Hello..

I felt totally rubbish today- it's been building up but I just feel I really struggle to look after my son, everyone tells me how good he is but I worry constantly that I'm not being a good enough mum. I'm also really behind with everything and look a total mess so thankfully his grandmother had him for a few hours today so I managed to go gym and make some appointments. The gym session was my (overdue) 6 week check and I have improved my overall strength so that was worth it. Also got acupuncture, haircut and eye test booked so am feeling slightly less out of sync with the world around me. Just wish I could fix my brain as easily as I seem to have a black cloud above my head and I am not being melodramatic, that's just the way it is. Hope everyone is doing fine

[Hidden]

If people tell you how good your son is - believe them. OK, he probably isn't always angelic at home but that is a normal child. So long as he gets plenty of love and consistency from you, you are doing fine. You are certainly not rubbish or your son wouldn't be such a nice child to other people.

Try to keep up with your gym, hair etc appointments as it will make you feel so much better in yourself which will help with your self-esteem. Maybe grandma could have him a bit more often for you?

Wishing you a better day tomorrow.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for your kind words. Very uplifting and nice to hear. I feel ok now and relaxed. You know what it's like when you just want to tell someone your day- well I have no-one so use this to voice my feelings on today as it was a busy one for me. 3 positive phone calls and such a positive feedback from gym- it's a lot to take in! For me to stick at something, and something physical for 8 weeks- in which I went 10 times is bloody amazing! And 3 successful phone calls!! Feeling quite the opposite of rubbish, such severe mood swings and feelings. He is an angel and that is due to me, I have suffered but am glad I did! And yes wish I could keep up with 'me' things as I quite like it now I make an effort to do it. The grandmother is paternal and therefore quite distant, and in my eyes doesn't do enough but that is another story. In fact I wouldn't want her around any more so that's fine!

It's nice when things go well

[swedishblue]

Mother's guilt complex...I know this feeling well. It's more difficult when you have a brain injury to perform at your best all the time. Equally important to spend separated time doing what is best for you. It sounds like you need a break, so well done for taking the opportunity. Could you ask his grandmother if she could spare one day a week, or a morning/afternoon to look after him? Without the brain injury its very emotionally challenging/draining to be always in charge of a little one, without much respite, and very normal to feel quite low when your own needs are not being met. We are susceptible to low mood anyway so even more important to create calm and relaxation where you can. I think January is the worse month for feeling the blues too. Just wait for spring, hopefully it will elevate your mood. I'm always outdoors walking in the countryside (borrowing a dog) to improve my mood. We've had some glorious days recently in the South, it almost feels like its spring. So I really recommend fresh air and sunshine as the perfect tonic as well!

[Hidden]

Thank you, I sort of know all of this but it's hard for me to get things in order in my brain and to function well for my son. Everything changed when I had him as I was no longer important and I had someone who was totally dependent on me. Really shocked me at first! My mother will be here to stay soon enough- I won't need the paternal side so that will be a relief! Yes Spring will be nice- hopefully it will bring a time when my son sleeps through the night!! I haven't had a full nights sleep for about 4 years

[swedishblue in reply to Hidden]

Aqua, it sounds really tough on you. I take it you are a lone parent? I was as well, although my daughter was 14 when I suffered a sah, just when puberty/teenage years struck. My god, I don't know who had it hardest! I was out of my mind and so was she!!

There was a really interesting article in the Guardian online yesterday re; "how becoming a mother changes you", that might help you to realise it isn't all about the brain injury, but what a cataclysmic alteration it is.

theguardian.com/lifeandstyl...

[Hidden in reply to swedishblue]

I will read that asap! Looks interesting.. Yes I am on my own as my relationships never seem to be healthy. Don't think I can read people or situations properly

[TiredNan]

Hi aqua,

just looking in on you. I bet you are a fab mum please try not to feel guilty.

It's hard being a mum , as you say, you are so responsible for another little person.

Try and find a bit of time for yourself, good idea to keep up with all the things you did today.

Hope you have a decent nights sleep and sending you warmest thoughts x

[Hidden]

Thank you, think In was just overwhelmed with life yesterday! Had my acupuncture appointment- turns out I have something wrong with my ankles, probably sprained or twisted years ago as my pain is so deep within doctor said (probably in accident) and other muscles are trying to compensate. Explains my back problems! Glad getting that sorted now