Nobody knows the struggles I've seen...

[LittleBribri]

I have Highly Superior Autobiographical Memory.

I also have relapsing polychondritis.

I also have fibromyalgia, asthma, osteoarthritis, recovered from kidney and liver failure twice and I'm in a 20 year long remission from leukemia.

I'm tired.

My body is tired.

My will is tired.

I also have insomnia really bad and allergies that have yet to be named.

My doctor can't deal with me for long, because they are very basic. So I'm seeing more extra special specialists that have slightly more information than Google which means they have slightly higher credibility.

They don't deal much with people that have all that plus DID, OCD, PTSD, and people that were victims of kidnapping and being sold for over 30 years.

I'm alone.

I recently was given another IQ test and it's the results that serve to reveal the truth that I actually am alone. Results so similar to the big brains of our praises lead me to read again about their lives to find out if they were happy if they didn't feel so alone that they had others near them that understood them and loved them... I have read and reread autobiographies and biographies for Einstein, Hawking, Tesla, Woolf, Dickens, and the like... Then with Robin Williams and Shakespeare... I've read all the words I can find published on each.

I'm actually - usually, a really upbeat, happy, optimistic person. But, the older I get and the younger the doctors are, my expectations are met less and less. Regarding my frustrations with this incessant and increasingly all too familiar lack of awareness or lazy doctoring? But here's the messed up part. The really mind numbing thing is... this: my isolation from intelligence akin to my own isn't personal. I find that my level of anxiety decrease is my inner ability to take in full awareness that my doctors are doing the best that they can do. They have a life outside of the room where I am. They have entire lives and worries and fears all their own.

Mine take up, at best, 25 minutes of that time. So when I go there to meet them and pay hundreds of dollars to do so, I expect them to have more information about their specialty than I do. They spent years studying this stuff. I spent hours. This alone should mean they could do this - doesn't it?

Instead, I'm met with hostility or worse - wounded pride.

When I go in a pretend to be stu...ahem ... Slower than they are mentally, they are kind and use sincere tones in their voice inflections. But the results are the same. Only then I feel like a fool because I sincerely dumbed myself down and the result is worse when adding this shame onto it.

I'm not fortunate enough to have anyone near me to advocate for me. No family, no friends. I've only been free a few years ... Not even long enough to use all the fingers on one hand! And in this way adding it all up... I am alone.

I'm so very alone.

[pinkvision]

Hi LittleBribri

Your experiences in life are so different that no one will really be able to comprehend or imagine your situation. Rather than talking to professional people, except of course for your medical issues you may want to find other people who have been in a similar situation of being kidnapped and the experiences within that. I'm not sure how you will find other people that have had these experiences. You may want to search out 'famous cases' of kidnap victims and try to contact someone that was involved in that, either the person themself or someone that was involved after release. I just had a quick search on the web and there are plenty of sources but they seem to be written by people who have not experienced it. But it could be a start here is one site kidnappingsurvival.com/reco...

You have probably already searched, but if you have had no help so far I'd say go in again and don't give up. There must be some kind of online forum where people in your situation can express themselves.

Good luck, keep at it.

[jayne_h]

It must be very difficult. If you feel alone, maybe there is a local lunch club with volunteers who can give you a lift? I know some people who do that and it can lead to making a few friends, even if its just for a coffee or tea now and again. In turn, other people there might like to have more company. It can be very uplifting to know there are good people out there.

Hope things improve for you soon