What is wrong with me?

Hello All

Well, here I am 'head in hands' and back to square one again. I really don't know what is wrong with me where quitting is concerned other than that I must have no common sense or willpower at all.

I had been quit for almost 2 and a half months this time and seemed to be coping reasonably well. This was to be the time when I would finally overcome my smoking addiction, or so I thought. However it was not to be because, as usual, at the first sign of a little bit of life's pressure (something and nothing really and certainly just one of those annoying things that all of us have to deal with now and again) I cracked, and resorted to smoking once again.

I KNOW this is so pathetic and that smoking solves nothing but initially I did feel it offered me some kind of misguided comfort. None the less I felt guilty and weak for letting myself down yet again but even that hasn't prevented me from continuing to smoke for the past couple of weeks.

Since I've started smoking I've even noticed that the troublesome cough I had before I quit is even starting to reappear so that should be all the evidence I need to wise up and kick this habit for good.

I am going to give quitting another go and this time I hope I will do better. I've still go 2 cigarettes left that I know I should throw away but I will smoke them first and then make a promise to myself that I will not buy any more. You would think that the money I could save by not smoking would be incentive enough to make me stop but even that doesn't seem to work for me.

I know the dangers of smoking, I think it's a disgusting and expensive habit that I wish I could do without yet here I am once again, right back where I started with only my stupidity to blame.

I'm sorry for bleating on like this I really am, and especially to the people on here who have been so supportive of me in the past.

I must be starting to sound like a broken record but I know I must try again so I will post later today when I start my next attempt.

I feel like such a loser - thankyou for listening.

Evie

17 Replies

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  • Sorry to hear that Evie. Don't beat yourself up. You certainly aren't the first and you won't be the last. Look how well you did. A loser wouldn't have got that far. We're all here for you.

  • Starting Again

    Thankyou Netto for your kind words of support.

    Once more I am beginning another attempt at quitting smoking for good and I hope that this will truly be the last time I have to say this.

    I know that I can do it as my previous attempt has proved, I just have to make sure that I don't let myself down again.

    Quitting smoking shouldn't be difficult, at least that's what I thought but for me it is proving to be quite a challenge. I am discovering that my willpower is not as strong as I thought and that smoking really is an addiction that I am having a struggle to break.

    It's funny because the last time I quit I felt so positive and confident at the start that I would succeed - I wanted so much to kick the habit into touch.

    I still want to do this, probably even more than ever but it's beginning to feel a bit of a daunting prospect now in view of my last failure.

    But, it's no use worrying about the past so I will concentrate on changing the future. Now that I have nothing left to smoke I have promised myself that I will not weaken and buy anymore today. I have no intentions of buying any tomorrow either but I think that if I just concentrate on one day at a time then I might find quitting easier.

    I have had plenty of experience of managing my cravings in the past so I know what to expect and know how to manage them but if anything, that makes me feel even more ashamed that I allowed myself to fail last time.

    Oh dear, this is turning out to be a miserable post which was not my intention at all, I think I am just allowing myself to wallow in self pity so I will stop that right now and get on with my quit.

    Day one starts now so it's onwards and hopefully upwards from now on.;)

    Evie

  • Welcome back!

    Evie.... So sorry, but this is a blip! Loser? You? Never!

    The fact that you are going to try again is brilliant! You can use all that you have learnt on previous quits and put it to good use in this next quit and hopefully this will be the quit that sticks. It takes a lot of guts to get on here and admit you have caved you didnt have to do that so please dont be hard on yourself. Good luck with your next quit and we as Una says are all here routing for you.xxxxx

  • Thanks Una and Una-G and sorry I got your name wrong Netti.

    To the 2 Unas - I can't believe I'm back at the beginning again but I will keep trying.

    Good to hear from you again.

    Evie x

  • Haze, you can't imagine how I felt having to come back here and start again.

    It was so stupid of me to cave in like that but it only takes one mistake and the damage is done.

    I will pick myself up though and start again and I will try to keep smiling.

    So good to hear from you but wish the circumstances were different.

    Evie x

  • I will pick myself up though and start again and I will try to keep smiling.

    Evie x

    Good girl! xx

  • Evie, enough of beating yourself up! Look at what the trigger was and see if you can learn from that, otherwise just start again as you're doing ;) I've had a shocking day today in some ways emotionally, and for the first time in a long time this morning it flashed through my head to have a fag, but it went away again as I knew it would solve nothing. That's what the addiction does, it hovers about and bites when you're vulnerable. You'll know too next time, so learn from your own experience and carry on now.

    If you were a loser, you would not be posting on here, as others have already said :)

  • Evie, I'm coming up to 1 month quit and reaching a stage where the initial euphoria of the quit is starting to wear off. What worries me is the danger of complacency setting it - it's so easy to have just one smoke, and yet that would be fatal.

