Feeling like a ****!

I have spent the last few days examining why I smoked, not why I wanted to quit. Reasons for quitting were easy, it's the reasons I smoked that worried me more. And boy, were they emabarrassing! A couple of diary entries below... oh the shame!

12/11/10

Day One

Well, it’s nearly 11.15 at night, I’m on my 4th can of cider and a big bit of me is still thinking- irrationally and ridiculously- that I ‘should’ have ‘a fag’. All these little in-built phrases have dominated my life. Oh, I’m tired, ready for bed, just ‘have a quick fag first’- like that will help? Or that smoking is part of the process of sleep? Such nonsense. Hmmm. So many silly little parts of my life I’ve built smoking into, mythologicised it so it becomes a metaphore for relaxation, for fun, for secret chats (‘meet you at the smoking area’), I have woven a not very pleasant poison into so many of my daily habts. So, I already know I can survive perfectly well without a smoke, but can I, long term, get away from the childhood mythology of smoking which I still, at the tragically old age of 40 (even though it’s embarrassing) still cling to, adhere to, believe. Saddo! Smoking’s, like, really cool, like, yeah? Oh yes, I’m still that kid. Time to grow up? Scary man!

Another good one, oh, I’m tired, not had enough sleep and got to get bus in half hour- where are my clothes? Where are my fags? A smoke will help… Oh yes, of course that’s the answer, some smoke in my tired early morning lungs will really focus me! And mmmm the taste- just adding to that horrible early morning mouth feel, a nice fat fag. What strange lies we tell ourelves! Why? Even I, most die hard smoker, am well aware it tastes bloody horrible, especially before 8am.

14/11/09

Day Three

I’m into day three of a smokeless existance. I feel, for some reason, like I’m in mourning. For what? A bad taste in my mouth? The chance to drastically shorten my life? Huddling outside in the rain on nights out? It’s very hard to rationalise, and not nice to admit to, but the feeling of losing something is there none the less. Ridiculous, isn’t it? But, if I’m to kick this addiction once and for all, I have to be honest and face up to the truth of it. On my last quit attempts I was very moralistic, and totally- outwardly at least- unphased by the process. But that wasn’t honest was it? Now, admitting how ingrained a part of my life smoking has been, maybe I can tackle the mental issues of quitting and stay smoke free. That’s the grand idea anyway! But true honesty is so shaming, so demeaning. Who wants to admit they still think it makes them look cool to smoke? But that’s the truth- I’m one of the cool kids, one of the rebels. That’s me, Dee, smoking away and looking fabulous. Smelling like an old ashtray, but who cares? Well, that’s what’s changed- I do care. I’ve become embarressed by the smell of me. At work, talking to people, I’m aware of the stink of old fags clinging to me. I’m aware that my constant coughing is annoying because people see me then going out to smoke. I look like an idiot. I smell like shit. I’m prematurely aging. That’s the truth of the matter. That’s why I’ve had enough.

So, it’s the weekend, and it stretches ahead of me with little distraction, and a sense of feeling lost and adrift. Oh the drama!

Hmmm. Doesn't make for edifying reading does it? What an idiot! All these years, and what started me smoking is still what keeps me going back! I never realised it was a drug addiction, so maybe coming to terms with that will help. Sh*t people, I've laid myself on the line here! May need to have a lie down now...

18 Replies

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  • I think you are going to make it, Dee. You've got the right thinking for a quit...... Don't worry about morning the fags, missing them, thinking they are cool and all...... it is all normal stuff and part of a quit. It will fade into your past soon enough. Keep having those talks with yourself, distinguishing the whys and whats...... and if ever your justifications for quitting are not strong enough to battle the craves then you post here, okay!

    We've been told lies about smoking, we've made up plenty ourselves and it will take time to undo it all................... but you do see the truth...... I can hear it in your words and I believe you will make a strong quit!

    Well done!

  • Deedee,

    Those diary entries were excellent reads. Thanks for posting them...they made me resolve to not smoke again. But I'm a old hand at this game...although I've read on occasion those that have a long quit measured in years unfortunately can slip up...we can all waver on occasion. Your diary entries are a great affirmation to stay a none smoker.

    Cav

  • Hi Dee :D

    That made a great read thank you so much

    I think that has put into words how many of us feel or have felt about smoking and the addiction we all have to come to terms with at some point

    You did so very early in your quit and that will be a huge help to you if/when you hit a bad day

    Like Bella I think you have the right mind set for this quit so

    GO DEE GO onwards and upwards

    Love

    Marg xx

  • I am glad you made that post. Newbies need to read this stuff to get educated. Now, deedeebel, you need to move forward. We all have smoking in our past and that is where it will stay. Do not beat yourself for the past. Praise yourself for the present. I am not going to say forget the past, just do not dwell on it or beat yourself up for it. OK?

  • Cheers all. It is shameful really, the silly cr*p we tell ourselves, and admitting it is worse! But, feel much better getting it off my chest, and if it helps anyone else then it has to be worth it.

  • Thread title- too rude!!

    For those who didn't see the thread title before it was starred and are wondering what exactly I felt like... it wasn't so bad! The word is kind of like twit but with a different vowel! Just in case imaginations are working overtime! Apologies to whoever was offended by the bad word!! I shall be good in future and star myself!! :eek: Bad bad girl!!

