Feeling all alone

When I started out on my journey to quit smoking, I felt all alone. I was one of just a few people I knew who seriously decided to pack in the cigarettes, despite the fact that I enjoyed them so much. A few friends of mine had tried to quit before and had successfully failed, proving the point that "once a smoker, always a smoker". I was happy to see that they made an attempt to break from the mould, secretly hoping that it wouldn't last for long, and rejoiced even more when I saw them coming back to the smoking room, sheepishly holding their heads down, ashamed of their feeble attempts at not lighting the next one... And yet inside, they (and I) were secretly happy that they were once again a member of the "gang", knowing that quitting was just a silly game we all played from time to time... A bit like playing the lottery, knowing that none of us would ever win, and conveniently forgetting that some of us could lose, big time.

I'm not new to quitting, but I am new to thinking about smoking and the damage it can cause. Like many, I have this built-in sense of invincibility. I can smoke, and drink, and eat, and party, and nothing will ever happen to me. I can abuse my body as much as I like, because I'm generally fit, and nothing ever happens to people who feel like they're in good shape.

And so what? What am I trying to prove? That I can smoke 20, 40, 60 a day and not feel bad about it? That I don't have any signs of body decay, despite being almost 50 years old?

The next one is not going to harm me any more than the damage I have already done. A few weeks from now I will stop. If I suffer a stroke, I will quit. This whole addiction thing can be beaten... I am stronger than that.

I will be the one person who conquers the addiction.

And so I join a quit smoking site, and soon realize that we are all suffering... together. I start to understand why quitting is so difficult, and why the ones who tried and failed are reluctantly happy to re-join the ranks of the smokers. The head-hanging in shame only lasts a short while, and within moments, all attempts to break rank are forgotten, but more importantly forgiven!

It is easier to fail and be forgiven than to break rank and stand up on your own two feet!

So what happened?

I broke rank.

I came to a point when I realized that people who never smoked, or at least those who never got into smoking, just don't even think about smoking, stopping smoking, buying cigarettes, having a supply, stashing enough money aside, worrying about extinguishing the damned things before they leave home, replacing burnt clothing, the effect of smoking on their children and their pets, worrying about their health.... [insert your smoking worries here]

I don't want to have to care about such things. I want my life - the rest of it, at least - to be as carefree as someone who never smoked in the first place. I want to not know what the fuss about smoking is all about. After all, it's only a "big thing" because we got into it in the first place.

I think that if I had never started, I wouldn't need to be spending my time pondering the choices I could have / should have taken earlier in my life.

Perhaps it's all just a case of "If only I knew then what I know now."

Alex.

15 Replies

oldestnewest
  • Alex

    There are going to be so many of us on here that know precisely what you are saying and what you mean.

    The good thing is we are not alone. As someone famous once said " were all in it together" OK perhaps not the best example as hes a bit of an idiot. Anyway yes we are all in it together and thanks to the forum we dont need to feel alone.

    I have done in the past 13 years without a single cig. and believe me you do get to the point where it does not enter into your head to smoke. It becomes normal not to smoke. But alas you are a smoker and always will be. You must be on your guard at all times or you will be back here again like me.

    If we had hindsight we would all probably be millionaires by now.

  • Well put you two - I do know exactly how you both feel and I agree. Onward and upward :D

  • Alex

    There are going to be so many of us on here that know precisely what you are saying and what you mean.

    .

    Another one exactly the same. I used to wonder what non smokers and non drinkers died of.

  • absolutely relate to so much in your post especially the part about smokers quitting for a while then coming back i was always so chuffed they had returned to the smoking fold it made it ok for me and if they lasted a long time i looked at them to see if they were gaining weight and if they were i knew it was highly likely they would be returning soon and nine time out of ten they did

    i see i all for wat it is now thankfully

    boo

  • I came to a point when I realized that people who never smoked, or at least those who never got into smoking, just don't even think about smoking, stopping smoking, buying cigarettes, having a supply, stashing enough money aside, worrying about extinguishing the damned things before they leave home, replacing burnt clothing, the effect of smoking on their children and their pets, worrying about their health.... [insert your smoking worries here]

    I can really relate to this post, I'm so angry with myself that I kept making excuses & putting off giving up smoking - I'm only a couple of years off 50 so how long could I put it off for!!

    So glad that i'm in the right mind set this time, this time there is no way i'm going back.

    Denise - now saved £196 :D

  • Yep, we can all relate to the OP on this one.

    I think it was called Stinkin' Thinkin' or something. I'm glad we've all chosen to quit, however.

  • hi alex ..you are never alone on this site ..there is always some one here to help you// they helped me so i hope i can help you to ..i took it one day at a time.or if you like take it one hour at a time,,every hour you reach you are getting nearer to you goal..so like i say keep the FAITH tonyx..ps be strong you dont smoke,again you dont smoke:go from this:mad::(:rolleyes:::D..still kepping the faith tonyx

  • Great post Alex. The thinking we are invincible part scares me the most. Im sure we all said as a smoker that if i dont die of this it will be something else. That is such a bad attitude to have looking back and that we all never really thought too deep about it, because at that moment when smoking and the thoughts of death, illness, etc came into it our shutters would come up. We would perhaps make another brew, banish them thoughts and perhaps smoke another one just because! That for me is a far more lonely place to be.

  • i stumbled across this and so relate to it

    I also felt alone at the start, well that was until I came across this forum and with out everybody's support on here I really don't think I'd still be here:confused:

    I hope u find this threat as interesting as I did :D

  • Nice one Sian, a lot of Alex's post is shockingly familiar. :(

  • Oh how true is your post!! Well put Alex76...if only the text could be squeezed onto the side of a packet of cigs, I think it would be a wake up call for many who are still smoking with defiance ;)

  • Wow... I also can relate very well to this post. Thanks for bumping it up Sian, this really is worth the read. :)

    Love May x

  • Wow, it was two years ago since I posted this. Sorry for the self-indulgent bump, but if it can help anyone to relate, it is worth the while.

    Alex.

  • A truly inspiring post Alex. Thank you for bumping it and for popping in to see us.

    It's so helpful when 'old timers' return to reassure us that it can be done.

    How is life treating you these days? :)

  • A brilliant post Alex, there is lots of it that resonates with me, thankfully the decision we have made is the right one and we will all get there with sheer determinination and in my case no matter how many times it takes me it's better to keep trying rather than accepting I am a smoker and carrying on chuffing away..... the sense of achievement on finally quitting and being totally happy in the quit must be priceless, thanks for bumping :)

You may also like...