My mind battle

once upon a time i was a smoker.... I looked on smoking as something that was mine! i smoked because i wanted to smoke!..... I didnt question myself too indepth, i accepted that some people smoke. some people dont! ...I was a smoker and as far as i was concerned I would never give up... just the thought led me to despair. People i knew then who had given up smoking i remember thinking how brilliant and in complete awe of them i was.... and how great it would be if that person could be me. But it never will be me. Because i dont do quitting smoking. Its not meant i would tell myself. Is that brainwashing myself into believing it?...or a complete fear of not having any cigarettes the house for like just one day!! FEAR! arghhh! 1 day ...perish that thought.

Years later..... i decide right look im skint, got a couple of kids now...no job.... OH is working his backside off for us to survive.... I have to quit! ...... books myself into the friendly nhs quit place!..... get some nicorette gum! ..dangerous stuff if not used properly..... 2 years down the line i become in a situation where i am addicted to smoking & gum...yes the pesky smoking came back into it, just occasionally of course (NOT)but that is what i trained my mind to believe..."im not smoking much anymore now i use the gum" wrong wrong wrong!! ...this of course allowed me to have gum in situations i couldnt smoke. and smoke in situations i could! something wasnt right.....how many triggers & memories did i need to squash now!! so I bought the allen carr book in complete desperation...... i gave it a go! great book...inspired..... off i went! 2 days into quit, it wasnt a good place for me! got depressed and desperate... my OH begged me to get some gum or fags or something! i got both. a big box of yummy gum & 10 fags!! wow .....back to square one! except this moment was quite significant for me! it began my journey into learning more & more about smoking & quitting habits and addictions, ..... ...I decided firstly to stop the gum! i smoked for a few weeks? cant remember exactly..could have been a month? ...i booked myself into a NHS clinic again got very involved with this forum at that time and this time used patches! off to a good start ..did a whole 6months ...on holiday! boo hoo! deary me what a to do!

since then i have been stopping and starting smoking! buying patches etc etc!, joined the nhs service for the 3rd time in june! ...thought this was my time...stressful times and i blew it again after almost 4months.......... this time i am not using any NRT part from the inhalator in the cupboard at times of complete i am going to buy some fags now moments!! ..........not smoked since the anoon of the 11th september... so my full day was the 12th september! dates, times arent that great for me! but it good to remember the day i suppose! hoping its the last one you held a dirty fag to your mouth and deeply inhaled lots of poison

part of me wishes i had never began this journey because of the mind battle reasons...... anyone who has quit and failed on a number of occasions can tell you that no matter how much you try to reason with what youve done, why youve done it...and what you are about to do again!! that quitting smoking feeling never leaves you. At times its very hard.

Another part of me is glad i did begin this... its shows me a lot of things....It shows me how I can quit smoking............ i can be that person who dosnt smoke! ......... who never thought it!

Every time is right for me, every time i dont smoke is my time, is my quit!................ i can't look at failings anymore! its dosnt help me to think how many chances ive had! ....... it helps me to think how bloody brilliant i am doing for picking myself up....time after time! and getting back into something i once thought was impossible.

Some might say "hey up here she is again! lining herself up for another fall"...some might say "well done, your doing yourself proud" .......... others might think what an idiot i am for doing this pointless post.... ...It used to bother me what people thought! but now i couldnt give a monkeys, mostly because its my own quit journey and if my posts make any sense to anyone and can help! then for me that is worth 100 times more then my own petty ego.

..... The biggest point of this post is being "NEVER GIVE UP A GOOD QUIT" ...for what then? just to always have hold of the thought of not smoking...... holding onto the thought of WHEN should i make my next quit date for! ...ANY OFFERS!! ........................lesson to be learnt... if your about to break your quit! think of me, That should do it.

Be good everyone. god i enjoyed writing that, an extra long post sorry! Thanks for listening anyhows!:)

15 Replies

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  • that quitting smoking feeling never leaves you. At times its very hard.

    that feeling will leave you if you just give it enough time, time heals all.... it is hard but if you just stick with it then all will be well. You've struggled with this for so long, just stick with it, no matter what happens, don't give in again, and you'll be free and happy in no time. So yes, I agree, don't give up a good quit. Good luck.

