Hey all, I just found this page. I don't really know what to say. Guess to start, I have an incredibly rare condition that's caused me to need major surgeries since I was 3. I've lost count on how many total by now (30+, maybe even 40+), but am pretty sure I've been in the hospital for it at least 16-17 times in my life. I've had 3 trips in the last twoish years alone: May 2022, February 2023, and now February 2024. The worst ones were when I was in high school, but having so many in a short time recently has been really hard as well. While the trauma from those has been pretty normalized at this point, it continues to substantially color my life and experiences.
Amidst this, the forefront of my mind has been mostly taken up by what ended up becoming a really traumatic relationship I had in 2022. In short, I confessed (genuine) love to someone who wasn't ready and was yelled at for it. We had dated very intensely and affectionately beforehand, seeing each other a lot, and she had confessed to having feelings for me on multiple occasions. It ended brutally and yet I'm still in love, despite us not talking since. I would also then go on to lose my primary support friend group in early 2023 when one of my closest friends was accused of [worse than assault] by another close friend when they were together back in the day. This continues to remain an incredibly complicated thing, making time spent with others from the group difficult and painful. I still struggle today to open myself up to anyone, friend or otherwise.
Recently, I read a book published back in 1978 called "Snapping" by Flo Conway and Jim Siegelman. It primarily talks about cults and the dangers of how they rewrite people's brains, though also connects the dangers to society at large. I gleamed something from it that I thought was interesting: using their definition of snapping, the brain is not just changed but physically rewired by intensely difficult experiences. I feel this is exactly what happened to me, as my relationship happened to be with someone who shared almost all of my interests completely. As a result, the list of triggers that came after seemed to be in the hundreds. Video games, movies, places, songs, actors, shows, events; all kinds of things either incredibly broad or painfully specific. It seemed as if my mind was completely rewritten to have every road lead back to her. It was and still is very painful, and only recently have I began to start enjoying some of these things again. The work of undoing is hard, but has been possible.
I say all this because it made me realize something. I've had a similar nagging feeling with suicidal thoughts for over a decade at this point. It's similar in that all roads in my head tend to lead there. I constantly feel exhausted, gross, and alone, and will uncontrollably dissociate or crater emotionally throughout my regular life. With this always comes the feeling of not wanting to exist, not so much wanting to die but to curl up into a ball tighter and tighter until the world ceases to exist: to not have to deal with other people or things like eating and providing for myself. Perhaps a really horrible experience or many wrote this into me, baked it in like that one day with my ex did. Like the slow progress I've made writing my ex out of my brain, perhaps incessant suicidality can also be undone or written over in a similar way. I have no clue how best to go about this, though, other than to fight it as best as one can.
I could go on about other things too, from my current crushing lack of a career or direction, other surgery and recovery experiences, past drug dependencies, family issues and alcoholism, or even the thorough bullying and ostracization I experienced throughout my teenage years, but this is already a very long post. For those who read all the way down here, thank you. I really just don't know what to do anymore. I've experienced physical pain beyond explanation as early as the age of 13, and continue to struggle as it seems I continue to be hit by personal trauma after trauma to what feels like an almost absurd degree. To hope is painful. It's made me sick of the world, and to want nothing to do with it.
On the topic of my own safety, I have always personally felt way too much guilt for how it would affect the people in my life. I say that not to sound judgemental to those who have tried, as I can clearly remember at least two instances in college where it honestly should have happened, even if somewhat unintended, while in extreme manic and self destructive states, and also a lot of instances in 2023 where I had to put myself to bed to avoid the despair and desire to do it. I only wanted to mention this as it's honestly the one major thing that's been keeping me going. I still think about and desire it every day, as if I'm only staying alive for other people. Without them, I really don't think I'd have any trouble doing it. I constantly fear another complete collapse as a result, and have worked tirelessly and perhaps unhealthily to prevent more from continuing to happen.
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NoOneReallyKnowsMe
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Hey there. I read your post in its entirety. I hear you. I'm sorry you're going thru a tough time. You hv a lot on your plate, and it's too much to bear. If you're having s- thoughts, please please get help as soon as you can. Call 988. If you're already getting treatment, pls tell your doctor the severity of your depression. If you hv someone in your family who you trust the most, reach out to that person. Keep posting on here (also join the Anxiety & Depression grp) - you may not get a response, but many ppl do read your posts and hear you and feel for you.
Breakups are hard to get over, esp from the ones you connected with and loved (or still hv feelings for). Somehow, we just move on and get on with our lives. It doesn't mean you'll completely forget about her. It's more like your memories of her, triggered by the things you like to do, will eventually fade away as time goes by. The past will stay in the past if you "leave" it there. Try to focus on the present. Focus on healing yourself. And yes our brains are "plastic", which means a better and "healthier" rewiring is very much likely to happen if you focus on what matters to you, like your family, etc.
It's really unfair and cruel that you were afflicted w/ a rare condition and hv to endure unimaginable pain. I hope somewhere, someone is working on a better treatment. For now, I'd like you to know that I admire your indomitable spirit and courage. I'm rooting for you bc now I know about you. Take care.
Hey, thank you so much for replying. I honestly don't really know any practical ways of getting help outside what I'm already doing. I've never gone to the ER for it; I worry about how impersonal the treatment would be and how underequipped modern medicine seems to really be able to help people in mental health crises. I'm already very familiar with hospitals, and have even helped some close friends through similar s- situations that included going to the ER and not receiving much positive help. I've thought about going into a program for it, something similar to AA.
