Ive been betrayed PART 2 HELP

Hi

So my previous post was regarding to me and my partner quitting smoking cold turkey when I was 19 weeks pregnant (Im 31 weeks now) so we quit 3 months ago.

Anyway I caught him out wednesday just gone having 3 drags on a butt end I meant to have binned, he had recieved some bad news and caved and had. Feeling guilty he promised he wouldnt have any more and was still quitting because he didnt want to smoke.

Last night he was at band (his hobby) and when he came home I could smell smoke I went straight to his car and sure enough there was that familiar smell. He kept lying to me saying he hadnt smoked but I told him to give me some credit as I really am not stupid and just to come clean, still he lied.

I broke down in tears that he was lying (more now than what he had actually done) and then he confessed to smoking one in the car the previous night, thursday. He told me he bought a pack of 10 smoked 1, felt guilty and threw the rest away out the car window.

I now know he's smoking again even if its 1 a day he's smoking, he's lied to me about it when I thought we had an honest relationship, and I dont think he binned the pack at all on Thursday which is why I think he still smoked yesterday because his car stank like it was fresh (not from the previous day) and so he is still lying about that.

We argued all last night and this morning with me in hysterics and crying because I quit too and because Im pregnant its harder for me. He can smoke and only damage himself.

I am so upset now at the fact he was sneaky and lied about it and he seems kind of sorry but in other ways trying to blame it on bad news he had weds etc but when I turned it around saying I get stressed with the kids, work etc I dont go light up he knew he couldnt argue back.

He bought me flowers (as if that would make it alright) and has said sorry but him being out today I do in my heart of hearts know he will smoke even though he says I wont because I dont want to, and regardless of if I smell it or not he will deny it because he prooved last night he is capable of lying to me.

Ive told him I know he will smoke and rather than lie to just be honest and tell me because although Im still annoyed with him smoking again the lying and sneaking hurt me so much more that I asked him to just go do what he wants smoke but to tell me and be honest. He just keeps saying but I wont because I dont want to (which he said weds and then went and did it)!

I dont know what to do. I know I cant make him stop smoking if he is going to start again which I think he has, but how can I get him to be honest about it rather than lie to my face????

Help, anyone?

7 Replies

oldestnewest
  • Hi Babe I am sorry you are being told a load of bull sh*& especially when you know he is lying to you, that’s the worst of it not the fact that he is smoking as you said just his total disregard for how he is making you feel which is pretty bad as far as I can see.

    Sit him down and explain that although it’s not a life or death situation he is lying about, it still kills the trust you have always had between you, also tell him if he must smoke then to do it outside not in your car as it means you are still getting second hand smoke and that’s not good for you or the baby.

    Also he is to respect the fact that to you the smell of smoke is abhorrent and he needs to wash and brush so you can’t smell the stench.

    But most of all he has to be honest or you will not feel happy in your relationship because if he can lie to u about something as simple as this what else can he in the future feel it is ok lie about.

    Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr he has made me angry as u say you can’t smoke you have no choice and he is being selfish.

    You take care of number 1 and that’s all that’s important xx

    IF THAT DOES'NT WORK TELL HIM YOU WILL LEAVE HIM no only half meant that mmmmmmmmmmmmm ??????????

  • Hi hun-I really feel for you and can wholly understand why you are upset with your precious baby being born in the not too distant future. Your hurt is in the lie not the smoking so much ?

    I have to be honest here . married 35 years and the amount of times on so called previous quits I have thought no-one could smell the sneaky cig must run into double figures. Not proud of that at all -and I do believe I am an honest person. think there will be more like me .

    We have to in the end stop for ourselves if it is going to work . Others may disagree.So it seems that your oh isnt commited yet -and thinks perhaps that if he isnt smoking around you -that he isnt compromising the baby and your health.

    I wonder if you say to him -look have your crafty cig if you must until your 100 per cent commited -but never in the car and always outside.

    think when your wee bundle of joy arrives he will make that effort dont you?

    please dont fret about your relationship too much at the moment over this .

    being pregnant and hormonal makes us girls feel very vulnerable and I do so feel for you over this.

    your own quit is fantastic and a milestone I am at the moment aiming for :D

    good luck -this is just my own view mind :confused:

    xx

  • Totally agree with Skylark..... I can see how you may be very hormonal and emotional right now but your man is not sneaking around smoking and lying about it cause he's a bad guy..... nicotine addiction can make us do very stupid things and it does not necessarily reflect who we are..... I think the word 'betray' is way too strong..... if quitting smoking was easy, I assume most folks wouldn't smoke right now..... so give your guy some slack. I am sure he is guilt ridden and sorry but the hysterics you're giving him is so not gonna help him stay quit.

