Day 10 - Mind Games

Morning Gang!

9 Whole days of not smoking, means I’m onto day 10. Hope everyone is feeling better than I am. I am feeling seriously low today. I feel exhausted. I am so sick of playing tug of war with my mind...

Mind: “you want to smoke”

Me: “No I don’t”

Mind: “Yes, you do. You NEED this. It’s part of who you are.”

Me: “NO I DON’T, IT IS NOT PART OF ME”

Mind: “But just one, it wont hurt. What more possible harm could it do...”

Me: “.....Pi$$ Off!!!”

Mind: “No-one will be disappointed with you, everyone knows you as a smoker”

Me: “Right thats it, I’m gonna blow my fudging brains out if you don’t SHUT UP!!!!”

It has really got me questioning my motives. Whose bloody idea was this anyway?? There is no where to run, there is no where to hide. I know I just have to stick to it, but Its like I’ve got the bloody chuckle brothers in my head (to me, to you, to me, to you). It is so tiring. Couldn’t fall asleep last night, was just laying in bed with my eyes closed but my mind was all over the place. Thinking please just go to sleep...

Every morning I wake up, my throat feels like the bottom of bird cage (or rough as a badgers arse - whatever saying you want to use). You know the feeling when you’ve had a particularly “heavy” night of drinking and smoking and your throat is sore in the morning? Yep, that’s what I’ve woken up with for the past 10 days.

I’m also worried that I HAVEN’T developed a smokers cough. Is it too early for that? Why aren’t my lungs clearing all the sh!t out? :( Although my Lungs do feel strange.... I feel like I can TASTE hot ash in my LUNGS... its the only way I can describe it... anyone else get that? It feels like hot ash is falling down my lungs and hitting the bottom of my lungs and I can ...”taste” ash and “feel” that it is hot.

I really do feel like I’m on the ropes today. My mind is really doing a number on me at the moment, I think i’m starting to lose my marbles. I am actually going insane. I will end up in a white jacket... locked up in a padded cell... rocking back and forth.

I am definitely “down” today, but do not worry, I’m most certainly not “out”. This is by FAR the worst I’ve felt so far.

And to top it all off, Ive got work all day... followed by an evening at college... when all i want to do is be at home and hide under my bed from the ‘monster’.

I know this is just “one of those days”, I know it will get better. The constant wrestling between me and my mind cannot go on forever. One of us has to back down eventually and admit defeat. Trust me, it will not be me. No matter how hard i find it and how low i feel, i will NOT be beaten.

I’ve done it again, sorry for rambling on so much.

How is everyone else today? Anyone else have the strange feeling in the lungs? Should I be worried about NOT having a smokers cough?

14 Replies

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  • Oh Craig,

    Do hang on in there mate. Sounds like you having the day I had on Tuesday.

    You know you are stronger than this demon. Everyday that goes past he shrinks just that little bit more. It won't be long before you see him disapear in a puff of red smoke to go and torment somebody else that isn't as strong as you.

    Do you take a drink of water or something to bed with you at night? it may help your throat if when you wake up to have a little slow drink.

    You may not get the clearing out of the lungs, when i gave up a few years ago (stupidly went back on them) i never had a cough or anything.

    You hang on in there mate you know you can do this. Don't you dare give in.

    Jane

  • Craig, I feel your pain! But as you say, part of this deal is just accepting that bad days like this will come along and gritting your teeth and just getting through it. But a few things might help.

    The inner voice will be silenced in the end. But for now... You've thrown your brain into confusion and it's trying all sorts of tricks to get you to answer that prompt to smoke. Some of them feel really physical, a whole-body involvement in that psychological battle. It can be very tough some days, especially when you just can't think about anything else. So if you're going to be obsessing, maybe try to turn that into a positive. Look on each passing hour as a battle won in the great war against addiction. Give yourself little rewards. Maybe esearch the harmful effects of cigarettes (if you're going to think about smoking you ought to be thinking about it realistically, not romantically). Going for short brisk walks can really help I found, when you feel like you're going completely nuts.

    The lung thing: not everyone gets 'the cough' - there have been lots of threads on here about that. The crapola in your lungs will shift eventually, and be expelled in ways other than coughing it up. The taste you're experiencing though, is probably because the cilia, the fine hair-like structures which line your lungs - which have been plastered down with all the crap - are unfurling and coming back to life. That can release the 'taste' of smoke sometimes. It also prompts dreams where you think you've been smoking. So it's a positive sign that your lungs are starting to repair themselves. Another positive!

    You can and you will get through today, and tomorrow, I guarantee you, you're going to feel so bloody proud of yourself.

    Keep on keeping on. Chin up! You've come this far!

    Helen

  • Craig xx

    this is all part of the addiction and why so many fail...you have to stay strong you know the little devil on the right shoulder is trying his hardest to out do the angel on your left ...