I still do try, even if I can't imagine a life without difficult depression. I had a good experience with an anonymous Zoom support group a few days ago. I've had therapists since I was a teenager and currently see one every week through my insurance, as well as a psychiatrist who has prescribed me something I always take. Things just always seem like short term solutions that don't change the reality of my situation, which is the biggest source of all of my strife and issues. I'm focusing the most on improving my financial situation, and working to change how I think about the world when not on the job. The biggest things are stability and eventual autonomy, things that seem far away but are my best hope.
Thank you for rooting for me I'm definitely trying. Not much for hope, moreso that I don't really have much of a choice other than to live.
"While there is life, there is hope." (Cicero)... I know that sounds cheesy and lame, but saying it over and over (along with many other of my fave quotes & poems) sometimes helps me when I'm in despair and need to save myself... You hv a lifetime ahead of you, and it's not going to be "bad" all the time. I hv a cpl decades on you-- some of my best yrs were in my late-20s to late-30s....And definitely build up your savings (liquid & not anything intangible like crypto, IMO 😁) and stay close to your loved ones. Due to my conditions, I've had to deplete my savings multiple times, and it's OK bc I know (someone here reminded me of it) that there's no quit in me. And based on your attitude and what you've been thru, I hv no doubt that you're more resilient than you think.
Hi there my husband Paul had a lot of infant trauma as he went through four major surgeries he was born with club feet and hands and struggles with pain to this very day because of that he also has stenosis in his back and is now on SSD because of it. And who knows why he was born with that issue but what I told him was sometimes I think God knows who was actually strong enough to overcome what you went through and it was you and that's why you were born that way I have no other way to explain it to him but it breaks my heart at the pain he says he endured and he doesn't remember going to kindergarten to 3rd or 4th grade and I think it was due to the anesthesia because he went under several times. I also think that it's due to the traumatic experience he might have blocked a lot of that time out for some reason this poor kid went to school with two casts on his legs and walked there himself nobody drove him to school that made me so pissed at his mother to let him walk to school with two casts on his legs. What I tell him is Paul whatever you went through made you the strongest person I've ever known in my life so with me saying that you are strong yourself with enduring the pain you go through day in and day out use that strength that anger as a way to combat this damn depression you're in right now. At the end of your post it seemed that you were possibly thinking of harming yourself please don't you are enough and you are worthy and you are one of God's children and you are on this Earth for a reason. I am a three-time suicide Survivor and the last time I was only 15 minutes away from death and God was the only one that was able to save me I was in ICU for a day and a half and have no recollection of them pumping my stomach because I swallowed all of my mental health medication. I continue to have difficulties up to the age of 21 and then slowly I began to snap out of it and start living life again I went back to school at 24 I studied psychology to understand why I was so messed up. When I was growing up I was bullied made fun of I was a cheerleader that was the only one left behind while all the other girls walk together they didn't like me because I wasn't from there town that made me feel so much like an outcast I was never invited to their parties it made me really sad but I wanted to be a cheerleader so bad I stuck it out and just invited my friends from home to come to my games at least I had them. As far as my home life goes my mother was an alcoholic and I was her Target and I was emotionally psychologically and verbally abused by her for years. My father physically abused me and I was sexually assaulted so I went through every abuse you could possibly go through which I'm sure was a catalyst in me trying to commit suicide three separate times. I am now 54 years old and I've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder since 2006 my medication no longer works and I have decided to safely wean myself off of it because I've been on medication for 18 years now. My husband swears it's made me worse and I think he might be right I actually Googled the long-term side effects of Pristiq and it actually causes suicidal ideation and depression. It also causes kidney and liver damage along with lung disease I've been on an 18 years I'm off that's it enough for me. I don't want to go through the back and forth of getting on other medications either I'm going a more holistic route with meditation, yoga, Tai Chi, herbal teas, a healthy diet and exercise and most importantly to have the sun shine on my face by going outside and getting some fresh air everyday. Sorry this post is so long yes I have The Gift of Gab. But I hope some of what I've said here helps you in some way and I wish you peace and well-being please continue to reach out and voice how you're feeling okay. There are many people in this group who are very caring and are great listeners and I am so grateful I found this group I feel very welcome here and accepted.
No worries, I really appreciate the support. I'm so sorry for all of those horrible experiences, with both you and your husband. For what it's worth any kind of relationship stuff for me is still something that seems far away, and the fact that you two were able to find each other amid shitty experiences, and hopefully make each other happy, is really, really cool. Gives me hope heh.
I also want to apologize for the bringing up of s-, I moreso didn't want people to feel patronized, and to try not to make light of it. Would have been hypocritical, and I also just really wanted to challenge how I've always seen things. I am also a huge fan of teas and other little things haha. And fresh air! I've been recovering from my recent operation pretty well, though stairs are still a challenge. One day I'll be back to skating, hopefully. Thank you for getting in touch I appreciate this space a lot
Hi there. I love this group and have already met so many kind and compassionate individuals that share the same types of feelings as myself which makes me feel totally accepted and understood which is awesome. I'm glad that you are recovering from your operation and I hope that you get back to skating shortly when your body heals fully and you are ready. I have to wake up each morning and remember that I do have things to be grateful for and one of them is having a strong marriage with my husband of 18 years his name is Paul and he is my everything we're still in love after all these years and it doesn't seem like 18 years has already come and gone and he says that's a good thing. We laugh a lot together now and it breaks his heart seeing me depressed all the time so for him I'm going to make a honest to goodness effort to get myself out of this deep dark hole of depression sooner rather than later because you never know the day or the hour that you won't be here anymore and we only go around once so make it count right? I need to remember that when I wake up to be grateful for another day to be together with my Paul and our baby with paws Bella. Thanks for your reply to me. We'll chat again soon. Wishing you peace and well-being take care of yourself.
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I'm definitely trying. Not much for hope, moreso that I don't really have much of a choice other than to live.
