Diary of a quitter- Day 27

Today I actually had to count on my fingers to work out how many days it's been since I last smoked. In the grand context of life, the universe and everything, I suppose that's a good thing.

I can't really get too excited about it though on account of getting the bejeezus scared out of me and having to shell out for a new window.

The reason, my son's cuddly toys are possessed.

A little background may be in order here. I'm doing up my boy's bedroom this week. Lots of building and whacking stuff with hammers (see diary of a quitter day 23) is occurring, consequently all of his stuff had to be shifted out of his room.

As fate would have it, the spare bed, in the spare room (which is directly underneath my bedroom), ended up as the destination for all his soft toys, of which there are about a bajillion. It looked like a morbid pile of limbs and body parts from cartoon land, a buzz-light year leg sticking out here, a whinnie-the-poo arm there, and a variety of heads and faces all with rictus-like grins that watch you wherever you go.

What yours truly failed to take into consideration, is that many of these 'alleged' toys have batteries in them, and the reason they have batteries is because they speak when certain squishy parts are pressed, or arms twisted etc..

Fast forward to two nights ago. Was in bed with Mrs H watching T.V and thinking about turning out the light when we hear a voice from downstairs. With the benefit of hindsight I think it said "To infinty, and beyond"! Although at the time I heard "Let's murder them in cold blood and steal all their jewelry"! This was closely followed by another, altogether more sinister voice proclaiming "Thuffering Thuckertash"!' Or it could have been "Let's take them hostage and make a ransom note by cutting letters out of a newspaper"!

It's burglars. What else could it be?

Long story short, muggins is sent to investigate by Mrs H. Clad only in a pair of tightie-whities, but armed with a massive golf club, I creep downstairs and pause briefly outside the door to spare room before bursting in with a blood-curdling yell.

With surgical precision I decapitate Iggle-Piggle using only a number 5 wood. His head flies across the room with such force it puts a huge crack in the window. Bruce 'Hodges' Lee is far too busy to notice that though, on account of being busy beating the crap out of Ernie from Sesame street with Bagpuss. It wasn't until I had Great Uncle Bulgaria in a vulcan death grip that I realised there actually might not be any burglars at all.

The moral of this story...Well there isn't one I guess, apart from perhaps cuddly toys are wimps and easy to beat up, and it sure as hell takes your mind of the cravings.

onwards and upwards

5 Replies

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  • Completely fabulous!

    I am off to bed to dream of disgruntled Iggle Piggles and Winnies the Poo!

    Hope all went well for Mrs Hodges the other day.

  • You do realise that Iggle Piggle is a member of this forum? I have a mental image of his poor decapitated body lying in an ever-widening pool of gore. Well, at least he definitely won't smoke again.

    Mwah ha ha haaaahhhh...

    Do you write for a living, Hodge? Because if you don't, you should.

  • You do realise that Iggle Piggle is a member of this forum? I have a mental image of his poor decapitated body lying in an ever-widening pool of gore. Well, at least he definitely won't smoke again.

    Mwah ha ha haaaahhhh...

    Do you write for a living, Hodge? Because if you don't, you should.

    I second that emotion! At least Hodges didn't use a putter, and, as my Irish chums would say, I'm good for the craic, so a cracked window is neither here nor there. Least I know where the headache came from. And there was me, blaming the Champix! Just had a brilliant thought! It's Budget Day, and for the first time in 50 years, I really could not care less how much the weed has increased in price!

  • Budget day in Canada as well and I also could care less if or how much cigarettes are increasing.

    Another benfefit I never even thought about. Thanks Iggle.

  • Do you write for a living, Hodge? Because if you don't, you should.

    Thirded :D

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