see your doctor so that the right help can be made available to you. The help is just have to make that first step and go and see your doctor.

    An awful lot of people (me included) have needed help at some point in our lives............please take that first step so that your doctor can help you.

    Thinking of you (and caring)



  • Veronica, that is such a sad post. I'm so sorry that you feel so alone. I don't have the words other than, as others have said, please, go and see your doctor, it will help you.

    I really do hope that your hearts lightens soon and you can feel happiness again.

    I'll be thinking of you. Please let us know how you are.

    Molly x

  • Thank you all.

    I’d wish I could sound more positive, but really I am feeling strained while still being in the middle of a battle field. Now more than ever I am being attacked, for I proved –once again and with even more determination- my intention and will to stand for justice, to not give in to fear. Please forgive the post of tonight, just a very bad moment. After a couple of very awful days and some bad news took yesterday night pills to help me sleep -which I never do!- and on empty stomach!! Really, practically desperate to “unplug” and get some rest from worries! But, the only result was the above post and an all-over dizziness.

    And maybe this bad moment of abandon was in fact intensified by the absence of nicotine as a sedative; therefore, an abstinence crises (even if just psychological). God it is not easy, and the best ally can be the worst enemy - thinking of the mind.

    Once again, apology. Did not mean to throw it on anyone nor to pity myself…

    It was a fool of me to take those sleeping pills. I practically take no medicine, not even pain killers and then, all of a sudden I take sleeping pills? And with an over-sensitive body like mine? …

    One of the reason I had to stop smoking without any medical aid is this hypersensitiveness.. and this hypersensitiveness is also the reason I was extremely aware of the damaging effect of smoking..

    Really, thank you for your support and again and again: apology.

    Plus, to balance the sad post of tonight, there is this message I’d rather wish to pass now: there is not “substance” that can solve what can only be solved by patience and commitment. A sleeping pill is not any better than a cigarette. Both creating illusions and causing mind dizziness.


  • The mind is a very powerful thing indeed, Veronica. It can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Nurture it into being your best friend and ally. Whatever it is that is troubling you, I wish you the strength to conquer it.



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