  • ..... The biggest point of this post is being "NEVER GIVE UP A GOOD QUIT" .

    There is so much positivity about your post at the top of this thread and I think that it's really important that you should recognise that and take it on board. Yes, stopping smoking is/can be difficult and not all of us have that easy route sadly.

    Tenacity is what I think will get you through, it's got you this far and still continues to push you onwards. It's not just tenacity that I've noted but also resilience in taking the disappointment of a quit broken, dusting yourself down and getting back up onboard fairly shortly thereafter.

    These were qualities that I noticed Linda Spicer showed in doggedly pursuing her journey, not giving that single thought up....

    ...for what then?

    Keep on keepin' on,

    Cav

  • I read this late last night but wanted to think and reply.

    Once upon a time I was a smoker....

    Those words truly could apply and last. You've previously reached some impressive smokefree times and reaped the rewards both physically and financially. Dealing and managing ongoing times of stress and hardship is a process which also comes with time and practice for non smokers and ex smokers. Unfortunately, sadly, shite happens and it's bloody tough but non smokers manage it and we as ex smokers have to adapt and find new ways through those times. Not always easy but not impossible

    Another part of me is glad i did begin this... its shows me a lot of things....It shows me how I can quit smoking............ i can be that person who doesn't smoke! .........

    it helps me to think how bloody brilliant i am doing for picking myself up....time after time! and getting back into something i once thought was impossible.

    It's far better to pick yourself up and continue to try. You have an amazing capacity to start over and fight on.

    You have the strength to become that ex smoker.

    ..... The biggest point of this post is being "NEVER GIVE UP A GOOD QUIT"...

    I agree, it's what keeps me going. I'm not sure I could pick up the pcs and start over and repeat that process again and again. The dread of not going back 'there' keeps me moving forward and holding on to my quit.

    Sincerely, I wish you and all those that struggle to hold a quit all the best.

  • Some might say "hey up here she is again! lining herself up for another fall"...some might say "well done, your doing yourself proud" .......... others might think what an idiot i am for doing this pointless post.... ...It used to bother me what people thought! but now i couldnt give a monkeys, mostly because its my own quit journey and if my posts make any sense to anyone and can help! then for me that is worth 100 times more then my own petty ego.

    Be good everyone. god i enjoyed writing that, an extra long post sorry!

    For the record KK, I am in the camp that really admires the fact that you have picked yourself up so quickly. When I have started smoking again in the past, it has been in the absolute knowledge that it will be several years before I try again (six years last time....). I am now trying to use my pathological fear of the early stages of quitting to stop myself from any more lapses.

    I really hope that you are able to find a way that works for you.

  • Feel very overwhelmed.

    Bella,Cav, and Pol. I know we havent always been watching the same TV set in the past.if you like!.... but I truly thank you for such positive remarks and replies to my post. Its helped whats been said, and its made me feel good inside about my quit journey, perhaps not the most conventional one..... its just taking a bit longer then others i suppose. But i know I will get there eventually.... Thanks :)

    Una G, glad you liked the post.... its good to see your quit is going well! Im good today thanks, the furthest thing from my mind today is smoking a cigarette. But Tomorrow is a different day, who knows? i could want one all day?? i may not want one at all!! I think sometimes because its so unpredicable with what the day might bring, that is the unsettling part on quitting, but from reading the longer term quitters posts, it gives me hope that the unsettlement goes in time and that I will get some kind of even feeling going on inside me eventually... whatever it takes hey :)

    Mrs T, well done on your quit too, it is hard getting back into it after fails, I admire you for that. The thought of going back to the beginning does scare me! but it didnt stop me..... maybe i will work on that a bit more in my mind! ....thanks for that!

    For now Im Just Keeping the money tree growing ;)

  • thanks , i can truely relate to what you describe:)

  • Kitkat

    I admire your tenacity! I can see the post was written with passion and understanding about yourself and the addiction.

