A different kind of survival - Lung Cancer Support

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A different kind of survival

ynkefan08753 profile image

Morning everyone. I just wrote a 50,000 word post but then deleted it before posting. There’s no need to drag out a simple question and I’m going to ask it here because I know I can trust you guys. Has anyone here who’s git cancer been cheated on by their husband/wife? If so, is it possible to forgive?

The worst part about this to me right now is the fact that he said things to her about me (not flattering) in order to justify his cheating. He made me out to be this cold person who just didn’t want to have sex anymore. Sure our sex kids isn’t what it was before cancer...but I venture to guess it’s better than a lot of people’s whether healthy or sick. He did this once before. About 2 years ago. I figure if there’s two I know about there’s probably more I don’t know about. I keep asking myself do I really want to be married to someone who cheats on his wife who he cancer. And then I tell myself that I know he loves me so there’s got to be something more to this.

Any insight anyone can give me would be appreciated. If I talk to my friends or family and then we decide to work out the marriage.::I don’t want everyone knowing my business. I’m not built for judgement lol. I know you guys will just give it to me straight.

Thanks.

D

12 Replies
Denzie profile image
DenzieModerator

This question comes upon my support group from time to time. It’s heartbreaking. Some idiots will use anything as an excuse. Remember when Newt Gingrich ‘s campaign finance manager quoted him as saying she wasn’t young enough or pretty enough to be the wife of a politician, and besides that she had cancer? He had affairs on her then served her divorce papers while she was recovering from her cancer surgery in the hospital. It’s a scenario that gets repeated all over the world and I’m sorry you have to deal with this.

What you do is entirely a personal decision. It should be made when the initial pain of his infidelity has passed. Start a list pros and cons. Is he sorry or sorry that he got caught? Do consider counseling. Know that I send prayers for peace and clarity.

first, forgive yourself for whatever guilt you think you might have. we all know life is too short for us to remain feeling bad for whatever reason. whether you choose to forgive him is up to you, but again don't do it because of guilt. many women sell ourselves short because we're so used to taking care of other people's needs that we neglect ourselves. having cancer has taught me to let go of anger against others and things that would end up eating me up if i let it fester. that being said, i insist on putting myself first and demanding that my loved ones see me as the person they've always known and not someone who needs to be pitied. i wish you the best and stay strong, remember, what doesn't doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. you've been through enough and should be on your way to becoming wonder woman.

What you decide to do is completely up to you. I have a friend who knows what is happening and chooses to stay because it is better financially; another friend has an "arrangement" with the spouse that works along the lines of "I don't ask and you don't tell"; I have a friend who couldn't accept it and got out of the marriage, she now regrets it because she was better off in the marriage, and she now realizes that it is not easier to find a new partner after a certain age; and finally, I have a friend who got out and has never looked back. So, I guess the question that really needs to be answered is whether you are better off in the marriage or better off on your own. It hurts, no one can deny that, but can you move past the hurt and get to the point of taking care of yourself on both a physical and emotional level? What do you gain by staying? What do you gain by leaving? If you are young enough, will you want another partner and how will you go about finding one? So many questions - I guess the best answer up my sleeve is that you seek out a good therapist and work through it before doing anything permanent. There is absolutely no shame in recognizing that you need help and getting it. If you are going to a large setting for your cancer, it is likely that there is a therapist on staff and you can go there, or you can find one through you primary physician or friends.

I agree with both Denzie and thila1. To stay in the marriage or not, is a personal decision only you can make. Don't feel guilty, you didn't decide to get cancer, but he decided to cheat. This is on him, not you. As for his "excuse" of cheating because you two have no sex life, my sex drive died about 6 years ago. Due to medical issues for both of us (much more mine than hubbies), we haven't had sex in over 5 years, and he has never cheated on me.

Please forgive me, but right now I would like to smack him upside the head and ask him what is wrong with him.

Lol. Me too. I’ve wanted to smack him since I found out. Not for nothing but we had sex twice the week I found out (before I found out that is). Our sex life isn’t gone ...it’s just different. I think it’s a ridiculous excuse regardless. He knows that if he were injured or something happened that caused him not to be able to have sex, I would still be faithful to him. That’s what marriage vows are for. The sickness and in health thing wasn’t just placed there for a space filler. Apparently there is something more going on here because I know plenty of married couples that don’t even have sex very often. He’s apparently missing something else. That’s not on me. I do everything I can possibly do for him. If it’s not enough then I say good luck finding someone else who will take care of him like I have. Not much more I can do 😐

I just hope he is using protection with this other person. They say that any time you sleep with someone, you are sleeping with everyone they have slept with in the last 5 years.

He swears he hasn’t actually been intimate with anyone. I don’t know why he thinks I would believe him...Although I think I may have caught him before he had a chance to with this one. Who knows if there’s been a bunch more?

It’s all very frustrating.

I agree, it is very frustrating.

thila1 profile image
thila1 in reply to ynkefan08753

Across time, space and cyber firewalls, i am sending a giant smack up side his face for you. my mom used to say if you sneeze, it is because somebody is talking about you, well if he starts sneezing his head of, it is the power of the collective members in this forum who just want you to be at peace with yourself and to be well. just let us know if we should pull out or put away the voodoo dolls ;)

Thank you guys for your responses. I decided I wouldn’t make any decisions until after he’s seen a therapist alone and we’ve seen one a few times together. He’s scheduled to start therapy on the 15th and I will schedule us for couples counseling for when I get back from Bermuda. And yes....I booked myself a solo cruise to Bermuda for a week. I leave on the 28th. He thinks I’m going on this trip alone to punish him lol. I’m going on this trip alone so that I can think clearly without him being around to distract me. Am I concerned that he will use this opportunity to cheat? No. If he’s going to cheat he’s going to cheat and there’s not much I can do about it. If he does then that’ll make my decision that much easier. I’m angry at him and very disappointed. We’ve known each other for over 30 years and what he’s done is pretty inexcusable. He found a lump behind his right nipple last week. The doctor ordered a mammogram that he will have next week. I wonder if he’s worried that he might have cancer and will I be there to support him? Funny how things work out sometimes. Not that I wish cancer on him. I certainly don’t. It’s just a bit ironic that this is happening now.

Thanks again for the advice and I will let you know what I decide to do when I decide to do it. I’m in no rush I suppose..

😊😊

Hello D,

I have been divorced for over 20 years...just diagnosed with non-small cell lung cancer with Mets September 2018.

I have no experience with what you are going through, but did find myself emotionally vulnerable when first diagnosed. I allowed an ex-boyfriend to come back into my life as a friend, who in truth, did not run to my side to be of help, but instead to squeeze as much money and favors out of me as possible.

I am 53 years old and feel like a complete idiot. But, as one writer expressed, #1-Forgive Self! And that is what I have done...I have forgiven myself...and forgiven the guy (my ex).

In my opinion, only the vilest of humans dare take advantage of newly diagnosed cancer patients/fighters. But it is gonna happen.

I am praying for you, sweet one.

I put my personal business out there just so you know that you are not alone. Being diagnosed with cancer is emotional and we must learn to shelter/protect our hearts. Of course, being married, you don't expect to have to guard ones heart.

I am sorry you are going through this and will keep you in my prayers. God bless you dear one.

Sending big hugs and light,

~Bri

Thank you Bri. I appreciate you telling me about what happened to you. People can just suck sometimes. My husband thinks because he didn’t do anything physically (if I’m really to believe that) that it’s not as bad as if he did. He has no idea how it feels to have the person you trust most on the planet...to betray you. If I was a lesser person I’d show him exactly what it feels like. I’m just not.

Oh well...what can ya do?

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