Never thought I'd post a desperation post, not sure what I want people to say, I don't even know what it's going to change. Maybe I just need to write my feelings down, I dunno.
I hate this feeling today has just been the most awful day, nothing too stressful going on or anything I have just had this overwhelming feeling I NEED to smoke, it just won't go away, I'm fighting, fighting with it. Doing everything that I see as advice, making a drink, going for a walk, chewing gum, looking on here and yet still there is this screaming in my head 'go on just have a fag...you can try again...it's not your time'
Then if this isn't the time then when will there be a right time, I just don't want to bloody smoke anymore but then I do and then I don't. I really am having a melt down.
For f sake I just need to get a grip but I can't it just seems that me as me is not me no more. OK I'm snappy and tetchy but have been each time I have tried to quit but this time I'm angry, really angry - maybe it's because I have said this is my forever quit as I'm sick and tired of being a serial quitter. I feel like crying but not with sadness with anger - but I don't know why I'm angry.
I am just losing the plot and having a meltdown - I just want someone to click their fingers and I live my life as though I have never smoked...that isn't going to happen I know. I read posts that it gets better but does it, when, I'm tired, fed up...do I want to go through life in fear, fear of cigarrettes. Gee wizz I listen to me I sound like a right mad cow, I can't help it.
I just can't cope everything just seems out of control...I constantly feel like a stuffed turnkey because I keep picking at sweets, and chocolate and biscuits...drink far to much water and fizzy crap so feel so bloated...jaw aching from chewing too much gum...I just seem like a quivering wreck I mean I can't even speak properly at times I just can't get my words out...my boss said what the hell is wrong with you...truth is I dunno