Day 18: Reflecting on day 17.. and the night from hell.

[nsd_user663_4990]

I don't know quite what to type about last night, the end of my day 17... it was probably the worst night ever. Other half was giving me stick over really really trivial stuff, and this was before i'd even eaten dinner. I tried to be reasonable, and further in when OH just would not give up on her 'making a point' type of conversation, i found myself actually thinking.. 'damn i would have stormed out for a smoke by now!!'.. and that thought stayed in my head for so long, i thought about how far the local co-op was, where my car keys were.. all crazy stuff that would only lead to one conclusion. I'd been here before on previous attempts to quit? and you know? Its always the same situation for me.. unsympathetic other half not giving a damn about whether i was on 18 days quit or 18 years.. just wanting to make their point heard.. many.. many times :/ Well, enough was enough last night, the point making showed no sign of letting up so rather than getting in my car, i went for a lie down and even though there was no way i would nod off, i figured it was far better than sitting in the same room taking that point making for the next hour.

I went without my dinner it was that bad.. my stomach was churning like heck.. and in honesty my blood was going on the boil... i was angry at the lack of even the most basic understanding and yes ofc there is more than i've typed here, i'll spare you that, but as its these outbursts that have led to me failing a quit and ending up smoking in the past. Sometimes you just look for an excuse.. any excuse.. and your out buying a packet without any guilt whatsoever.. until you've smoked one that is. :/

Well no. This has happened twice to me now, OH and a trivial argument being the cause of it.. i'm actually not giving in this time.. why should i give anyone else, whoever they are, and whatever their relationship to me the satisfaction of knowing that they got to me so much that i would give up an attempt to quit smoking.

Well i really did get >.< that close last night, i was really actually quite positive until 'the argument'.. and what made it worse was i had not done nothing to start it. Well anyway, the end of day came, i had not eaten dinner, even though one had been cooked for me.. i just couldn't bare to be in the same room as anyone who would push my buttons that hard and bring me so close to my breaking point, and i got in bed thinking.. well wasn't that a fantastic night :/

So although i feel i've sailed through the days just lately.. last night was probably the worst out of the entire last 17 days.

So here i am today.. on day 18.. and i still have no smoked. Not so much as one puff. The thought has been there.. but i will not give in, and i will not let other people grind me down. Its just a damn shame that in this case the one pushing my buttons was my OH.. but thats life i suppose.

[nsd_user663_3728]

Hi Jase

Sorry about your really bad evening/night

But you didn't give in WAHAY even if you went hungry to bed

You got through it and I can only imagine how hard that was for you to do

Day 18 and alls well still smoke free

I think that was probably the worst test for you to get through so well done Jase

Onwards and upwards all the way now

Love

Marg xxxxxxxxxxx

[nsd_user663_4901]

What a night Jase! I can't imagine how it would be without a supportive OH. Sending hugs {{{}}}

I don't think that there is any non smoker in the world that can understand what this is like. Someone else wrote (apologies to who ever it was!) that others think that after a day you are over it and can get on with your life - how wrong they are!

We should campaign for understanding - something like AA where it is a lifetime commitment that everyone understands takes just one day at a time.

I am sure there comes a point where it is OK 99.999% of the time - not sure when that it though!

You just look after number 1 - well done for walking away last night. I hope today is a better day for you.

[nsd_user663_4990]

OH rang me in work today, to see how i was.. and to apologise for last night. While it made feel somewhat better to hear the words today, I am mainly gutted i didn't hear those words last night.. it might have made a difference :/

I have to manage til 1.30pm to when my lunch break is though, and when i think that the last time i ate was yesterday around the same time, its getting on a bit timewise.. think i'll eat anything they put on the menu today

Really hope that last nights experience does not resurface again for quite a while.. a long while in fact, because i no longer have a crutch to fall back on.

I think in a way, that although i paid the price by going hungry last night, at least i didn't cave in and smoke.. so thats good. Just need to eat now so i don't confuse hunger pangs for craving for errrm.. you know what.

