Nobody wants me. No one cares if I live or die. Someone's just actually hoping that I die (what a best revenge after me having survived its violence and intimidations!). The rest of people, (before,, when I wass still a beauty and fit and energetic) or envied or wanted, never loved, never cared. –now I am tired. I stopped to smoke, and I am immensely proud for that,, but my heart now ache more than never before.
Few years ago, when I stopped to smoke the first time for three months, after a few weeks I started to perceive this sharp pain on the chest. It was the heart letting me know that it was too full of pain, like a bomb next to explode. But I would just say to it, hush baby, let’s breathe, time will heal us. But one night I went to bed with this painful heart and had the strange feeling that it was not to be excluded the possibility that I was going to not wake up again. I could see the authenticity of the feeling because there was no fear or sense of depression, loneliness or whatsoever, but knowledge and calm. Even a sort of a sense of peaceful gratitude and even a more strange sense of “soft joy”, like tender clouds softly playing with warm and soft colours.
Eventually, while “sleeping” something happened, but I was given the chance
to walk away or to stay and I went for the second and decided to remain.
Wrong choice. Since then all went worse
If the chance presents itself again, I am sorry, but this time I will go.
I am too tired of the pains(and no just mine, really) and no one here to carrying them with.
I want to go now.
three time in my life I have been very happy: while I could play and study pianoforte, while I could dance and leap around, and while walking at night along the streets of London. I love it, I feel it like being my town, my home, even if I was not born there. And I love England and the English people, and one day I hope I … I will be living again in the “Angel’s Land”
Take care everyone and stick with the quit!!