Having thoughts of giving it all up...

I've successfully quit smoking for 248 days or so. I don't get cravings and haven't for a long time.

That said, I'm in the midst of an extended rough patch in my life, which doesn't seem to be something that will end soon.

My GF, bless her, is also in a rough patch. So rough, in fact, that she muses out loud about "checking out," if you catch my meaning. That has me completely beside myself. She's got no family, and for some time now, her work as a freelancer has been drying up, so she's nearly broke and (literally) facing homelessness.

There, but for the grace of God, go I as well. I'm broke; I'm running out of prospects, I have lost my sense of purpose in life (I mean, what's the point? I find myself asking over and over.)

I know these problems and issues are WELL beyond the scope of this website, and I apologize for making anyone uncomfortable, but I also need to say this:

Even after 248 days, smoking continues to haunt my thoughts from time to time, especially now, when I'm at my wits end, and I ask myself - what's the point? Why care about the impact of smoking at this point?

I want to buy a pack of cigarettes and smoke every last one, one after the other. I guess it's like saying I want to buy a bottle of booze, if I were an alcoholic, and go on a bender.

I just want to feel something. Anything. I'm numb, I'm sad, I'm really, really not doing well.

And to be honest, it would feel GREAT to have a smoke right now. I know, I know, it wouldn't change a thing. But I'm just being honest. I'd like a cigarette. Or two. Or twenty.

I don't care if it's bad for me, if it stinks, if it costs real money I can't afford to spend. I just want to smoke and enjoy my pity party.

Thanks for listening. I thought maybe the newbies should know that even after 248 days, you can still have the urge to smoke. Doesn't mean they shouldn't quit or that it won't get easier, but there very well may be a time in the future when you simply want to smoke again. Good luck.

[Hidden]

So it never gets better then :confused:

Your mileage may vary. I can only speak of my own experience.

[nsd_user663_50109]

Please don't give in..

I'm going thru some stuff my self at the mo.. I might loose my home in December if I Carnt find work. So I understand what ur other half is going thru.. I don't want me 30 living in a bed sit with strangers.

I don't crave but iv felt like giving in too as I keep thinking at least it will be something I can and no I will enjoy.. But I look at how nice and clean my teeth are.. How my hair smells of shampoo and not fags.. I can run 3 mile.. Could not clime the stairs with out feeling like I was dying.. And my problems will still be here if I smoked. I will still be facing homeless if I smoked.. And have less money..

Try think of the positives I no it's hard to think of them at a time like this. But it's not worth ending it all. X

[nsd_user663_53617]

Hey DGee,

I'm so sorry that you and your GF are going through such a rough time at the moment. When the world comes crashing down around you, that's when your brain is clever and tricks you into that desire for a fag.

I've no doubt you want one/pack right now but as you pointed out you know it won't make things better. Would it make you feel better? I don't know, I suspect not.

At the end of the day the choice is yours, but what I do know is that if you really really wanted to do that, you'd have bought that pack by now. By coming on here and sharing with us how you feel makes me think that you don't really want to - if you want someone to talk you out of lighting up, I can do that. No one can change the circumstances in your life right now but we can listen when you need to offload

Hope things get better for you soon

Karen xx

[nsd_user663_52535]

DGee

Please, please don't have a cig. You are such an inspiration to others.

I've bumped up an old post of yours, I'm sure I'm not the only member who has has been helped by your words of wisdom during their quit journey.

Fi x

[nsd_user663_49670]

Hi DGee

I've just seen your post and read about some of the problems you are facing.

From what you've said it seems you and your girlfriend are going through the mill at the moment and I really do feel for you.

Smoking seems to be the least of your problems right now but you will get through them without it, speaking from my own experience I know that it doesn't solve anything.

I hope things start to improve soon for both of you.

Evie x

[nonico 7 Years Smoke Free]

Nostalgia??

Hi DGee

Sorry you're feeling numb - that's a horrible feeling. I was going through your posts and found this from one of your earlier threads:

Nostalgia

In spite of ALL these things (guilt, anger, and embarrassment), I still romanticize smoking occasionally, and long for the days when I was a clueless smoker (back when I was in my 20s, thirty-five years ago). I was young, carefree, and I loved smoking. It was part of my self-identity and I saw no reason to give it up, until much later.

I think we all do that - we associate smoking with our carefree youth and when we feel down we romanticise smoking. Youth is many things in our memory I think - it was also before our brains were wired up permanently and that's probably why we were silly enough to smoke. Now that we're older and wiser smoking is seen as a stupid habit.

Smoking never solves anything, but you know that as well as we all do. Hope things clear up a bit for you soon.

[nsd_user663_42390]

Hi Dgee,

so sorry to hear about your troubles, I dont think you will smoke because if you were really thinking of it, you would have done it by now.

However I do think you needed to write that down and get some support off your friends on the forum. I do hope you and your GF get some good fortune very soon it seems terrible to me in this day and age that people can become homeless through no fault of their own.Is she eligible for welfare until her situation improves? I think her talk of checking out means that she needs to see a GP or some professional who can help her and in turn that will help you too, it must be dreadful hearing someone you love saying such things and seeing them so down on their luck.If you were in the UK I would suggest you both went to the Citizens advice bureau, I dont know whether you have an equivalent in US? It is an organisation that gives advice to people in your GF situation.They can tell you what the best course of action is and what you would need to do to avoid becoming homeless.I do hope there is someone who can help you both. Good luck and take care Hazel xx

[nsd_user663_20558]

Let me add my voice to the general sentiment - so sorry to hear of your difficulties. And I really hope your girlfriend can get some counselling or help.

The only thing I would say with regard to the smoking is that when life is turning to shit and you are losing your grip on everything around you, this is one thing that you CAN have control of.

Hope things turn around for you soon.