I was sick of it ruling my life

That's right sick, sick, sick. I felt sick, had no get up and go (unless of course I needed to go outside for a fag). I planned everything in my life around smoking. The dog needed to go out because I needed to sneak off for a cigarette, or she needed to go out so I had one. The children were constantly being told to stay inside with daddy while I just opened/closed the greenhouse door or put something in the bin. What a nightmare if the children were playing outside, having to crouch behind the car while keeping ears and eyes peeled incase one of them came near. Taking 3 of them back to the UK to visit family on my own was a nightmare of a journey. Even booked us in a caravan, so that when they were in bed, I could sneak out for a cigarette (you can't do that so easily in a hotel room). Although a week at the seaside was wonderful and the children had a great time it was planned around my addiction.

Hearing that children whose parents smoke are more likely to take it up themselves is the reason that I have been sneaking around. Convinced myself that as log as they didn't catch me, I was doing them no harm. No harm my arse. A mother who is grouchy and pissed off with her children because they want/need a little attention, just as she was about to go for a cigarette is harm. A mother who snaps at them for no good reason, other than nicotine withdrawal is not a good mother. A woman who ums and aahhs about going somewhere with has husband and/or children because she is trying to work out if it will fit in with her need to have a cigarette is not a good wife and mother.

Rant over, am getting quite cross with myself now.

Here's the good bit, not had a cigarette for 8 days now. Today I said to my children "who wants to go outside with me, it's a lovely day?". The cries of "me, me, me", "me want go outside" (That's my 2 year old) and "I do, I do" from them was lovely. We walked the dog, collected apples, then I did some gardening while they played. Later I was making the Sunday dinner and instead of sneaking out on my own to get some green beans and carrots from the veg patch, I took my daughter with me to help.

They are not a hinderance, they are my children, I love them and I want to be around for them. I am no spring chicken and my oldest child is only 8. I need to do whatever I can to be around as long as possible.

So cigarettes, let's say goodbye and good riddence :p

14 Replies

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  • What a great post.

    I was exactly the same; never actually smoked in front of my kids but went to extraordinary lengths to sneak around and hide my habit from them. I used to cringe inwardly when they'd say something about people smoking on TV or on the street and I'd say 'yes darling, isn't it awful'. I felt like SUCH a hypocrite.

    But I also felt that smoking represented the last little vestige of my rebellious youth, and I didn't want to let go of it. I thought I would lose that part of my old personality and be completely consumed in a life of goody goody mumminess. I also thought I'd never cope when the kids drove me nutso.

    What a load of codswallop. Firstly, the kids weren't driving me as nuts as I thought: it was the craving for a cigarette that was making me short tempered with them! Only a few weeks in I discovered I was WAY calmer as a non smoker.

    And as for the whole smoking/personality thing - well, that is a myth I perpetuated for far too long. I am precisely the same person I always was. Smoking did not impact on my character. Stopping it didn't deprive me of any aspect of my personality. That was just a bullshit excuse. Man, I look back and feel such a fool.

    Don't feel bad or guilty, we've all been there. Do what you are doing, and use it as another HUGE positive to move you forward, and keep you going through the rough days.

    By the way, you are doing FAB.

    Helen

  • I smoked in front of my kids!

    Disgusting! But I did.

    Fortunately neither of them smoke!:)

  • I smoked in front of mine too. They all smoke now. I wish I could change that but I can't. And they smoke around their children. Will the circle ever be broken???

    And don't fool yourself....hiding the smoking....they still know. The could smell it on you.

    The important think is we set the example and QUIT!!!! We are smoke free!!

    Don't worry about what happened in the past, you can't change that. Just resolve to show your children all your love and time...precious time. They grow so fast...spend every minute you can with them and thank yourself for those extra minutes that you are not sneaking around smoking. They are now spent with the children!!!

    Enjoy your babies and keep up the Quit!! Great JOB!!! ppat

  • U do realise that ur children most probley new u smoke. No matter wot sneaking about I did.

    My mum did it for years when we were kids. She though we didn't no but we did. :D she did used to smoke infront of us bug she have up then stated again but sneaking about with it.

