Some People Just Like To Argue - How To Shut Down The Interminable Argument

[park_bear]

youtube.com/watch?v=hca7gqr...(Not working as expected?)

Transcript:

So today we're going to be talking about the key phrases you can use to disarm a narcissist ... Whose agenda it is to get you to mirror back to them the sense that they are more important than you ... Remember a narcissist is preoccupied with this sense of importance. And they really lack the ability to connect with other people emotionally they see people as things they see people and relationships and experiences as opportunities for them...it's important that we recognize that the way a narcissist behaves in a relationship it's all about being able to one-up you and so when you use key phrases to disarm them it can't happen because you're saying I'm not playing this game anymore.

When you go toe-to-toe with the narcissist, when you argue with the narcissist, when you get into a text war with the narcissist, when you get into a verbal war with the narcissist, when you go to a place like well I don't want the narcissist to think they won you are in trouble. Because ... A narcissist doesn't mind fighting you in that situation and they will have more stamina. Because they are not emotionally invested ... like you are. So people are like pawns. So they're going to be able to have these types of conversations and dynamics a lot longer than you are. So keep that in mind.

So the number one key phrase that you can use to disarm a narcissist is "I can accept your faulty perception of ...." What you're saying to someone who's calling you names is: okay. So okay that's how you feel I can accept it. What we do wrong ... Is we defend ourselves or we attack them back. Our ego attacks back which is normal. Someone's saying something about [the treatment] that's not true, and your ego's like, what? ... You want to fight this person back. But once you identified someone as a narcissist you have to know that they're trying to trigger you. They want to exhaust you so when you say okay..." I accept your faulty perception." They don't know what to do because you're just not fighting back.

The second key phrase you can use is wow I'm really sorry you feel [or think] that way. Now that is you not arguing. You're not saying this is open for a discussion. You are completely surrendering to how this person is feeling and you're not willing to argue with their feelings [or thoughts]. So you're saying okay I'm sorry you feel that way. ... It's a very powerful key phrase because it's telling the narcissist I'm not going there. So it puts the power back into your hands... What you're basically saying is it's okay you think this, you think that and I'm not going to argue with you. So what the narcissist wants to do is the narcissist is trying to get your goat. The narcissist wants to trigger you. Remember what a narcissist wants to do is stay on top. ... So when they're coming at you they're coming at you and they're actually empowered by the fight. ... a narcissist is actually going to feed off of it. When you say it's okay you know I can't control how you see [reality] the narcissist is disarmed. And if you continue with that perception, if you ... refuse to bite on the hook you win.

...

The next key phrase is you know what, "I don't think I want to argue about this anymore." So you're saying like I accept that we're gonna leave this statement here. So many of us go round and round in dysfunctional relationships and toxic relationships and unhealthy relationships. Relationships with narcissists or relationships with people who are just dysfunctional. Nothing ever gets settled and we don't like that if you're a normal person you want resolution. But how you can disarm a narcissist is by saying I guess we have to leave the conversation here. I guess you know we can accept that we're at this crossroads and we can just end the conversation. I'm not willing to argue about this anymore. You're saying it's okay that you're upset it's okay that we don't have resolution.

Another powerful statement is I can accept how you feel. Now when we say to someone who is highly narcissistic I can accept how you feel essentially what you're saying is there's nothing to argue about like I see the ... bait. Remember that when we are involved with narcissists what ends up happening is we never see the hook we only see the bait. So when we're learning to use key phrases we've already identified someone as highly narcissistic and we're saying I don't want to bite anymore. So now you're seeing the hook you're seeing that the name-calling you're seeing that you know him or her saying things about you was trying to get you to bite this hook. ... When you say I can accept how you feel you disarmed the narcissist because they don't want you to accept how they feel. They want you to battle them back. So when you say I can accept how you feel[or think] you are disarming the narcissist.

Another key phrase is "your perceptions are your perceptions". So what you're saying is I don't have to argue with you about your perceptions. A narcissist is going to want to engage you. A narcissist is going to want you to battle their perceptions. A narcissist is going to say something that is off-the-wall just to infuriate you. Just to get you to engage. Their hope is to be able to manipulate you and just suck the energy out of you and to infuriate you to push your buttons. That is the way an a narcissist gets energy from the relationship. So when you say your perceptions are your perceptions what you're saying is, I can accept all of this. I can accept that you're angry, I can accept that how you see me, I can accept your faulty perception of me. Your anger is not my responsibility. It's okay that you're angry I can accept how you feel. You are in a complete non resistant state with this narcissist. If you can keep that up inside your conversations with the narcissist you win. Once you've identified someone as a narcissist and this is really important the last thing that you want to do is tango with them because you're not going to win. The best that will happen is that this person will know that you're not willing to engage with them anymore and they'll eventually leave you alone. So I hope these key phrases help you disarm the narcissist in your life.

[LindaP50]

Like the helpful phrases.

Sometimes, when face-to-face with someone, walking away works too! Or say something like Where did the time go? Have to go now, Chow. 😀

[MBAnderson]

Brilliant. I have a daughter who was married to one. So tiresome. Are a lot of women?

[Gymsack in reply to MBAnderson]

Park_bear

I like your subject but your recommendations are a bit complicated

I usually just tell them to Piss off and then walk away

hitting them never works

they are usually also Elitists and have close relationships with Clubs and usually were professionals. They think that there is only one best way of doing things and that way is the methods used by their mentor, the head what not on the shelf usually president of the club.

They and their friends are far superior to every one else.

Here comes the part that will draw the comments

Retired Teachers, I dont even stop to say hi, just keep on walking and ignore them.

[park_bear in reply to Gymsack]

I agree with keeping it simple. The one sentence version:

Do not waste your energy engaging with narcissists - they are just looking to provoke and feed off of that energy

[chartist in reply to park_bear]

park_bear,

To do otherwise is a complete waste of your time!

Art

[MBAnderson in reply to Gymsack]

I find teachers just the opposite.

[Zella23 in reply to MBAnderson]

Thanks! I’m an ex primary school teacher and found once somebody knew I was they would blame me for all the problems their children had at school! I don’t usually say what I did unless I know my audience!

[beehive23]

nice.....

[Boscoejean]

I would venture it is much easier to walk away from these conversations online than in person

[ddmagee1]

Excellent post! Thanks for sharing this! I’ve lived with a super-narcissist, in my family, nearly my whole life, and it has been very difficult, and affected all of my relationships, with my immediate family! I have used some of your ideas, and solutions, to help me deal with the narcissism!

[HekateMoon]

Great tactics, ParkBear...i recently was coaching a young person to use them. Not becoming engaged is best, but if you must is best not to defend, justify ourselves or explain anything. They just feed on it.