    Keep goin your doin great I had a couple of days like this around day 20-21 and I'm so glad I didn't give in now xx

  • Craig mate not a lot more i can say that these other fantastic people have said already but look...........................JUST KEEP AT IT PAL it does and trust me on this one IT GETS SO MUCH MUCH easier after a couple of weeks..............................................PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE Craig just fight it for a little longer and you will be sucking in not poison, but a whole new life :D.................Come on pal you only get out what you put in NOW COME ON :D:D

    If i can do it anybody can do it :D

  • Craig, I really can't add much more to anything people haven't already posted here, you're having one of those days, and they're common to most if not all CT quitters early doors. I know. It feels like you're a werewolf going through 'the change'. But you're doing brilliantly. They do get easier, fewer and further between and do go away - just stick with it, abject mental defiance my friend!

    Also on the cough - that's normal too. It took 'man-flu' a few weeks in for me to manage even a polite 'ahem', it may take weeks, it may never happen. Coughing is just the body's way of moving mucus around if the cilia in the lungs are struggling a bit, you may not even need to do it. Don't worry about it.

    Cheers! :)

    PS, just edited. Having re-read the thread, I do try and add bits but not repeat other posters' advice for the sake of it, no need. But I do want to add that the post from HelsBelles is as close to a perfect, flawless response on this topic as it gets in my view. What she said!

  • Hi Gang,

    thanks so much for all of your support, I will keep this post short LOL.

    I have read all of your messages over and over and over and over again. They really are helping, I feel a lot more calm now. Don't worry, I wont give up.

    Thank you so much for your support, ALL of YOU.

    Its Amazing how I've only been here for a week, yet I actually love you all already.

    FOR EVERY DARK NIGHT, THERE IS A BRIGHT DAY AFTER THAT.

  • Craig

    Such a turnaround from your 1st post to your 2nd! Night and day, you got through that stushie! Well done:)

    Can't add much more advice, but agree with Hawkeye, Hels post says it all.

    Fi x

    PS. I think Hels could set up her own NSC. (Non Smoking Clinic!)

  • Thanks again everyone!

    To be honest, I really think it is just one of those days. I think I would have felt down even if I was still a smoker, but your brain tries to trick you into thinking you would never feel like this if you hadnt stopped smoking. Well those tricks aren't gonna work on me Sonny Jim.

    Sometimes it's good to just get it all of your chest. have a good old rant. spill your feelings all over the keyboard.

    Just know i'm here for all of you as much as you are here for me.

  • Aww sorry I haven't been about in your hour of need but it seems like you found the strength to get through it. I know what you mean about having that constant internal dialogue going on telling you to smoke. I've found it helps to keep so busy that it doesn't have a chance to even get started. My job helps with that. Being with 26 2-4 year olds doesnt give me many opportunities to dwell on my cravings. Obviously that doesn't help in the small hours when you can't sleep. Meditation might help then though. Just clear your mind of everything but one thing (I usually choose to focus on my childhood home and revisit every room remembering as much detail as I can) Just brush aside all other thoughts as they crop up. It might sound stark raving mad but it really helps me and mostly I never get very far before I've fallen asleep.

    Join in with me now.......Ommmmmmmm:)

  • Pisky, you are such a star!!:)

    Aww shucks :o you're ace too Kat x

  • hi Craig,so sorry you have had a bad time sweetheart, hope you are feeling better with your quit. Don't let them beat you, don't forget your doing it for your little lad. love and support Joan x

  • Craig,

    Here's something to try. Practice making yourself LAUGH at the ridiculous, childish, persistent, foolish thoughts you're having that show up as craves.

    Next time one comes up, particularly a mind-bending, pin-you-to-the-wall crave, just pause, throw your head back, and force up a huge belly laugh.

    Guffaw, if you will.

    Say to the crave, "Is that all you got? Is that your best shot? Ha! You're going to have to do a LOT better than that to get this guy to smoke."

    And then say, "Crave, I fart in your general direction." And then laugh some more. :D

    You gotta stop taking these irrational craves seriously! It's all in your head! You DO know it's in your head, right? :)

  • DGee, I loved that. The psychology is so important and that nails it for me. Seriously good.

    Plus it would be quite funny watching someone trying it while at work in MacDonald's

  • Craig,

    Here's something to try. Practice making yourself LAUGH at the ridiculous, childish, persistent, foolish thoughts you're having that show up as craves.

    Next time one comes up, particularly a mind-bending, pin-you-to-the-wall crave, just pause, throw your head back, and force up a huge belly laugh.

    Guffaw, if you will.

    Say to the crave, "Is that all you got? Is that your best shot? Ha! You're going to have to do a LOT better than that to get this guy to smoke."

    And then say, "Crave, I fart in your general direction." And then laugh some more. :D

    You gotta stop taking these irrational craves seriously! It's all in your head! You DO know it's in your head, right? :)

    Just had to log on and say:

    What a fab post DGee!!! Certainly appeals to my sense of humour:).

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