    In the end it has to be his decision to quit..... not because you guys are having a baby but because he simply does not want to be controlled by nicotine any longer. I hope this wasn't too harsh of a post..... I know the emotions that go with being pregnant but just want to help you see where he may be coming from.

    One more thing..... congrats on your 3 months. With all the changes you are going through, you tackled quitting nicotine, and that really is a huge accomplishment. Well done.

  • Hello,

    I'm sorry you are having a hard time of it, Ive been lurking around myself today as finding the quitting really really difficult at the moment.

    I also quit whilst pregnant, for the full 9 months, was very fortunate as I quickly found the smell and the act of smoking repulsive so had no desire to smoke.

    I also tried to get my partner to quit with me and like you was very upset when I found out he'd been finding it hard and had been occasionally smoking. You know what though, in hindsight it is not dangerous lying and I dont believe it means he is not to be trusted. You have a child growing inside you and raging hormones etc, he may feel a little overwhelmed and as you said he has had some bad news, whatever it may have been it has obviously affected him.

    People have to really want to quit, please try not to take his failure as a personal attack to you, he clearly loves you very much and doesn't want to give you any reason to feel pressure thats why he's hiding it. I know how hormones can make you feel like its the end of the world, but getting overly stressed is not good for you or the baby.

    I am sure when the time is right, he will be successful at quitting but quite simply you cannot make someone quit if they are not ready, as it is extremely difficult to do. It does not mean he doesn't care for you or the baby, remember he is addicted, even people with serious illness cant always quit.

    The most important thing is that baby is brought into a loving family and maybe your partner will find the strength he needs to kick the weed. Look after yourself and try to stay calm and relaxed, cigarettes are not worth spoiling your relationship!

    Shelly xx

  • Your chap doesn't have this baby growing in his tummy the same as you do, there is a certain absolute incentive for you to be quit from smoking, and you do very well to be considering your baby throughout all of this.

    Your OH is not trying to be deceptive I don't think, heaven knows he probably feels really really bad about it anyway, the life of the secret smoker is not really a happy one.. it carries alot of guilt, especially if you both made a no smoking pact at the same time.

    I would just try the calm chat about it approach though, if he will continue to smoke, that he makes sure he never smokes around you for sake of baby (and your quit!), but also at the same time that he packs plenty of mints and well, aftershave/deodorant too, so that it doesn't become an assault on your sense of smell when he gets home.

    When the big event of the birth happens though, he will need to consider one thing.. does he want to be constantly popping outside the hospital for a smoke while you are in the delivery area? I have had that experience myself, and i can definitely tell you that being a smoker is not fun while your missus is near the delivery time and in labour. Its horrible having an addiction make you choose to go out for a smoke, you don't want to and you hate having to excuse yourself too... especially to the duty nurse.

    Hang in there, i don't think there was any malice in this, yes he's handled it badly, (thats a male trait :) ), but there IS a reason you both made a baby in the first place.. concentrate on that and the love you have together.. you'll both be wonderful parents i'm sure!!

    J

  • Hi,

    My hubby quit 3 months after me. We both stayed quit for a good time. This is my final quit and I have been afraid to even consider going back. If I did I think i'd never have to strength to quit again. Anyway. My hubby had a sneaky one a while ago and I hit the roof. I felt more betrayed at that time than ever before in my life so I know where you are coming from.We had huge arguments and I hit the forum for some perspective. Here's my conclusion :

    By him smoking he was threatening my own quit. I doubted my own ability to stay quit. After all, on previous joint efforts when one caved, the other followed suit. And he broke a promise to me that we would stay quit and laugh at all those smoking losers together. We'd never be controlled by the addiction again.

    Once I got my head around it and listened to some sterling advice I came to the decision that:

    My quit is my quit. He can't shake my resolve.

    The time has to be right for him. I can't force a smoker to quit. He has to make his decision when he is ready.

    My checking him and smelling his clothes made him feel like a small child and he rebelled against that, causing arguments.

    My not trusting him and accepting that he had to it on his own terms caused mistrust elsewhere.

    I'm now a good few months down the line. He still smokes occasionally. In fact we've just been away with smoking friends and he smoked. I'm cool with it as long as its out of the way of our kids. I am stronger in my quit because of it and there are no more arguements, though I do quite enjoy catching him out sometimes!!

    Good luck.

    Fi x

  • tut :rolleyes: men ....no will power at all. Just kidding :D

    very frustrating for you indeed but one thing i hiave come to learn is that i am POWERLESS over what other people do. My oh would have an early sneaky puff bless him :D and he thought i didn't notice lol. of course i did and yes he lied to me about it too. Its just the curse of smoking, i know it's hard but if you can love him through it, it may just work. the times i've confronted him about it just makes him snappy and defensive and in turn critical about me! so yeah thats one to avoid lol.

    Try not to get upset, you need to be happy for your little growing babba. :)

You may also like...