Loss of identity..post BI

[Survivor37]

I'm a lifetime down the road living with BI and now at 48 I still don't know my personal identity all I know is that I'm a dad and a Grandad but I don't even know a favorite colour still to this day..I do now understand that I suffered a serious road accident back in 1983. All I know is it went black back then n it's been difficult ever since. I accept the lad I was in 1983 changed forever as soon as that car hit me..my info comes from my mum bless her as I have no memory of what happened..anyway after years n years trying to find the person I once was I've finally accepted that he's always been gone post BI I used to push myself to dangerous extremes daily after my BI no thought for consequences.. but now I'm all about peace in my own madness..it's hard to explain I hope this makes sense..👍

[cat3]

Just off to see my grandson on his birthday so I'll be back for a chat later this evening. Hope it isn't grey & rainy in your area as it is here in the NW today ! Xx

[Survivor37 in reply to cat3]

Enjoy your day Cat3 👍x

[cat3 in reply to Survivor37]

Thanks S. Yes it's been a lovely day spent with family ; had a great catch up (& cake) and grandson has been very spoiled.Pity the sun deserted us after such a lovely day yesterday but nothing was spoiled..

Your final comment in your post 'But now I'm all about peace in my own madness' rings a big bell for me ! It's good to hear you're acknowledging your 'new self' m'love and I hope it'll bring you that long-awaited peace. 😏

Take care... Love Cat x

[Survivor37 in reply to cat3]

I'm happy in my own madness these days Cat3. I used to crave the outside but my unpredictable thought processes and fatigue would soon stop me in my tracks..I'm done trying to be like everyone else without a BI. It's just too much for me to bare hense the phrase happy in my own madness. I told a doctor recently that there's no need to section me as I'm already sectioned in my own house🤣🤣after all these years I am able to smile at my own madness👍

[cat3 in reply to Survivor37]

That's the key ! Humour (often the dark type) has been a massive factor in getting me & my family through....

Keep smiling m'love ! 😉 Xx

[Survivor37 in reply to cat3]

I've managed to hide my communication struggles with sarcasm and humour most my life even tho inside I was SCREAMING..Theses days Humour is all I have..the phrase if I didn't laugh I'd scream is very poiniant in my life..being the latar end of brain injury with my BI the struggles are still the same as they've always been..Brain injury can also be a real gift..people Ive said this to look at ya gone out 🤣🤣

[cat3 in reply to Survivor37]

That's why we here can bond so easily ; we get one another. Loving family & friends (who really do care and do want to help) can talk the talk, but we and fellow survivors walk the walk every single day.

Hang in there S37 !

x

[Survivor37 in reply to cat3]

Always cat3 x

[Leaf100]

Hi Survivor,

A lot of things and perceptions change for people after a BI and actually even keep changing, in my experience.

Also, maybe you didn't have a favourite colour as a lad - not everyone does. I used to wear colours I thought looked nice on me and had a different colour I liked in a car, for example. One thing for me is I used to wear red a lot and I found it really overstimulating after the accident - I tend to go for less vibrant ones now and avoid it.

You have lived longer post brain injury than you did before you had it. It is wonderful you are coming to a place of self acceptance and being ok with who you are, rather than trying to pretend.

I have found in life most people really can only understand what they themselves have been through, which is partly why, I feel, it is hard for the people that haven't been through this to get it. It is pretty quirky.

Doing things to keep yourself peaceful and healthy is a good place to be. You also must feel exhausted by all those years of feeling you were faking it. Now you're getting a chance to have a rest and live in a way that suits who you are now. And figuring out what is you and what was part of the getting by act. And, btw, you survived and did the best you could at the time. That counts for something.

Leaf

[Survivor37 in reply to Leaf100]

Love your comment Leaf100..it's so true..the moment I came out of unconsciousness back at age 10 I soon knew I were different I had to adapt to a different life not knowing what had happened to me. Pre BI I was a shy timid bullied kid but post BI it all changed I no longer had any thought for consequences and my anger/violence was horrific..most friends I had I beat up for nothing really..fast-forward through my choatic life to now 4 years down the road of very nearly taking my own life as I were exhausted having to pretend..I'm so glad I stopped running n denying to myself that I was broken..I do feel emensly proud of how far I have managed to get to now and I'm quite happy now to sit with the real me👍👍👍

[superstar79]

Hi Survivor37. I can relate to what you are saying! I was attacked and mugged and it caused a TBI in 2009 which left me permanently disabled. I don’t remember the two years after it happened and my memories are filled in by others. To this day I have a very poor memory along with many other symptoms related to TBI.

It’s been extremely difficult for me to accept that I will never be able to work again and have gone from caring for others in my career and personal life, to now being cared for.

I am constantly pushing myself daily to do more and to prove all of my consultants wrong! It doesn’t end well and I cause more harm than good! However, I have never given up on anything in my life and have always found a way to survive anything that life throws at me and bounce back. My TBI I simply can’t beat and it is frustrating!!

I am now 43. A parent and soon to be grandparent for the first time. I lost my partner two years ago this year.

My life is isolating and I feel as though the old me is trapped inside of me, screaming to get out! This new me that forgets things daily, what I want to say, what things and people are called. What I am doing or have done.

I feel so stupid at times and I just want the old me back!

My mobility is poor and I am forever walking into things! Tremors are a nightmare and I drop things all the time.

This life is not who I am! I feel so lost and although my family and the few friends I have left are understanding and supportive.

I feel as though they just don’t understand what it is like being me!

Don’t get me wrong I am grateful for everything that I have and simply the fact that I am alive, when I almost died twice. I have so much more than many people in this world and I am grateful for everything. I don’t mean money but a roof over my head, food in the cupboards and my child/adult is happy and healthy etc.

Yet, I want more from my life than being stuck in my bubble at home 99% of the time!

I have been through years of cognitive therapy and physiotherapy. They can not fix me and have told me that I must accept that this is my life now! Which is about living in pain 24/7 and having endless reminders daily to do things.

I have no interaction with the world, outside of my family and friends. Now my partner of almost 22 years has died I feel lonely and utterly lost!

Apologies for this being a long reply. I find that nobody around me understands what it’s like to live like this. I joined this community to try and find people to chat with that actually get what it is like living with a brain injury.

[Survivor37 in reply to superstar79]

I can totally understand what you are saying superstar79. Life after brain injury is very different from those without Brain Injury. People say u should man up but manning up and keeping pace with an every changing world is such hard work..up until 4 years ago I was working pushing myself 150% in all I did..that just made me worse I have never been able to see anything through to it's end I've done so many things over my life to now..I've now learned that I can't overload my thinking at all with anything as I just melt down I too have no interaction with anyone outside my family unit. This does cause me problems but I've said before I'm happy in my own madness it won't change my injured brain that will stay with me forever..good luck on your own journey from one BI Survivor to another💪💪💪👌