That's right sick, sick, sick. I felt sick, had no get up and go (unless of course I needed to go outside for a fag). I planned everything in my life around smoking. The dog needed to go out because I needed to sneak off for a cigarette, or she needed to go out so I had one. The children were constantly being told to stay inside with daddy while I just opened/closed the greenhouse door or put something in the bin. What a nightmare if the children were playing outside, having to crouch behind the car while keeping ears and eyes peeled incase one of them came near. Taking 3 of them back to the UK to visit family on my own was a nightmare of a journey. Even booked us in a caravan, so that when they were in bed, I could sneak out for a cigarette (you can't do that so easily in a hotel room). Although a week at the seaside was wonderful and the children had a great time it was planned around my addiction.
Hearing that children whose parents smoke are more likely to take it up themselves is the reason that I have been sneaking around. Convinced myself that as log as they didn't catch me, I was doing them no harm. No harm my arse. A mother who is grouchy and pissed off with her children because they want/need a little attention, just as she was about to go for a cigarette is harm. A mother who snaps at them for no good reason, other than nicotine withdrawal is not a good mother. A woman who ums and aahhs about going somewhere with has husband and/or children because she is trying to work out if it will fit in with her need to have a cigarette is not a good wife and mother.
Rant over, am getting quite cross with myself now.
Here's the good bit, not had a cigarette for 8 days now. Today I said to my children "who wants to go outside with me, it's a lovely day?". The cries of "me, me, me", "me want go outside" (That's my 2 year old) and "I do, I do" from them was lovely. We walked the dog, collected apples, then I did some gardening while they played. Later I was making the Sunday dinner and instead of sneaking out on my own to get some green beans and carrots from the veg patch, I took my daughter with me to help.
They are not a hinderance, they are my children, I love them and I want to be around for them. I am no spring chicken and my oldest child is only 8. I need to do whatever I can to be around as long as possible.
So cigarettes, let's say goodbye and good riddence