9 Whole days of not smoking, means I’m onto day 10. Hope everyone is feeling better than I am. I am feeling seriously low today. I feel exhausted. I am so sick of playing tug of war with my mind...
Mind: “you want to smoke”
Me: “No I don’t”
Mind: “Yes, you do. You NEED this. It’s part of who you are.”
Me: “NO I DON’T, IT IS NOT PART OF ME”
Mind: “But just one, it wont hurt. What more possible harm could it do...”
Me: “.....Pi$$ Off!!!”
Mind: “No-one will be disappointed with you, everyone knows you as a smoker”
Me: “Right thats it, I’m gonna blow my fudging brains out if you don’t SHUT UP!!!!”
It has really got me questioning my motives. Whose bloody idea was this anyway?? There is no where to run, there is no where to hide. I know I just have to stick to it, but Its like I’ve got the bloody chuckle brothers in my head (to me, to you, to me, to you). It is so tiring. Couldn’t fall asleep last night, was just laying in bed with my eyes closed but my mind was all over the place. Thinking please just go to sleep...
Every morning I wake up, my throat feels like the bottom of bird cage (or rough as a badgers arse - whatever saying you want to use). You know the feeling when you’ve had a particularly “heavy” night of drinking and smoking and your throat is sore in the morning? Yep, that’s what I’ve woken up with for the past 10 days.
I’m also worried that I HAVEN’T developed a smokers cough. Is it too early for that? Why aren’t my lungs clearing all the sh!t out? Although my Lungs do feel strange.... I feel like I can TASTE hot ash in my LUNGS... its the only way I can describe it... anyone else get that? It feels like hot ash is falling down my lungs and hitting the bottom of my lungs and I can ...”taste” ash and “feel” that it is hot.
I really do feel like I’m on the ropes today. My mind is really doing a number on me at the moment, I think i’m starting to lose my marbles. I am actually going insane. I will end up in a white jacket... locked up in a padded cell... rocking back and forth.
I am definitely “down” today, but do not worry, I’m most certainly not “out”. This is by FAR the worst I’ve felt so far.
And to top it all off, Ive got work all day... followed by an evening at college... when all i want to do is be at home and hide under my bed from the ‘monster’.
I know this is just “one of those days”, I know it will get better. The constant wrestling between me and my mind cannot go on forever. One of us has to back down eventually and admit defeat. Trust me, it will not be me. No matter how hard i find it and how low i feel, i will NOT be beaten.
I’ve done it again, sorry for rambling on so much.
How is everyone else today? Anyone else have the strange feeling in the lungs? Should I be worried about NOT having a smokers cough?