You're right about folk thinking you are over smoking after a day or two tho, alot of folk will say 'good for you!' when you say you've just quit.. but rarely do they ask you later how you are n stuff.. sometimes i'd love that.. even if you just got to be able to say 'hey yeah i'm still quit and i'm x days in now!'..

sometimes you just want to tell everyone.. you're proud of quitting and achievements should not go unnoticed imho

[nsd_user663_4177]

I so agree with that, people think that Mark and me are fine but we still need that pat on the back. Least we have each other in the same boat, we both had bad news today and it would have been so easy to turn to a fag but neither of us did but we can only say well done to each other it is like everyone we know has forgot we even smoked.

Well done on how you coped and I hope you had a good dinner today

[nsd_user663_4990]

Finally had something good to eat, picked all the menu options in the company canteen that were the closest thing to homely comfort foods and ate pretty much the lot

So no longer hungry thank god.. just wish the workload in work today was alot more agreeable as it seems everyone wants their company laptops fixing at the same time and one pair of hands and so many laptops makes for confusion and confusion means stress.

/want to buy: quiet space of my own for 2 hours

[nsd_user663_4891]

Hey!,

I just read about your evening last night. There you where supporting me and giving me your stick when perhaps you may still need it?...... well done for not cracking and not asking for the 'stick' back

So your feeling better now? And the otherhalf is sorry and sure, i understand that you needed that last night. This is all proof of your strength and you can be very proud of yourself J!

Mimi

[nsd_user663_4990]

yeah i was going to post on here last night, but in the end just sat away on my own stewing over things.

Todays been a bit stressy, but i'm off home now, thank goodness

Hopefully going to watch a film tonight at the cinema so thats an easy 2 hours with something to watch.

In week 3 though, you don't have a stick, you have a howitzer BOOM!

[nsd_user663_4121]

Really hope that last nights experience does not resurface again for quite a while.. a long while in fact, because i no longer have a crutch to fall back on.

You know, it wasn't really a crutch to fall back on in the first place..... on top of normal life stress, you had to get your fix..... so when you got your fix and felt relaxed again, it seemed like your situation was a bit better..... If you really look at that illusion, it will help you next time. GREAT job resisting last night!! That took some determination..... it was also the first time you managed the situation without a smoke so next time should be easier.

Another thought I had was that your argument sounded pms (or you guys call it pmt?) related..... not sure why I think that (maybe cause I argue like that once a month :rolleyes see if it happens about once a month with OH..... then you can be better prepared next time

Good luck to you..... sounds like you have plenty of determination!!!

[nsd_user663_4847]

Good on you for not giving in. Put it on your list of achievements since your quit, to remind yourself you can do it because you've already done it.

[nsd_user663_4990]

Well things are quite tranquil at home tonight and we are off out the cinema later once our baby sitters arrive for our daughter

Today at work was a very tough and stressful day brought on by far too much work to be done in far to little time... got through it though, and I escalated the problem to my boss and shown him the workload i was under and time needed for each job so he sent some help from another site for the last 2 hours which helped tremendously I literally felt the worry and stress of trying to meet all the deadlines suddenly drip away and by time to go home, all was done. ( )

Anyway, home now, and day 18 is decidedly better than 17.. should see the day out with no problem now.

Thanks for your replies btw, cheered me up a bit and spoke some sense and focus too. just what i needed among all the :confused:

[nsd_user663_4786]

Wow

only just got to this thread, sorry Jase.

So i won't go over everything again, sounds like you have pretty much gone through it and sorted it.

Just would like to say a HUGE WELL DONE. you went through it all, OH, job, stress, everything without a fag. Now u have done it once the next stress situation will be easier.

Have fun tonight and relax you deserve it.

[nsd_user663_3728]

Hi Jase

Glad your stressful day is over and everthing has calmed down for you

Enjoy your evening at the cinema

As Bev says if you get another stressy time like this it will be a breeze for you

Love

Marg xxxxxxx