Life after death - 9 lessons for moving forward.

[vinaythespeaker]

9th July is a day of mixed emotions for me. It's the day I married my wonderful wife and and when my Mom died so suddenly.

In a cruel twist of fate, 9th July ended up becoming the biggest days of my life so far but not in the manner I had expected. After months of preparation and planning we followed tradition and consulted priests who assured us that 9th July was as an auspicious date as one could hope for. Instead it turned out to be the folk in the road of my life, one which has lead me on a journey full of thrilling turns, precarious crossings and dangerous dips.

On the eve of the wedding my mom went to bed with flu like symptoms but by the morning she was covered from head to toe in a rash. She was unable to focus her eyes, was in great pain and was violently sick. We had no idea what was going on and called for an ambulance. The paramedic took a look and we unsure too, so they took her in for some tests but felt that should would be ok. So with a sense of relief, I continued to the wedding venue with my aunt and brothers whilst my dad went with my mom in the ambulance. That was the last time I saw her alive. By the time I had returned from the wedding, unaware of what had been going on, she was brain dead and hooked up to a life support machine.

At just 49 years old her life had been cut short by Meningocal Septicemia.

It was the darkest time in my life and shook the very foundations of everything I believed. It took a lot of help, support and self education to be able to move forward.

What I came to learn through my experience was that life doesn’t unfolding in a straight path as we are so conditioned to believe, but rather that life is a set of twists and turns like a road which cuts through a mountain range. Sure, you have you straight roads where you are at full speed but sooner or later there is a hairpin turn which can surprise you.

You see change will affect all of us, when and where is seldom of our choosing. No matter how straight the road you are on right now is, at some point ahead there is a turn which is going to challenge you on every level and you need to be prepared for that otherwise you could find yourself nosediving off the edge of cliff.

So how do you prepare yourself?

None of us have crystal ball, all we know about the future is that it will be different. Dealing with change is a inner game, one that is played out in your mind. It’s how we think and how we cope with our emotions that really determines how successfully we over come disappointment, failure or loss.

The experience of losing my Mom sent me on journey through which I learned a number important lessons about dealing with change, challenge and adversity and today to honour her memory I thought I’d share 9 of my key lessons with you:

1. Beginning with the end in mind

Just like any other journey, before you set off it is important that you have a clear destination in mind. Most people make random decisions based on where they are are i life not where they want to be. The danger with that approach is that if you don’t where you are going, when you hit rough waters it is easy for you to be blown of course and difficult to get back on track. The clearer your destination, the more focused your activity and the greater your chance of success.

2. The most important step is the next one.

You may have heard of that famous saying “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” and in moving forward from challenges nothing rings more true. No matter where you are in life, how you arrived there or what steps you have taken previously the most important step is the next one. It’s easy to get overwhelmed by what may need to get done, just focus on taking the next step no matter how small – it’s progress.

3. Surround yourself with people who will take you higher.

There is a theory that states that you become average of the people you most hang out with so be choosy about who you keep close to you. I’m not saying you should ditch your friends rather seek out additional ones who will take you higher, those who you aspire to be like or make you feel positive through their conversations, attitude and what they believe.

4. Take out the rubbish and detox your mind

Just as we should watch what we eat, so we should watch what we fill our minds with. What we focus on influences how we think, what we think creates our emotions and that in turn drives our actions which leads to our results. If you’re filling your mind with rubbish, guess what happens? That’s right – rubbish in, rubbish out! Put your mind on a diet of positive development by watching, reading and listening to information which will help you grow!

5. Stop taking your self so seriously

In the pursuit of our dreams we can become so focused, motivated and driven to achieve that we can become self consumed and start taking ourselves too seriously. When we do that our decision making suffers because we become obsessed with survival and fear begins to creep in. We need to learn to relax a little and learn to laugh at yourself sometimes. Yes, be serious about the work you do but be relaxed and you’ll find you’re a whole lot more approachable.

