What if ?

I was 14 years old when in bacterial meningitis, and i still don't like talking about it, i feel like a cant talk to family members as it brings back bad memoires, they still get scared when i get a headache, but im still scare of hospitals. the hospital i was take to miss diagnosed me three times sending me home, saying that there was nothing wrong with me, in the end they admitted me as they believe my mum who they though was making up my symptoms was tiring me out, i got worse and worse and one night a student doctor and a nurser die sided to give me a lumber puncher, and im very grateful they did or id doubt i would be here today.

I know know how lucky i am to be here, in one piece with no long term damage. i must have a guardian angel, and i know my mum fought so hard with doctors to make them lessen so maybe she my guardian angel. but there's things i never told my family, like how must i remember, that the hallucinations felt so real to me and that they terrified me, that i had nightmare for month and months, that still to this day, if i have to be in a hospital or have to talk about this the nightmares come back. that for a long time i believe that i was meant to die, that the odds were against me and that i didn't have a place any more, well that how i felt in my head, and this is the first time im actually saying it.

its 5 years later, ive worked though this by my self, but if anyone needs someone to talk to im here, ive been there, and you dont need to deal with it ur self.

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  • I just realised that the title wouldn't make sense to anyone but me, but once i got home from hospital that all i could think of, what if this had happened or that. i even tried asking doctors what would of happened if i went home, if my my had listened to there advise ? i never got a straight answer, all i could think of what if i wasn't here any more? would my family be ok ? would my little sister remember me ?.

  • well done to your mom to fight for you and well done for getting threw it

  • You are right there - no one needs to feel alone in their Meningitis journey.Whether you are a victim,a loved one of a victim the Trust is there to help.

    Do you know you can have counselling,iuse helpline,forum at any time after Meningitis?They are there for you whther it was recent or 20 yrs ago.Maybe you would benefiot from some counselling to talk over what happened?

    I know I could have never got this far without the counselling sessions I had( I actaullty had 2 lots of 10 ?).The coubnsellor does not judge or even advise,just listens and accepts and helps you to idnentifyhow to move forward?I felt a huge need to tell the same thing over and over again( my story in on Meningitis Trust websirte under Gillians story) as I felt no one understood what Id been through.Hallucinations and post traumatic stress were so bad I had to be given strong sleeping pills for months.My bed used to fly up ( with me in it) and out of the house or jam up against a wall and I was always terrified Id slide out!!t was absolutely terrifying,but even the nurses and later my husband laughed and said I was imagining it all - which I suppose I was,but it was very scary and made me unable to close my eyes for fear Id float away!Souns very funny lol!But I know just how terrifying it was at the time.Take care and keep posting.

  • I had the same experience with the hallucinations while in the coma. It was absolutely terrifing and I also felt I was meant to die. I am pretty sure it gave me PTSD and I went back to using hard drugs because I didn't know how to deal with it. I'm sober now, it's been two years but I will never forget the images I saw. Hellish things. I don't like to talk about it much either, unless someone has been through it too, they don't get it. So I hear you on that one!

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