Thoughts about Parkinson's, Fatigue and Life in General

[mleec]

Good morning World,

(*This is not meant to be negative, just sharing my thoughts.)

Every day, every minute, every second of the day we are making decisions, good, bad, or ugly. There is so much I want to accomplish and so many satisfying opportunities. Maybe that is the problem, the world does have too many options. Analysis paralysis is a real thing. I can’t make a decision without thinking of all of the other things that I want to do, or need to do. At this point in my life I should be living to do whatever I want, and I think I do for the most part. However, doing for others has always been my nature and provides me with contentment and satisfaction. For example, I would like to have a small job, maybe two days a week or volunteer. Sounds like a great idea. However, I begin to stress myself thinking about how I am going to exercise, picking up my grandkids, housework, events with friends and time for myself. I hesitate to make a commitment if I cannot follow through. So let’s go through another analysis. (snicker)

First, I am tired, not dead, but tired. I am not being dramatic, but I was diagnosed with Parkinson’s in 2017, not the end of the world, but it’s no picnic either. Exhaustion with any neurological disease is very real, so how I time my activities is extremely important. On any given day, there are a variety of essential appointments, picking up grandkids, maintenance of my living space and my own time. Being retired you would think it is not a problem. It is a problem, because I still expect to get everything accomplished as I did in my 30’s to 50’s! I was a whirlwind of accomplishment, very type A. I felt good about doing for other people, that gave me satisfaction, or so I thought. And yes, it did, but it was at the expense of losing myself.

Enters Parkinson’s with its mighty sword, ah ha! Talk about being knocked down a peg. I have had to say “NO” to a lot of things. “No" was not in my vocabulary, but guilt was certainly there if I didn’t say “YES”. Dare I say that Parkinson’s is a blessing? Maybe, because I am finally forced to say “No”. Setting boundaries without feeling guilty is extremely difficult. It is taking time to adjust. Some days I can slay the dragon, other days the dragon is torching my back. Balance…how do I get there?

Over the past couple of months, I have been a little preoccupied with death. My preoccupation is not just about Parkinson's, but includes everything else happening in the world. I have been working on my grandkids journals, crocheting like crazy, giving the items to people I love or not love, writing letters to people I want to thank for giving me such a wonderful life and making amends with others. In fact, I have run into people that I haven’t seen in years. I feel like the universe is trying to tell me something. And though I eat a relatively healthy diet, I have eaten copious amounts of ice cream lately. As much as I love kale salad, I don’t want it to be my last meal.

So, after this little synopsis of my current life, I suppose I feel a little less guilt about saying “no”. Because I know that I could be gone on any given day. Eat the ice cream, tell someone you love them, forgive others and yourself!

Sometimes writing thing down makes things a little more clear.Thank you for letting me share. Have an awesome day!

[PDFree]

Love this! There are pieces of me throughout your post. Thanks for writing this!

[Brown-dog]

Ditto with areas of your post for me also and I'm sure many of us with PD. I will also try writing things down to "clear the head". All the best to everyone on their journeys on this and other health issues.