  • For those who didn't see the thread title before it was starred and are wondering what exactly I felt like... it wasn't so bad! The word is kind of like twit but with a different vowel! Just in case imaginations are working overtime! Apologies to whoever was offended by the bad word!! I shall be good in future and star myself!! :eek: Bad bad girl!!

    why whats wrong with

    koolbadges.co.uk/images/thu...

  • You've laid out how you feel about smoking quite bluntly .. and you've for once been very honest with yourself about what smoking actually is to you. It really helps to get it into text on here.

    I doubt that there is many of us here who couldn't relate to the post you made in some ways.

    I think you'll do pretty well with this quit if you can keep on seeing smoking for what it was... lies.

    Good for you!

  • You've laid out how you feel about smoking quite bluntly .. and you've for once been very honest with yourself about what smoking actually is to you. It really helps to get it into text on here.

    I doubt that there is many of us here who couldn't relate to the post you made in some ways.

    I think you'll do pretty well with this quit if you can keep on seeing smoking for what it was... lies.

    Good for you!

    Lies indeed! I can't believe I fell for them for so long- but I wanted to! I wanted to believe them, because it gave me an excuse to keep on smoking. Doh.

    So, enough is enough (as some soul diva said), no more lies, no more smoke. 12 days and counting!

  • HI Dee, I'm nearly a month in and this time have been honest with myself about my addiction - as you have. Your diary jottings really touched a chord particularly the part where you felt you were in mourning. Keep strong and thank you for being so honest and sharing your thoughts with us.

    Hugs

    Soosyx

  • HI Dee, I'm nearly a month in and this time have been honest with myself about my addiction - as you have. Your diary jottings really touched a chord particularly the part where you felt you were in mourning. Keep strong and thank you for being so honest and sharing your thoughts with us.

    Hugs

    Soosyx

    Thanks Soozy. It wasn't fun posting it, but if it helps me (hell, it's in black and white now, I can't hide from it anymore!) then maybe it helps others. Honesty about addiction is hard, especially whe you realise the reasons that keep you doing it are so bleeding stupid! Doh. But hey, it's a powerful drug addiction, and the social and emotional parts of the addiction are mighty powerful too. Those of us who've smoked since we were kids, when we were trying to create an identity for ourselves, find it so hard to disentangle ourselves. Our 'identity' is so enmeshed with smoking- it's hard to rebuild an entire self! But, once you start, it's actually not so bad. It's taking those first steps that's difficult.

    Once you do that, it's ok really- maybe we discover a nicer person lurking under the smoky exterior? If not, we almost certainly discover a stronger one.

    Hope your quit is going well XX

  • Our 'identity' is so enmeshed with smoking- it's hard to rebuild an entire self! But, once you start, it's actually not so bad. It's taking those first steps that's difficult.

    Hey deedee..... so true what you say..... taking those first steps is way the hardest. I think I waited 2 years after my last failed attempt (lasted 3 months then) before I had the guts to try again. In the beginning it seemed so impossible to ever feel normal again, I remember..... You think you'll never have this new identity that is great with not smoking..... but it does happen, you just need to give it time and you can reinforce it by trying to understand your addiction and learn about it (this site's mantra 'knowledge is power'). The truth is, considering how many years we smoked, it takes almost no time at all in comparison to adapt to not smoking.............. I hope knowing that you are not all too far away from freedom will help you stay motivated and positive! You're doing great :) xx

  • Thanks for posting that!

    I remember feeling like that at the beginning of my last quit, I had a different mindset then, trying desperately to get in that 'zone' again. (managed 9 months then:()

    I remember acknowledging the demon and laughing in his face! I'd forgotten I felt like that and how good it was.

  • Hi Deedee

    I think that was very honest and brave of you. I felt exactly the same, and still do on occassions. I only said yesterday that I felt I was mourning an old friends passing, really miss him but can live without him.

    Keepgoing and I know you will get there.

    The other Dee xx

  • Wow!

    Fabulous heartfelt post babe!

    I read and cringed, but only because i identify with how much i identified with what you were saying.... If i knew that my rebellious cool nipping to the toilets at school all those years ago, would angst me so much in later life, would i have done it? If i'd have thought about the bad breath, cost, smell, off coloured fingers. Maybe not, if i'd have known how difficult it was to get off the stuff then probably not.

    All for the sake of being so individual, along with all of the rest of the individuals, trying desperately to be different, and being sheep all the same.

    Yours most Foolishly. :confused:

    xxx

  • After mentioning my mad diary in a couple of other posts I thought I'd re-read, as this is really what has changed for me this thime- being honest. I'm still mortified, but I'm still aware- I have not been 'seduced' again, it no longer looks cool, I no longer feel less 'cool' not smoking. Jeez, honesty hurts, but sometimes the tiniest bit can make the biggest difference!

    I've been reading the new folks posts, all so determined, and I really do believe that education and self honesty will be the key for those who succeed.

    I will continue to re-read my diary (you're very lucky I only gave you the first bits!!!) as it is my reason to stay quit. We all need our own truth to stay off this hideously addictive and stinking drug.

    May 2010 bring that freedom from addiction to all who desire it! TRUTH! That and a sneaky biscuit... :p

  • Hi Dee thanks for your diary entry which I have just read. I think for the newbies the most important part is that you through writing this realised what a lot of us don't.

    We are a drug addict and we have to admit that to ourself and everyone else before we will stop smoking.

    I'm Jack and I'm a nicotine addict

    Jack x

  • Thanks Deedee,

    What a brilliant post. I'm on Day 5 and really feel like I'm mourning something. I'd struggle to put it into words but you've done a fantastic job.

    Roz.

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