Friday's Joke on Thursday:D

[nsd_user663_2783]

I usually leave the joke till Friday but thought it would make a change to do it today.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination . I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning

[nsd_user663_2783]

Absolutely brilliant Jan.

Of course none of that applies to me :rolleyes:

None of them John? Surely not:rolleyes:

[nsd_user663_2783]

Another one for you:

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend

and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

decided to get married. There was only one

little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful

younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very

tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She

would regularly bend down when she was near

me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to

be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was

near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to

come over to check the wedding invitations. She was

alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she

had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't

overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once

before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if

you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go

up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned

and made a beeline straight to the front door. I

opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord... and behold, my entire future family was standing

outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and

said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our

little test. We couldn't ask for a better

man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

[nsd_user663_2629]

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination . I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning

scary :eek: have u been stalking me

[nsd_user663_2783]

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination . I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning

scary :eek: have u been stalking me

Ssh - John's listening

[nsd_user663_2892]

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

*splutters coffee all over monitor!*

ROFKMSL - Wasn't expecting that punchline!

Blood marvellous.

I've lost all me jokes, must go seek now.........

[nsd_user663_2892]

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

>

> The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.

> * This kind of sex happens when you first meet

> someone and you both have sex until you are

> blue in the face.

>

> The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.

> * This is when you have been with your partner

> for a short time and you are so needy you will

> have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

>

> The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.

> * This is when you have been with your partner

> for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and

> you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

>

> The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.

> * This is when you have been with your partner

> for too long. When you pass each other in the

> Hallway you both say "screw you."

>

> The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.

> * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun

> in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

>

> The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.

> * This is when you cannot stand your wife any

> more. She takes you to court and screws you

> in front of everyone.

>

> And; Last, but not least,

> The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Pension Sex.

> * You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.

[nsd_user663_2892]

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men... that night all

three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes after a few days they meet again...

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you... then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

[nsd_user663_2783]

PMSL - Brilliant Barbara - both jokes. Good job I just finished my cuppa as that would have been all over the keyboard and screen. Don't think work would have like that!!!