6. Be the responsible one.

Take total responsibility for everything that happens in your life. I don’t mean in the context of blame, I know you don’t deliberately cause problems – I mean in the context of ownership. You see your results are not defined by conditions but by the decisions you make. Everything you have in your life right now is the sum total of all decisions you’ve made – both consciously and unconsciously. When you start to accept responsibility, you stop looking for excuses and starting focusing on results. You begin to accept that change begins with you.

7. Learn the value of patience.

We live in an 24/7 always on world and have been condition to expect almost instant responses to emails, phones calls etc which I believe has led us to seek out silver bullet solutions for everything. The truth is success requires a level of persistence and patience, as it can take sometime for the results to show up. All to often we end up giving up when we are right on the cusp of a breakthrough – remember Rome wasn’t built in a day!

8. Don’t look back in anger.

When things go wrong it is easy to look back at decisions you may have made with regret, anger or frustration but those emotions do not serve you well. There is nothing you can do to change what has happened, all you can do is change the way you feel about it. One way is to focus your mind on the lessons by asking what the positive learnings are that you can apply to your future.

9. Move Your Body

One of the fastest ways to change your emotional state is to change your physiology. What I mean by that is your posture or your body position. When you move your body through exercise, playing sport, dancing, playing with the kids walking the dog or even just pacing around your living room you release natural ‘feel good’ chemicals into your blood stream which impact the way you feel. If you feel better or more positive you’ll have more energy to do the things you need to do.

[Tiga]

I am so sorry for your loss, i am sure your mother looked down on both of you with love and and been very proud of you, the words you have wrote are beautiful and i know will help many others, your mother bought a wonderful son in to this world, and must be so very very proud of you !!!!!!!

[sorba]

This is great, it's good to see some people take a positive outlook in the face of tragedy, good luck, Sorba

[vinaythespeaker]

Tiga and Sorba - thanks so much for your comments.

[daffodil]

So very sorry to hear of your Mum's death through Meningitis.Yet,indeed she must be looking down on you and feeling very proud at the postive way you have reacted to such tragedy.I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason -and yes this is hard to accept at times when the event that has happened changes your life! But we can either constantly mourn our losses( this is as true for loss of loved ones as it is for those of us who mourn the loss of our pre Meningitis lives,or we can try to learn from our experience,become wiser,better and more empathetic people.

Every single one of your points is spot on -thanks for putting them so clearly.I particularly like the second one - the most important step is the next one.I think that all these lessons are ones that many of us who have experienced Meningitis can or already have taken on board.You only need to browse through the forum posts to see the utter devastation -through death and drastically altered lives,if we survive - Meningitis can cause.

This forum is a wonderful support for lots of us,all at different stages after Meningitis.I had M in Jan 2008,so its coming up to my 5yr anniversary.Often ,the sharing of our stories,worries, disabilities is healing in itself as we feel that someone else understands.I feel blessed that I have learned many of these lessons,but I am further on than most people . I feel that the reason I was allowed to live again( I died and had near death /out of body experience) is to reach out to others -to encourage,help and make their recovery less difficult.

To hear from someone like you,who has been at the other end of Meningitis, puts it in perspective for those of us who are struggling with the horrific after effects of Meningitis.Thank you for sharing your loss and the lessons you have learned.

[Mypain in reply to daffodil]

I too "died" twice. It's the trying to figure out the new me that has been one of my biggest challenges. With the support of my family and friends I have thrived. 6 years ago I lost the old Sharon but I am learning to love the new one. My son, God bless him, says mom, you always said 1 day at a time. Every step gets you closer to getting better. Just try! Darn kids using my own words on me! It has been a struggle but, my new favorite saying, every day I wake up is gonna be a good day!

[daffodil in reply to Mypain]

Hi Sharon, You are so right -getting used to the new,altered "you" is perhaps even harder than the physical trauma of Meningitis.I found also that my family and friends wrer reluctant to admit the "damage" that it had done,which made it even more difficult for me to accept.

You sound really positive aqnd its great to hear positive people,who can retain their sense of humour despite everything that Meningits has thrown at them.tAKE CARE,