I’m recently # PD r hand L leg tremors + usual list. Partner is not coping, blaming me for listening to Drs whose pharma drugs have caused PD. So basically it’s self inflicted & all in my head! Concurrent with the PD diagnosis journey we retired and more blame on me for failing to work .
So my PD brain can’t argue or fight back but it is quick to foster self harm thoughts as I’m constantly told how inconvenient me & PD & it’s limitations are to our retirement plans.
I foster her getting out @ mixing in happy places, I do domestic duties all day,
She sees support group participation as an admission of failure…have only just joined my local PD group.
Forgive my whiny whinging wailing.. I just need to be heard & understood
This group, yes you reading this now, has, at times kept me sane, inspired, hopeful, less woeful & afloat! Thanks heaps
P
Mellow…
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MellowYellowcup
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For what it is worth: I have had good relationships and not good relationships. The word I use to describe the most recent one is "toxic". I've been living in splendid isolation for many years now and love it. My spiritual practice fills that space that used to be filled by relationship.
Park Bear, you're such an integral part of this community.........that toxic person's loss is our gain. I too can happily self-isolate, but I know not everyone can, and my heart goes out to those whose significant others abandon them emotionally.
MellowYellowcup, a Parkinson's diagnosis is so traumatic, a kind of death sentence for the future people had envisioned for themselves. You seem to be looking for ways to cope with the new normal, but your wife seems to still be in denial and lashing out in frustration. I don't suppose couple's therapy would be possible? If not, please see a therapist solo. Thoughts of self harm aren't something you should have to deal with by yourself.
I'm not aware of any prescription drugs that 'cause' PD (although I could be wrong). Some drugs can cause 'Parkinsonism' but from my understanding that's very different.
You having PD is no more your fault than it is mine, or anyone else's.
If you're both retired then why are you to blame for not working?
I think a support group is important for you if you don't feel heard at home.
I would worry that this is the woman you may need to rely on to look after you in years to come. Have you got other family members around?
To be fair, it's hard to gauge the dynamics of a marriage based on your post but I think it sounds unhealthy to say the least. Perhaps you're just having a dip in your relationship and some honest conversations may help? She may be struggling / scared too.
I'm only recently diagnosed but I can't tell you how much the support I've had on here has helped.
Keep posting Mellow, I'm sure others will come along with some advice. I just wanted to let you know that you're heard and understood
Its in many people's nature to look for someone to blame when their plans get kyboshed.Your partner may not be a strong person and as is often the case in life it's easier to blame the victim.
You need to stay strong in your understanding that you are not to blame (unless you were deliberately sniffing paraquat 😊 of course ).
Hopefully in time she'll eventually self reflect on her words.
I too wondered whether your partner was blaming you and the meds just because she's upset - anger/blaming is one of the stages of grief, right? But it sure can't be easy to hear. And you definitely can't make yourself a slave to your partner long-term.
Let's hope she soon moves on, accepts what's happened and begins to access some of the resources that you and others have mentioned - peer support groups, counselling etc.
Otherwise the future for both of you looks pretty hellish, in which case you might consider changing your domestic circumstances sooner rather than later.
I admire your own acceptance of your diagnosis and wish all the best for you and your partner.
I empathize with you.Can't give you any sage advice here. I can just implore you to understand your partner's pain.
She must be scared to death thinking of her future, individually and as a caretaker. The PD information available is all gloom and doom, and does not give any hope. Only both of you have to go through this... together.
During times of crisis, we find out who our true friends and loved ones are. Your spouse is abusive and needs professional help. Tell her to stop making this about her! Tell one of her trusted siblings or friends what she is doing and ask them to talk to her.
Grab your camera and record one of her rants, then play it back to her the next day. Years ago, I worked in Inside Sales and when clients were abusive - I put them on speaker phone and told them the whole office is listening. Amazing how quickly they behaved themselves.
Strange but true, my WWP at one point blamed me for her PD.I do my best as a carer and at times and cry inside to see such a change and the fact I can't make her better.
I've looked into lots of varies supplements and other factors hence on this site.
One being how Helicobacter Pylori ( HP)
can have an effect on the doze of Levodopa taken.
Who knows if one day I'll find something, after all, PD affects everyone differently.
Recently, only yesterday ( Friday) been researching, "How a common antifungal drug could help stop brain disease"
Dear all ( yes there are a lot of replies! ) I can feel the support...thankyou immensely ! As I free up a window I promise to ruminate & reply as there is a lot to reflect on in the replies below. Ciao
Beginning with this mornings breakthru...an unsolicited apology which I graciously (with caution) accepted.
Hi MelowYellowCupI can relate to your situation to some extent. Different reactions from my partner and no blame for my illness but an inability to empathize with suffering coming from an inability to empathize with his own early suffering.
