Addiction Papers. Repost from March 6, 2007

I wrote this one year and 7 days ago... and after i started smoking again, forgot about it... i'm posting it again, so it will be front and center in my mind on what i went through last year... so i can know this year is going better hopefully. Feel free to comment.

Vike.

The Addiction Papers

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A silent assassin was pushed upon me by those I called friends beneath the shadows of a popular teen hangout when I was 16, a young pup. After a brief interaction, I was left dizzy, sick to the stomach, and a bit sore in the mouth. Over the next week or so, the assassin would pop up when I least expected it. It was relentless those first few days, a harsh kick of endorphins that got easier to handle every time. The assassin eased my thoughts that the affair was wrong; it made me feel “loved”. I came to admire this thin, elegant, smoking hot killer. I wanted it near me always. I urged people to come see me with him, to see my power, the power I had to be cool. Unfortunately, within a year he was hanging around most of the people I knew and hung out with. I no longer looked to him for advice and assistance with my troubles, but he was there anyways. I started to notice how badly his advice looked on other people. With his lingering smell, their fingers bearing his yellow mark, and their newly thin non-athletic bodies shaking in the cold, I tried to push him away, early in our relationship. It did not work, I could not say no to him, as he was very persistent in his methods. I realized the sham, that it wasn’t me with the power, but him. He had it all along. I didn’t know how to get it back. In order to sneak out with him, I would cover myself in scented sprays, flavored mouth rinse, lemon and scouring pads eating my fingers to clean his marks, and open car windows and air fresheners galore. My parents never got to meet him, but you could be sure he was never that far away. My athletic childhood turned into a lethargic adulthood before I was aware of the changes. Teen age years squeezed through the billow of blue haze and smoke. I even had other people finding him for me as I was years under the age where it was deemed “legal” to hang out with him. At first, I thought myself lucky to have friends that would find him so I could be cool by association, this luck ran out very quickly. Many frozen fingers, and numerous lighter tricks later, my fascination for this delicate infection became a foreseeable nuisance for others. Girlfriends started leaving me because of him. What did I care, there were plenty of other fish in the sea. Unfortunately, those that knew him, always seemed to know a good time to get away, and with me he sat for many more years. Businesses and institutions considered me second class, because I would be with him. Nobody that didn’t have a cylindrical friend of their own would join me in my car. After 8 years I was going to the unwanted meeting place even before my morning coffee. Lining myself up for a daily cough, I stood tall for 5 or 6 minutes while getting kicked in the chest. My colds were becoming quick infections every few seasons, and I was getting multiple warning from doctors. The usual “quit, or die”. In one ear, out the other. I wasn’t allowed to hang out with herb, patch, or zybby too long, because he would always call me back early. The remedy gang danced around by themselves, and I watched their whimsical taunts with longing. I wasn’t allowed to run around with friends, or sit through an entire movie. People that don’t know him do not understand how hard it is to escape the real world for an affair that you know is frowned upon, but cannot help getting crazy for. At ten years, the costs were becoming too much. He kept raising his rates, but gave me nothing more in return. The glamorous thoughts, the movie star attitude, were all but gone. I hated myself for finding him, no matter how many of him I destroyed, he would pop up somewhere. I routinely thought about how many people must have watched me fade into the junkie life, listening to me again and again as I lied to them and myself both, reassuring everyone that I still had power over this, that I still could make my own decisions. This January, courage built. My brother told me that I couldn’t get into shape, We made a bet of sorts. I left my assassin for his cousin, Gar. Much bigger, and possibly even more dangerous, but different, and it was the change I needed to do what I had been plotting for over 10 years. I started a daily swim at the health club where I had two previous years memberships and zero visits. Two months later, March 1, 2007, right at Midnight Feb. 28, I reversed things on my assassin. I leapt out of my own shadows, arms raised in battle stance, and I put my foot down hard (still hurts)… I screamed “NO!!! NO! NO! NO! You Have No Power Over Me! I Don’t Need You! You Are Evil! I Want My Life Back!” The assassin said nothing, not even a peep came out of its filtered mouth as my fist came down hard upon his head, again, and again. I crushed all his alter egos. The first three days were hell in a handbasket. Then I endured two more. I am now on 6 days. I may be angry and snappy right now, but a few weeks of agitation is nothing to the ten years of life I will regain. My body is going to jump right out of my skin, I shake, I can’t sleep, I am spaced out, Yet I am celebrating. How Ironic is that. I see the freedom at the end of the tunnel that I have only heard about. I do still think of him almost every minute, but my new destiny is to fight with my emotions at my side, not to hide them. To stand tall in the face of adversity and stress, and to have the freedom to do what I want, when I want to. My parents never met him, but I am sure they would be enthusiastic if they knew I walked away finally. The best part of this, is that when I am not as strong as I put out, when I am nearing temptations grasp, when I feel that I cannot handle another second, I can come to the forum, where I have friends. These friends do not hide in the shadows. They are going through the same things as me. I am so proud of them, despite never meeting them. I feel they will listen to any warped thought I put down. They won’t treat me like I’m over exaggerating, won’t tell me to have a sugarfree gum and forget about it. In fact, they are reaching out for support just as I am, striving to never release the demon again. I thank you all for being here. I congratulate all of you for facing your own assasins, and continuously telling them to simmer down. For all the people thinking about following in our footsteps, remember this: When you are drowning, raise a hand. There will be a helping one to come along soon. This boat is bigger than you think, and baby steps are glorious.