  • Annieok

    OMG i could have wrote that post myself i can relate to every single word you wrote i was a hiding, sneaky, smoker

    i totally hate myself for the time i wasted and didnt spend with my kids and for all the times i shooed them away

    i too planned every outing around smoking and didnt go places because i couldnt smoke

    but on the positive side i have soooo made up for it now we do everything go anywhere and spend all the time possible together

    wow really stirs the old emotions posts like this and makes you realise how far we have come and however bad we were we have made the step in the right direction to make it all right

    keep going it just gets better and better

    boo

  • Your different now!

    All of us are different now...its ok...but you gotta forgive yourself!

    Yes you might have smoked in front of the kids..etc etc...but your

    a better person today...and this mean something! Keep going..

    its all good now! God Bless!

  • I was the worst of the worst. I smoked in front of my children. I smoked in the house. I smoked when they asked me to stop. I smoked when they came back from school saying teachers had told them their homework/schoolbag/pencil case/blazer smelt of smoke. I preferred (ha! - 'needed') to sit in my smoking den rather than spend time in the 'family room' with them. And I too had 'smoking opportunities' as my number one priority when I planned holidays, outings, weekend activities etc. I smoked even when they begged me to stop....

    I know - it is so hideous it is almost unbelievable. What a nightmare. What a waste. What a total, awful, complete and utter waste - of both my opportunities as a mother and of their rights as children/young adults. If I bought into guilt as a valid/helpful emotion, I'd be stufffed.

    I am fortunate in as much as I believe we can LEARN from the past, but the only direction in which we can usefully travel is within the present moment and into the future. I'm also fortunate that my kids appear to have seen me as a massive WARNING! Now in their late teens/early twenties they are old enough to decide for themselves, and two out of three of them are committed non smokers. For now, anyway .... since I never say never!

    The third, bless her, was probably always going down the road less travelled so to speak - but she does so with a mum who has given her - eventually, and hopefully not hopelessly late - a very open and honest reflection of the dangers of smoking. Cigarettes, that is. Can't speak for anything else ....

    Annie - from one mum to another, I'm so pleased for you that you're quitting now. I can't get my years with the children back, but you have so many of yours stilll ahead of you. And they will be oh so much more wonderful without cigarettes.

    You are indeed doing FAB

    Sue

    x

  • I agree that its not ideal etc but it is not going to do anyone any good to brood over the past. It's very easy looking back from atop the pedestal of health and cleanliness at your formal selves but you are still the same person, just made a different choice that's all.

    None of us are lepers or evil devil demon types, we just chose to smoke back in the day for whatever reason.

    I love the line from here-we-go "If I bought into guilt as a valid/helpful emotion, I'd be stufffed. "

    Be kind to yoursleves and look at the present and in to the future. why make yourself unhappy?

  • I don't think any of us are making ourselves unhappy about it. But it doesn't do any harm to look back at what you were and compare it to what you are now. It helps to keep you on track when you wobble.

  • no doubt hels. I just think there is too much for you guys to be proud of to waste your time looking in the rear view mirror.

    smell your hands. nice eh?

  • well said karri - smoking doesn't make you a bad parent. Just a smelly one.

  • Hellsbells - well said, I was also clinging onto that little bit of me, the one that had a career, friends and time to party.

    Thanks all for your support, input and honesty. It's amazing what we have all done in the past because we thought we needed a cigarette.

    Well day 11 for me and still going strong, hardly using the e-cigarette but it's there if I need a pacifier.

    Well done to you all for quitting. Here's to the future, good health and smelling fresh.

    Annie x

  • I was too busy smoking to have any kids!

    Mx

  • Very funny mash...LOL!.

    Personally, I do think of myself as a bad parent for smoking when I had a kiddie. It helps me with my quit. I smoked whilst pregnant....I think the documentation about the effects of smoking in pregnancy is well established. Kids who see their parents smoke are more likely to take up the habit themselves and there's also passive smoking. I always smoked outside but apparently you can still give off smelly toxic fumes for a while after having had a cigarette and kids can still breathe it in. Don't get me wrong...I'm not wracked with guilt all the time and not able to move on but there is some regret there....I have learn't from my mistake and remembering my mistake and realising what a fool I was helps me stay quit. This is all just a personal experience and what helps me doesn't help others.

    We're all wonderful for quitting and a little reminder doesn't hurt now and again however that smoking door has now been shut and there is no turning back.

    Lisa xx

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