    "DONT GIVE UP A GOOD QUIT" has just saved my "Bacon" I was sitting at my desk a little depressed cause my wife lost her quit, and one of my smoking buddies "outa habbit" stuck his head in my office and said lets go for a smoke.

    I thought to my self WTF it's 28 days I am not in the mood for this BS f@#ck it i am gonna have a smoke, but then low and behold I stumble onto this post!

    TY you have helped someone, you just helped ME!

    I WILL NOT GIVE UP MY GOOD QUIT!!!!

  • WEll kitkat youve trully blown me away and strengenthed a really good quit. not sure what'',that quitting smoking feeling never leaves you, '' means . I know it strikes a chord deep inside me somewhere and maybe thats all i need to know.

    Mash x

  • I feel humbled at the moment! thanks for replies :)

    Thanks jason for sticking to it advice!

    Daizy..glad you can relate to my post!

    Garybaker... Feel very amazed that i saved you from smoking! ..that is good work! Think you already knew you didnt want to! perhaps the post just reinforced what you already thought!

    Hi Mash. glad you like post.... what i meant was that quitting smoking never really leaves you! just from my own experience ...every fail dosnt make you want to throw in the towel completely! somewhere lurking in your mind is thinking of the next time! ..and it never leaves you! like a unsettlement inside.

    No one will want that feeling...so dont eff up your quits!

    For my own record of achievement(because i like to let people know..especially the smug long term quitters on here :p;) ) ive stayed right on the non smoking side of the train since that day in september!

    Listen to more then what your thinking motto of the day!

    Good luck everyone

  • Kitkat

    I read your post with heartfelt sympathy, it took me 4 efforts to get here, and I know you can do it.

    Your head seems in a good place at present and perhaps you can try and carry those thoughts through the bad times, I do know easier said than done.

    Like many others I always promised myself I could smoke tomorrow if things were still really bad, very hard, but having got to tomorrow I then said no until the next day, its how I got through the first 9 months, literally one day at a time, that and this forum, which of course is brilliant and a great support.

    Keep at it please, you are doing so well.

    Dee

  • Thank you Dee, what a nice reply :) good tip of thinking of the next day if a bad day comes.

    I will keep on, coz i dont know how else not too now! its like part of my life. However daft that sounds! dont think ill be rushing back to a 4quid a day habit!!

  • Brill post

    Thanks for the post KitKat...I know where you're coming from. Tried to quit a fair few times over 17 years and ended up smoking and on patches at one point (patch through the day at work then took patch off and smoked during the evening/night). Like Mrs T. I seem to forget my giving up feeling for a while (but I'm sure it's lurking around til the next time). It took me two more years to attempt this quit....thanks for a fabulous post...cos this quit feels like a good un and I'm not gonna blow it. Wishing the same for you...Lisa XXXX

  • Hey KK

    This is probably the strongest and most focused you've ever sounded about a quit and it's given me a warm fuzzy feeling :D but you know I don't like bigging you up too much so that's it !!

    Just one day at a time matey and you can be a smug long term quitter just like me :p

    Always proud of you.

    Pooks xxx

  • For my own record of achievement(because i like to let people know..especially the smug long term quitters on here :p;) ) ive stayed right on the non smoking side of the train since that day in september!

    Great stuff, KK :cool:

    This time mind and don't get off the train too early...

    Cav

    fc03.deviantart.net/fs71/f/...

  • Hi Lisa, best of luck to us both! glad that you can get me on what ive said. Makes me feel better too! ..thanks for reply

    Ah Pookies! ..hahaha! thank you so much for post! made me smile a lot :) just added a picture for you as only friends would with it being halloween!! ....i know how you like clowns and all that!:eek:

    5908

    Thanks Cav! a smug cat, how thoughtful;).... The train isnt leaving me behind this time! whatever it takes!

    5909

    I am now officially very jealous of all this smugness! .......... sometime soon the smugness will be mine all mine mhaaahaaa! :D

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