United, We’ll Fight It

Day after Day,

We’ll Fight It,

No Longer Slaves,

We’ll Fight It,

Stand Up to the Craves,

We’ll Fight It,

And Our Lives Will Be Saved.

Causes cancer

Inhibits lung capacity

Greatly reduces income

Addictive nicotine

Releases carbon monoxide

Emits lingering stench

Tars your lungs

Tastes and smell is weakened

Ends Lives

Not a good friend, is it? Love you all, sorry this is so long. Please tell me if you enjoyed, hated, etc.

Viking

__________________

10 Replies

oldestnewest
  • So... after a while, i started bumming the odd smoke again last year, which became smokes during the week, and cigars on the weekend... but this time i have learned... that one puff will destroy my quit again... i am addicted... for life... but, I can do this... the mistakes i made last year were:

    -not seeking enough help from friends/m'lady/forum

    -not educating myself enough

    -thinking that one won't hurt

    -walking away from the forum too early

    I will never be a smoker again... Hard to believe right now that i seemed so into my quit last year, and it blew up so terribly. This year, i have already lost 23 lbs... and am still losing. I have been working out, cept this week and last due to being too nuts for the gym... my diet is better, I have gotten more support... I love that i am on team FM... I have read tons of websites dedicated to not smoking... and i'm sticking with the forum. I believe that it is time to do what i've been planning for so so long and become a non smoker. Friends that quit last year around my time are at one year now, and I am at 12 days. Next year, I will be at one year, and hopefully helping those that are in my boat right now. This is hard, This Sux, but... smoking makes me the sucker. How did Oscar Wilde put it... hmmm... smoking is the most exquisite type of pleasure, it leaves you both satisfied and wanting more at the same time. that might be it.

    Also, I have read some of my last years threads and such now... and realize the first fall off the path was at 15 days, which is actually quite terrible... my second big slip was at about 40 days... and i think there was a cigar in there at some point too... I am definetly prepared to clear that this time. I will not fall off the clean air path. Never. NO more puffs! Team FM... I may need you huge in the next few days... :P Sorry everyone if this is waaay to much reading for you, but I can't sleep tonight... too much going on in my head. I also noticed that about 45 days in last year I was already leaving the forum... thinking i had a handle... only five days after the most previous slip... wow how nicotine had a hold on me... well, I can seriously say this time, that i have not slipped. I will not slip, and I will not leave here. I will fight the urge until there is no strenth left, and then at least I will be sleeping due to exhaustion, lol... rereading old posts and treads has shown me how uneducated i was last time, how unprepared for the battle, and how I am way better off this quit then i have ever been before. A lot of this has been because of my friends here, and I thank you all so very much. Well, have to wake up early, so i will bid you adieu until tomorrow. A few more days and i'm in another room hehe... It is sooo hard living alone from monday through friday and not walking the block and a half to the store. I will be boycotting that store for a year now. Have a wonderful smoke free sleep and wake up breathing free everyone.

    Viking (the struggling) Canadian Norseman.

  • glad you decided to quit again

    we started on the same day so lets fight the good fight and keep going.

    just off to read your post from last year.

  • Hi viking!

    I wish you strenght and wisdom for your jouney to freedom!

    If I did get it right you stopped for 45 days, then smoked for a year and stopped now again?

    I did something similar but for shorter times.

    nosmokingday.org.uk/forum/s... post 25

    Long posts are important to them who write them ;) They help expressing thoughts and feelings...but I think readers like them too (I like your posts) because everyones story is important to all of us.

    Sleeping problem was the biggest problem for me also. It got a lot better (actually back to normal...just with much more energy ;)) in the end of the 2nd month.

    Thinking of 'not even one' is the most useful thought that will get us through.

    Good luck and be strong!

  • Wow, what a great read, viking. And touching, too.

    Need to take my kids to school but will be back to comment soon.

    :)

  • Viking you are a worrior poet. That must be most peoples story of how we all began, and gone through many of the feelings you have expressed. Brilliant.Stay with us this time and we can conquer all. xxx:)

  • thanx for the support everyone :P

  • have i mentioned yet that half of the blokes i work with are smokers, and don't care where they are lighting up? It makes it interesting because i cannot avoid smoke the whole day at all... luckily i can still smell how bad it is...

    Vike.

  • Mate that is spot on - sums everything up in a nutshell - you dont need me to say "im wishing you all the best" because you know that.

    Stay Strong !!!!

  • Ok, well I've just read most of it all again and it is so weird how some parts I can really relate to. Its great to know that we are not alone in our quit attempts and that whatever we are feeling, others are feeling too. You don't feel so isolated. And should there ever come a time when you do feel as if you are isolated, then you only have to read of other quitters experiences to find that you are not alone.

    I hope you do use this forum for some time yet Viking in your bid for 'freedom' (still giggling @ freedomoo btw!), I'd love to see you, and everyone else, beat this nasty addiction and all its afflictions. As for having to endure other people smoking around you...arrghhh! Thankfully, that is something I do not have to cope with but I imagine it can't be very nice! But well done you for sticking with your quit. Please don't let something like this cause you to fail for I want to stay nipping at your ankes! :D

    Also, it sounds like you have a great supportive partner behind you and that can only help. Well done!

  • Oh and not forgetting you have all of us behind you too!! We'll sort you out :D

You may also like...