once upon a time i was a smoker.... I looked on smoking as something that was mine! i smoked because i wanted to smoke!..... I didnt question myself too indepth, i accepted that some people smoke. some people dont! ...I was a smoker and as far as i was concerned I would never give up... just the thought led me to despair. People i knew then who had given up smoking i remember thinking how brilliant and in complete awe of them i was.... and how great it would be if that person could be me. But it never will be me. Because i dont do quitting smoking. Its not meant i would tell myself. Is that brainwashing myself into believing it?...or a complete fear of not having any cigarettes the house for like just one day!! FEAR! arghhh! 1 day ...perish that thought.
Years later..... i decide right look im skint, got a couple of kids now...no job.... OH is working his backside off for us to survive.... I have to quit! ...... books myself into the friendly nhs quit place!..... get some nicorette gum! ..dangerous stuff if not used properly..... 2 years down the line i become in a situation where i am addicted to smoking & gum...yes the pesky smoking came back into it, just occasionally of course (NOT)but that is what i trained my mind to believe..."im not smoking much anymore now i use the gum" wrong wrong wrong!! ...this of course allowed me to have gum in situations i couldnt smoke. and smoke in situations i could! something wasnt right.....how many triggers & memories did i need to squash now!! so I bought the allen carr book in complete desperation...... i gave it a go! great book...inspired..... off i went! 2 days into quit, it wasnt a good place for me! got depressed and desperate... my OH begged me to get some gum or fags or something! i got both. a big box of yummy gum & 10 fags!! wow .....back to square one! except this moment was quite significant for me! it began my journey into learning more & more about smoking & quitting habits and addictions, ..... ...I decided firstly to stop the gum! i smoked for a few weeks? cant remember exactly..could have been a month? ...i booked myself into a NHS clinic again got very involved with this forum at that time and this time used patches! off to a good start ..did a whole 6months ...on holiday! boo hoo! deary me what a to do!
since then i have been stopping and starting smoking! buying patches etc etc!, joined the nhs service for the 3rd time in june! ...thought this was my time...stressful times and i blew it again after almost 4months.......... this time i am not using any NRT part from the inhalator in the cupboard at times of complete i am going to buy some fags now moments!! ..........not smoked since the anoon of the 11th september... so my full day was the 12th september! dates, times arent that great for me! but it good to remember the day i suppose! hoping its the last one you held a dirty fag to your mouth and deeply inhaled lots of poison
part of me wishes i had never began this journey because of the mind battle reasons...... anyone who has quit and failed on a number of occasions can tell you that no matter how much you try to reason with what youve done, why youve done it...and what you are about to do again!! that quitting smoking feeling never leaves you. At times its very hard.
Another part of me is glad i did begin this... its shows me a lot of things....It shows me how I can quit smoking............ i can be that person who dosnt smoke! ......... who never thought it!
Every time is right for me, every time i dont smoke is my time, is my quit!................ i can't look at failings anymore! its dosnt help me to think how many chances ive had! ....... it helps me to think how bloody brilliant i am doing for picking myself up....time after time! and getting back into something i once thought was impossible.
Some might say "hey up here she is again! lining herself up for another fall"...some might say "well done, your doing yourself proud" .......... others might think what an idiot i am for doing this pointless post.... ...It used to bother me what people thought! but now i couldnt give a monkeys, mostly because its my own quit journey and if my posts make any sense to anyone and can help! then for me that is worth 100 times more then my own petty ego.
..... The biggest point of this post is being "NEVER GIVE UP A GOOD QUIT" ...for what then? just to always have hold of the thought of not smoking...... holding onto the thought of WHEN should i make my next quit date for! ...ANY OFFERS!! ........................lesson to be learnt... if your about to break your quit! think of me, That should do it.
Be good everyone. god i enjoyed writing that, an extra long post sorry! Thanks for listening anyhows!