Im learning a few things.
First, patience. Im living beside b
him. He is my one nearby neighbour. Were both expats
When i had to go to hospital he was the only one to take me. I was enormously grateful for the healthy food he brought, and enormously hurt for his stonewalling, dishonesty, and other behaviors. I learned that i have to bit by bit reclaim the centre of my life.My God is the only one that deserves that place. Im still in that process. Letting go of wanting to be understood and treated with consideration. Humbly accept that he is unable to go further without help right now. Pray for him and focus on my need for support.
I wish i could change my situation but theres no accommodation available so keep it friendly but minimal expectation is the best i can do
It sounds that your spouses ideology of illness is influencing her behavior. Dont let it influence your thinking. You deserve kindness and compassion. We all do. I hope our warmth even though we are far away can soothe some of your pain. Stay in touch. God bless. Chelo
“Letting go of wanting to be understood and treated with consideration. “
So true, many here have deep hard won resilience! My cry for help & these many encouraging, insightful responses has polished & strengthened my resilience
I do understand .. keep in mind that this is a temporary phase of adjustment and with Gods help can lead to a deeper and better relationship. Really!!! And most of us did sign up for it when we pledged before witnesses “ for better or for worse.”😃😃👰♀️🤵♂️🤵♂️
Mellow, I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. PD is hard enough, then throw in an unsympathetic/toxic partner, wow, like others said, hopefully she will come around, but if she doesn't you need to take care of yourself first. Stress only makes things worse, especially for us with PD. One thing I was thinking is some PD meds can cause depression/thoughts of self harm so please ask your Dr. or look them up just to make sure side effects are not making your feelings even worse. Hang in there my friend, life's got all these peaks and valleys and you are in one of those crappy valleys right now. Sending peace & love and strength to you.
Mellow, I am sorry you are having to deal with PD and an unsupportive spouse. Just know you are not alone and this group is extremely supportive and knowledgeable. Hang in there!
Time to leave the relationship... she ain't gonna change , only will get more critical- you can find a compassionate person who will love u unconditionally. My advice get out and circulate and cut her free..
This sounds so tough MellowYellowcup. To have to deal with PD and also be blamed for it is brutal. But I know us humans would often rather be angry than deal with pain, loss and fear so perhaps you’re on the receiving end of those projected feelings. Please know you don’t have to take that on. It’s up to your wife to deal with her tough feelings. As a therapist working with couples, I would often advise people to get curious when there are intense emotions in another. Asking, “what’s going on with you? “ or “where is this anger coming from?” in a truly curious way not only helps to illicit more info but also puts the responsibility for the emotion back on the one who owns it. You need compassion and empathy and I hope you know you deserve those from anyone who claims to love you.
I also find that letter writing is helpful when we have somethings to express that we fear might be hard to say. It helps us to be clearer about our needs and our boundaries. Hope this is helpful but feel free to tell me if it’s not advice you need.
Hope the support group works out great. Peace to you 🙏
would you like to have faith in God? Would you like to believe that heaven awaits those who love God? Faith hope and love are gifts from God. Just ask God for faith hope and love. Tell God you’re sorry if you have hurt Him. If He’s there and you are sincere you twill receive a nice surprise! If He’s not there, no harm done.🥰
I hear you. I have experienced family members and friends that seem to lack empathy? Some of these people, after trying to explain what I can and can’t do due to my PD, I have had to minimize time with them for my health and sanity. Hope you find some resolution that works for you.
Hi Mellow,There has been a lot of great advice and support from this wonderful group, so I hope I'm not being too repetitive.
Hostility from your "primary" loved one when you need them most, feels a lot like being abandoned, and that wound can run deep. I'm curious about how that wound might be felt by your wife, who may be feeling "abandoned" by who she thought you and your Golden years would be.
While that sounds like a reasonable explanation for her behaviour, it isn't an excuse! We and our negative behaviour can be a product of a dysfunctional childhood, but once we are adults, we are products of ourselves.
You cannot heal your wife, make her happy, fix this for her or do anything to make things ok. Only she can do that. I'm wondering if, by the things you've said, you've already spent the best part of yourself trying to do that for her the last 30 or more years.
This time, give yourself the best part of you. Be selfish and ask yourself every day, "what do I need right now?" and then look around for the best way to meet it.
Yes, she might take responsibility for her behaviour and be there for you and I sincerely hope that happens. But don't wait for her to catch up. Lean on those who get you and are able to lift you up where deserve to be.
I have a Golf Driving Range pass to use belting golf balls...it is 2 months old. A little bit of ME time eh!
Today I scored a confirmation that I'm being nominated for a Board position at a local NFP organization...more ME time adding value to others and myself.
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