How do I support my wife to stop smoking?

Hi, my wife has stopped smoking for almost two weeks now. To say she's been irritable is an understatement. I'm in the awkward predicament where I have never smoked and I'm trying my best to support her stopping. I know people talk about this "Nicotine Monster", but Jesus Christ. My wife has subjected me to verbal abuse like I've never seen before. Usually in front of our young children.Shes ranted about most areas of my character, my family, my friends, just about every action I take, including how I'm trying to support her. I want to try and help her and I've gotten up extra early or stayed up late to complete chores, but it seems that no matter what type of encouragement I offer up I'm being ridiculed and I've run out of ideas for support. Can anyone help me?:(

12 Replies

  • Yup. Get her to join this forum. If she can let off steam to people who have been through/ are going through the same thing, it might take the pressure off you a bit!

    Other than that, though, I can only wish you well and hope that you both ride the storm. It shouldn't take too much longer before things settle down a bit.

    Good luck.

  • HI Spudnik, I think its fantastic that you are supporting her. Please continue to do so.

    As helsbelles suggested, defintely get her to join this forum. I would never have joined anything like this before but have to say its the thing that has helped me the most.I have quit cold turkey.

    When I have been at my weakest and angriest moments. Its like medication, it calms you, lets you rant to people who understand and it helps you get to the next day.

    I have struggled like mad but if you ask my partner he will tell you I' m doing great. As far as he is concerned I have just stopped! Very different from the truth. I have needed the support from this group. This is my quit not his. I am on day 20 today and right now I can honestly say today is a lovely day it seems to be getting easier. I crave but it passes and I am thinking about smoking less and less.

  • Hi there spudnik, i agree with the others that it is great that you are supporting your partner. What i dont agree with is the abuse you are getting. I know it can be hard to quit but ther is no excuse for that in my book. Jeepers you're trying to help and she's treating you like that.......?

    I also dont believe in the "nicoteen monster". I think that there are cravings but they are psychological and physical and the trick is to undertand them and work on ways to overcome each one.

    Exceuse me but from what i am reading here it looks a lot like she hasnt acepted her decision to quot and that is whats making her abusive. She needs help and i think NRT ot her GP is the place to go.

    You may be a brilliant partner but you arent a door mat.

    good luck to you my friend, you sound ace.

  • Oh dear, you really do have a dilemma. Quitting affects some people in that way. I would definitely get her to join this forum and do all her ranting on here. Perhaps that will take some of the pressure off you. Hopefully things will settle down soon.

  • Hey Spudnik, I hate to ask but what sort of character is she usually? Nothing like this I'm guessing??? I ask because my fuse is often not the longest in the world and the first two weeks of my quit were terrible in terms of my temper so I can sympathise with her and yourself of course! Also what's her reason for quitting?

    I would not personally recommend NRT (patches and stuff) if she's two weeks quit, it would only be putting nicotine back into her system when it should be long gone by now. After two weeks nicotine itself shouldn't be the problem.

    Get her to join this forum is my best advice; as some of the others have said here, let her rant at us, we've all done it! Well, I have, I know that!

    You're doing brilliantly just holding your tongue by the sound of it; all my missus could have said was "oh just have a fag!" and I would have done, but she didn't say that at any point (although she's told me since that she nearly did so many times!) so I stayed off them. It's not fair to put that pressure on someone I know but there you have it, that's addiction for you :o

    Keep up the support as best you can and get her onto this forum!

  • Hi

    Well done for being so supportive of your wife in her quit. My advice is much the same as others, join the forum, but if she doesn't want to sign up, at least try to get her to read some of the inspirational stories on here. It's a very good distraction reading the posts on here, and it'll keep her quiet for hours on end.

    Fi x

  • Hard to be in your shoes! As others have said, you need to let her know how this is affecting you. You might want to frame that conversation in three parts known as LCS:

    [*]Here's what I LIKE about the fact that you're quitting.

    [*]Here's my CONCERNS about how it's been going.

    [*]Here are some SUGGESTIONS about things you (and I) could do differently to help you succeed at this challenge.

    When you talk, try to use "I" statements, rather than "You" statements. Example: Say, "I get confused/upset/angry (whatever) when you bark at me about the chores," rather than "You make me so confused/upset/angry (whatever) when you bark at me about the chores."

    I know that sounds almost the same, but it "lands" a little better and doesn't assign a motive to her behavior. I'm sure she's not intending to have the impact she's having.

    If you're not already, practice counting to 10 before you respond to something she's said/done that gives you a pinch.

    And last, but not least, remember (or bear in mind) it's truly not personal. She would be acting like this with any spouse or significant other during the first two weeks of her quit. It's really NOT about you, as cliched as that sounds.

    It does get better, she will calm down (if she sticks with it) and she'll also come to a time when she realizes what a knucklehead she's been - and she'll probably seek your forgiveness.

    Hang in there and let us know how it goes!

  • Hey Spud, ive been that Loony and I love my hubby and kids to distraction, is she going cold turkey? or on patches or champix? if its champix she needs to see her doc, as i said i was that loony on them.

    Otherwise you need to tell her straight, back off stop yelling and talk to me i cant hear you when you scream at me, talk to me and tell me step by step how i can help you through this.

    Best of luck to you both and keep us posted x

    (ps i know its what everyone has said but even reading through these helped me be brave enough to jump in and "chat" in the end)

  • Hi spud

    First of all I must congratulate you on your sensitivity and love towards your wife and family during what must be a seriously rough ride for you so far.

    I find it hard to give any advice to you though ........ as it is me that is the addict! .. but my wife has never smoked.....

    Your post has stopped me in my tracks and made me think hard about how I may be having an affect on her.... Oh my....have I been selfish in my quit?

    I will speak with her tomorrow (in bed now) and ask her how she felt in the early stage of my quit....hoping this will help both you and me.

    I really hope your wife is still on track and that YOU are still coping under the strain, you sound like a hero in the making :)

    All the best


  • good point nifty, I knew I was being selfish when i smoked, i never considered my behaviour andactions would be even more selfish now ive stopped, thanks spud a nice wake up call for a lot of us x

  • Bless you!! You sound like an absolute darling :) Me and my partner have both recently stopped smoking and I can honestly say that I think I am the more, lets say "fustrated" one...well okay, the tazmanian devil looks like a choir boy compared to me sometimes :o

    I think it would be great for her to join the has already helped me and I only started chatting yesterday!!

    Wishing you sincerely all the luck in the world and a big pat on the back for being so supportive :)

    Just a quick thought - I have been told Valerium helps (I am thinking of getting some myself ;))

  • Hi spud

    I spoke with my better half regarding your dilemma.

    She said that although I haven't been that bad to there have been times when she will avoid saying anything to avoid even the slightest conflict.

    Or even avoid me completely and keep busy doing something else. She said that it must be very hard for you but if it happens with us she always tries to keep in mind that it is not personal and we always hit out hardest at those closest to us.

    Mrs Nifty has noticed a difference already, so everyone's advice of getting your good lady on here sounds the best advice to me.

    This site has helped me beyond words!

    I hope you and your wife are still hanging in there.

    All the best


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