Well this week was officially a nightmare, and I fell of the wagon.
First on Monday, SO was in hospital with chest pain, looks like a heart attack, but he is ok-ish now. His cholesterol is off the charts (he is not very overweight, carrying maybe an extra 15lbs), but has no thyroid gland so always struggles with this. He is back in on Monday to figure out the next step.
Second, on Tuesday, before the results were in, he decided it was stress living with me, and he wants to end it. Could be reactionary, but there have been problems there kind of like we have fallen out of love, and are just friends. Was devastated nonetheless.
Finally, I received a phone call this morning that my 8 month old niece was rushed to hospital unresponsive. They pulled her back, and have her on fluids and are trying to figure it all out, but seems she has an ear infection, chest infection, skin infection, throat infection and diarrhea. They are now looking at her immune system as she was never ill before and to suddenly come down with everything indicates a poorly immune system.
On top of all my health issues this year, stress of school, I just thought **** it. One of my friends took me outside of class as I was in tears, and I just grabbed one without thinking, then realized but thought why not and bought a pack. Idiot I know. So anyway, I am still freaking out over everything (literally having a giant anxiety attack, cannot stop crying for any length of time) and so, have decided to give myself until Monday (or before if I want) to give up again. Have several major exams on Monday so don't want to worry myself even more. Am very disappointed in myself, but equally it gave me the time out to calm down I needed (which is what I need to mentally deal with before jumping back in to my quit).
Essentially I am feeling very lost at sea right now, and have other things to worry about, but fully plan on getting back on the wagon.
Sorry to let everyone down - I was doing so well and nearly into month 6
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12 Replies
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You're going through some very tough times and I won't judge you. I know you're probably beating yourself up already anyway.
I am confident you'll be back and you'll quit again soon. Sort out what you have to sort out and then come back and start over. We will be here waiting for you with open arms.
Ohh im sooo sorry too read about how tuff life is for you at the moment, just do what you need too do and come back when you are ready doll, you dont need bashing from anyone off here youre getting enough already.
I am so sorry about the issues you have going on right now. I am sure that you will get back to quitting soon enough.
The only thing you need to worry about at the moment is making sure you look after yourself as well as worrying about your SO and niece. If that means putting your quit on the back burner for a few weeks then so be it.
Sorry to hear about all your troubles - hope they all sort out hun. Strange how everything seems to happen at once.
6 months is an awesome quit and if you did it once you can do it again.
You'll know if you want to quit or not again. If the times not right you're probably setting yourself up for failure which will just stress you out some more.
On the other hand if you're like me you might find after such a long quit smoking has lost its charm and you can't wait to get back to a quit!!!
So sorry to hear about what you are going through. But several of us have been there - I broke a six month quit and like Jo, realised that it wasn't the answer to anything.
As soon as you feel ready, jump back in the water again. We will all be here to support you.
Ohh im sooo sorry too read about how tuff life is for you at the moment, just do what you need too do and come back when you are ready doll, you dont need bashing from anyone off here youre getting enough already.
Totally agree with that..we give ourselves a hard enough time without anyone else jumping on the band wagon!
Really sorry to hear your bad news..i hope everything sorts itself out and you can put the fags down again God knows that's hard enough without what you are dealing with x
Sorry to read abut the shit that has happened. Hopefully all the patients will recover well and soon.
Sorry to let everyone down - I was doing so well and nearly into month 6
You haven't let anyone here down...not in the least. When you get back up and start your quitting again those 6 months will act as a tremendous spur making things a lot easier for you to go through.
Genes, don't be hard on yourself, I've seen quits broken for significantly less than you've been going through! I'm so sorry to hear that you're so crushed by troubles at the moment. Life can be really cruel sometimes.
As others have said, having had one good solid quit you KNOW you can do this and you'll be able to start your next quit when you're ready, armed with all the knowledge and experience you've gained from this one.
I really hope your family members get well soon, and am sending you lots of positive thoughts - stay strong. Hope to see you climbing back on the wagon again soon.
Sometimes, life just has a way of sabotaging the best plans, and this seems to be the case for you right now, Genes. You have all my sympathy, because it sounds truly horrible.
As others have said - do what feels right for you in terms of when and how you approach your quit. You know that you will have our support on here, and I sincerely hope that you have sufficient support in your "real world" as well.
Thank you everyone for your responses, it truly has been one of those weeks!
On top of everything, yesterday the mother of his 17 year old called and told him to pick his son up, she was done. Not sure what precipitated it, but she is certifiable (and not just saying that - she has been!). So, we now have a 17 year, who is a year behind in school as never monitored (his mom refused to allow us contact with him for 4 years!). His school is an hour away, and we have the other 4 kids, so now way we can get him there. No point changing schools at this point in the year either, so we are at a loss. SO will call school tomorrow and try and work something out, and we are talking to a mechanic friend and the site manager on the building project next door about him working there through the summer - we shall see.
I really wonder if someone is testing me? We are in the process of moving, SO tells me he does not love me anymore, we get an extra kid in our house with just a trash bag of clothes and I have exam after exam at school - what next?!
On the positive side, my niece has responded well to the meds and is eating again, so hopefully on the mend. Also having a 17 year old about does help with some of the organisation so I may have a babysitter for Friday when I had planned my first night out with friends in a year and then SO called out of town. Not sure what to call SO now as he dumped me lol
Tomorrow is the new quit date, and feeling ready - already noticed the annoying cough and breathlessness after a few days, so that is my incentive!
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Well this week was officially a nightmare, and I fell of the wagon.
TAKING IT ONE DAY AT A TIME! ;)
Day one nearly over!!
