Hi I'm new here. Please don't mind me, I just need to vent somewhere or I might just explode in a shower of drama. This would probably be gross.
Don't read my post if you've got or had drug problems you can't deal with. Go and read any other thread.
So I had a severe asthma attack about a month ago and was hospitalised. I decided to see if I could give up smoking so as to try and avoid certain death and set off on my merry adventure into a world of positive thinking and clean air.
Except that I am a self-destructive mess and I think that the task of giving up smoking has unleashed a Pandora's Box of hell from which there is no escape.
I've got a long history of mental health problems, the very reason I started smoking in the first place was because I wanted a new way to destroy myself. That "Smoking Kills" warning was like an invitation or a promise, a demon outstretching it's hand and telling me that no matter what happened, one day it'd all stop. Guaranteed, and even better no-one would blame me, it was perfect. I just had to be patient.Smoking lead to drinking, which lead to everything else really. I was wrapped up in this whole thing, trying to self-medicate away my pain with all these things that worked right now not six months away. Amphetamines for the sad days, cannabis for the sunny days, alcohol for when I just wanted to break something and stranger stuff because why the hell not. I'd try anything so long as it wasn't obvious (like heroin), so I was never addicted to anything you see. I was the most cleverest drug-user.
So one day I moved away so I could escape it all. A part of me wonders to this day what I was thinking, to move away from all of that almost without warning. To up and leave and find myself in a place where I couldn't get cannabis or pills or whatever. I still did it though. It set me free in some ways.
Fast forward even more and we get to the point where nicotine is starting to properly kill me, after meeting the right person and moving to an even better place. The government have taken away the money they used to give me because I was a bit of a lunatic, because get a job you scrounger, which meant I had fewer options for stop-smoking aids, but other than that I'm ok. Except smoking is killing me. I can't breathe any more. I've been in hospital twice. The Demon was true to his word when he told me at age 15 that he'd kill me and end my pain. I don't go to the doctors because the doctors suspect I'm a terrible, hopeless junkie (except I'm not any more but that's irrelevant to them as far as giving me useful medication is concerned), so I have no quitting plan, no backup, my new friends in my new town in my new house don't even know I used to be a terrible and hopeless junkie, because I moved on folks. I became someone a bit more like I always imagined I'd be, before the pain. I'm never going to tell them because I like people thinking I'm this person for once.
So I've got my partner, who these days is more of a junkie than me (I mean, he drinks alcohol people, it's shocking) who has absolutely no idea what it means to be me while I am in this state and in this much pain, with my crazy mind and my crazy addictive personality, getting shouted at while I turn into a hellhound, because GOD-DAMNIT THIS WAS THE LAST DRUG I HAD LEFT. THIS PATHETIC, STUPID EXCUSE FOR A CHEMICAL WAS THE LAST DAMN ONE AND NOW IT'S BEEN TAKEN TOO.
I gave up my old life, I gave up everything and during it all I had the old nicotine. It didn't get me high like everything else, I mean let's be honest nicotine is a **** drug. Yet now I've given it up because I'm going to break the contract to the Nicotine Demon and it's responded by breaking down all the walls I'd built up in my head, by myself, because no-one ever helped me. So I got over drugs and things long ago. It's been something like 6 years, easily. That's forever in drug terms I think. Yet giving this nicotine up has threatened to un-do so much progress, mental-health wise. If my mind implodes again then I'm worried that I'm screwed.
I'm just about 1 month in giving up nicotine. It's evil.
I feel a bit better now. Thanks, stop smoking forum I found on google. I don't know if you have many people like me suddenly appear, but if I scare you or something you can just ignore me if you want. I've vented, crisis has been averted for now. I'm really grateful.