moments from my smoking past i regret

shooo ing my kids away to play in there room so i could smoke

hiding in monkey world from my kids to have a precious fag

continually risking my health with every cigarette and having no regard for the upset i would cause if i got a self inflicted illness

making my heart beat at 100 bpm for the last few months before i quit

rushing around days out and not enjoying them because i couldnt wait to get home to smoke

missing out on so many oppertunities for me and the children because i knew i couldnt smoke so didnt go

smoking through my pregnancies [one of my biggest regrets and hard to admit] that one puts tears in my eyes as i write it now

driving home with little regard for my passengers or fellow road users so i could smoke sooner

spending money i didnt have on fags/baccy

for polluting the air around me everytime i smoked [didnt realise how far my pollution reached till i quit]

for having a right smelly gone off ashtray aroma around me at all times

for hanging out my bathroom window to smoke while my mum and kids was downstairs then going through the palava of having a shower and spraying loads of deodorant around to cover up my dirty habit

for not kissing my daughter when she wanted a kiss if i had recently smoked and was worried she smell it and suss me out

i am sorry to my fingers for pouring neat bleach on them and scrubbing them with an abraisive sponge to get rid of my yellow tell tale fingers

and just for being a complete idiot for 24 years

but most of these regrets can be put right and i have so much extra time now to make it up to everyone as i dont need to waste hours at my back door smoking

boo

13 Replies

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  • Hi Boo,

    Its amazing how sneaky being a smoker makes you isn't it. That and the fact that you are constantly working out where and when you can have your next one.

    You are free from that now Boo and a huge hug for doing it :D

    G x

  • Hi boo, it does make you do things that we are not proud of, I know I am very upset with myself for the things I did just to have a quick smoke.

    Tobacco is an evil drug, and I am determined never to let it in my life again.

    Love Joan x

  • I identify with so much of that!

    Here's to NEVER NEVER NEVER going back down that road again.

    ((hugs))

    H

  • That's such a good post, i've done all the sneaky smoking too - horrible when I think back :o but that's what addiction did to us...

    Denise,

    Going slightly deranged but still smokefree :D

  • Hi Boo,

    At least you had the wherewithal to attempt to hide it from the kids, and made very decent attempts not to infest them with the smoke. I for one cannot say I even bothered to hide, and didn't feel concerned about it until after I quit and realized what I had done. I even used to smoke in the car with the kids in the back :mad:

    Alex.

  • Hi Boo,

    At least you had the wherewithal to attempt to hide it from the kids, and made very decent attempts not to infest them with the smoke. I for one cannot say I even bothered to hide, and didn't feel concerned about it until after I quit and realized what I had done. I even used to smoke in the car with the kids in the back :mad:

    Alex.

    hey alex to have i smoked in my car with my two youngest because they were not old enough to talk and grass me up but not with my 11 year old as i hid it from her my god it such a powerful addition made us do such awful things

    also another thing i should add to my list is my youngest two children saw me smoking at the back door all the time but because they didnt talk or understand that was fine [fine in my smoking mind that is] but i remember thinking i only have about two years left before they will be able to say yes mummy smokes and i remember planning senario's so i could still fit in a sneaky fag in grrrr i make myself mad thinking about it now

    boo

  • Smoking is so glamorous!

    especially in a wheelchair with yellow stains in your hair and an oxygen cylinder for company. i bet your all glad you can miss that look. I am. i want to die with both my legs on and really enjoying my last breaths. aaaahhhhh

    mx

  • Smoking is so glamorous!

    especially in a wheelchair with yellow stains in your hair and an oxygen cylinder for company. i bet your all glad you can miss that look. I am. i want to die with both my legs on and really enjoying my last breaths. aaaahhhhh

    mx

    absolutely true mash when i get a bit of a wobbly moment i really drum into myself all the things on my list and the wanting soon passes

    i would have gone to literally any length to satisfy my habit and looking back its beyond ridulous how strong my addiction was

    lesson to anyone if i can do it anyone can a saying said many time but sooo true

    boo

  • Yep, done all that to, and I am not proud of myself, I think I just pushed it all to the back of my mind, but I have smoked in the car when my kids where little, smoked at the dinner table after a meal, not listened to my husband and daughters over the years that have all but been on there knees begging me to quit.

    And more often when I told them I had quit, I used to sneak away and smoke

    feeling bad with all the praise they where giving me .

    I don't really need to go on, I will have to live with the guilt and hope and pray I have come to my senses now.

    Joan xx

  • the guilt does ease joan if you read my early posts i would be sobbing my heart out writing posts about the guilt towards my kids etc

    i now spend every waking moment with them take them everywhere i can afford to try and make up for lost time

    it helps and also use that guilt when you are having a wobble remember how smoking used to make you that strategy works for me puts everything in perspective again

    boo

  • Thank you Boo,

    One thing I am so glad about is neither of my two daughters have ever smoked, and it as always been there mission to help me stop smoking.

    It was a great post Boo, I think it as made us think.

    Love Joan xx

  • totally agree boo!! i felt so guilty for too long...i am now guilt free and enjoying it..all the best!

  • Worst thing for me is knowing how much time I have wasted smoking or planning smoking - it's time I'll never get back :( it took me forever to get here but at least I have - just sad it took me so long to realise that smoking was a bit of a dead end hobby!

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