    You sound distraught in your posts and they make sobering reading. I really appreciate your courage in coming on here and admitting what has happened. I know it is painful for you, but it is beneficial to me (and probably others at a similar stage) to hear just how bad it feels to break the quit. If in the future the temptation comes to smoke, then it may make the difference between succumbing, or not. So, thank you for your posts, difficult though they have been for you to make. :)

  • Eviedont worry hunni

    i have also been in your shoes and have quit for about 3mths in the passed, different approaches each time but yes like you got so far and caved:mad: this has made me feel worse for giving in and each time taken me longer to attempt again, last time i attempted was 3yrs ago and was so scared to try again as so many people got so disappointed when i started again i didnt want to go through that again:(

    This time ive had to quit cause of health scare (COPD) IM ONLY 34:eek:

    so Evie you are stronger than me as you are already going in for quitting again and we will all be behind you 100%

    good luck hun Sian xx

  • Hi Evie,

    You've had a little blip, but you're strong enough to come on here and share with us all, which in my mind means that you're still serious about quitting, and definitely not a loser!

    Get the blip behind you and onwards and upwards

    Karen x

  • Evie, I'm coming up to 1 month quit and reaching a stage where the initial euphoria of the quit is starting to wear off. What worries me is the danger of complacency setting it - it's so easy to have just one smoke, and yet that would be fatal.

    You sound distraught in your posts and they make sobering reading. I really appreciate your courage in coming on here and admitting what has happened. I know it is painful for you, but it is beneficial to me (and probably others at a similar stage) to hear just how bad it feels to break the quit. If in the future the temptation comes to smoke, then it may make the difference between succumbing, or not. So, thank you for your posts, difficult though they have been for you to make. :)

    Hey Biggrin, I hear you about complacency. I gave up in January for about 4 months and then became complacent....it was the just one won't harm, or just tonight....etc etc Big mistake!!! This time I've stopped and will not smoke again!

  • what's wrong with me

    Hello Evibie there is nothing wrong with you. Your not a loser you just didn't succeed.

    Time in the words from that well know song "to pick yourself up dust yourself down and start all over again"

    As someone else said in their post on the subject "God loves a trier"

    All the best with your quit

    Michael a.k.a:-lefoy123 in Glasgow

  • Thankyou all for your replies and support.

    Well I'm pleased to say that I've been back on the quit wagon for the past 8 hours and, just as I expected, all is well. I've realised that I can manage quite nicely without cigarettes for reasonably long periods of time - what I've now got to do though is make sure it's for good.

    I've just read an article somewhere online about smoking being an addiction that permanently damages the receptors in the brain. It also said that only approximately 20% of long term quitters can honestly say that they are never troubled by the odd desires to smoke again. I suppose that this is why, especially when faced with stressful or difficult situations, these brain receptors are sometimes triggered to make us want to reach out for our old habit.

    I was reading one of your posts today Angry Bear, you were talking about your son's situation and how this had angered and upset you almost to the point of making you feel you needed to smoke again. Like me you also knew it wouldn't solve or do anything at all to help but our brains seem to be programmed to send us these signals to try to convince us otherwise. At least you had the sense to ignore them thank goodness.

    I'm just going to try to remember the saying about 'old habits dying hard' where smoking is concerned from now on.

    I know that the next time something tricky pops up in my life that my immediate, irrational reaction is probably going to prompt me to think that a cigarette will be the solution so, seeing as I seem to have become the type of person who makes a drama out of a crisis these days:rolleyes:, I will have to be on my guard from now on.

    Sian, I am sorry to hear about your COPD diagnosis but I'm sure you will notice a considerable improvement to you health very quickly now that you've quit smoking.

    Stay strong everyone.

    Evie x

  • EvieB - Don't feel like a failure! I was taking Champix but by day 8 I was so itchy I had to stop taking it so I didn't even start my quit attempt. I now have got some mini lozengers. I went all day without having a cigarette (worked till 10pm) and I ended up having one on the way home and another since! If anyone is a failure - I am, couldn't even go a day :mad::mad: Hope to do better tomorrow.

  • Evie

    You are certainly not a loser, you slipped and got up again, so that in itself is an achievement. Wishing you all the very best, may this be the one.

    Fi x

  • :(

    Ahhh Evie SENDING YOU VIRTUAL (((HUGS)))

    When i read the first post i was shocked :eek: that you could put yourself down so much but then when i read the last post i see you have stopped doing that

    Just remember your smoking side is trying everything it can to get you back smoking and as ive said before there isnt many people that havent gone down the quit road again and again

    The fact you have jumped straight back on the quit wagon shows what sort of person you really are so please please forget about whats happened in the past and just put it down to another experience you have nothing to feel ashamed about

    You are a very brave woman who instead of just giving in and thinking those thoughts of "obviously i cant quit" or "i havent got it in me to stay quit"and letting that smoking side take the control back and be in charge of your life

    But you havent you have stood up to the bullying tactics and said NO IM NOT GOING DOWN THIS ROAD AGAIN

    So stand tall and smile you can do this you have already done this and look how far you got :)

    im so proud of you and if you get one of those thoughts about smoking again just come on here and post or read your earlier posts

    Just remember your smoking side will help you to forget what you went through when you first quit so rereading earlier posts will reinforce your resolve to stay quit

    Onwards and upwards Evie

    and my new fav phase never give up giving up ;)

    hugs

    Carol xxx

  • Good morning Evie, I trust you're well??! ;) enjoy the freedom!

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