Does anyone feel guilty for just having a normal day,when a family member is so ill.??

[laddy3]

My Brother who is married is a Paraplegic with Dementia.i took care of my mum for 4yrs with the same illness, Vascular Dementia ,she was on Risperidon anti phycotic drug ,my brother can not take this due to heart attacks and his condition .He is also on Dialisis 3 times a wk so as you can imagine his life is terrible ,he is on Tramazon which is defo not helping ,he see,s spiders in his food is awake most nights hallucinating ,screaming ,his wife is at her wits end ,and as much as i am there she seems to want to do it alone ,so all i can do is call ,he seems nasty insulting to her and God Bless her it seems to never end .

He has not lost his mind completely ,but seems to be happening way too quick ,he is 59..

My brother is the only family i have left now as mum passed away last yr i kept her at home till the end ,what i feel sick about is if it gets too much for his wife which i am sure it will ,can i take over ?

Jeez am not explaining this too well eh .

i sometimes feel sooo guilty if i have a feel gd day knowing they both are having such a hard time,.

Thanks for listening feel so bad as there is not a tablet that can help him my heart is heavy x

[DeParkiePoet]

Dear One: do not feel badly for something over which you have NO control. All life suffers. You follow your heart which is compassionate and caring! Guilt does not serve you or them, Help where you can and cry if you must but stop feeling badly about feeling Good, that does not help them or you cope. Love them and love yourself... All's well that ends...

[laddy3 in reply to DeParkiePoet]

Thank you so much for the kind words makes a lot of sense ,and nice to know someone somewhere was listening first time i have posted ,and voiced my thoughts so once gain Many Many Thanks x

[marmaduke123]

Hi laddy3....what can I say but some people are given a heavy load to carry without doubt. I hear what you're saying and can empathise with some of it having looked after my own mother until she passed 3years ago. Sometimes it's enough just to voice how you're feeling and to know you've been heard. His wife must feel obliged if that's the word to use to care for his every need and like you probably feels guilty if she stops for a while and let's others take over. She's probably so involved in what must be a roller coaster of duties that she doesn't know how to stop. I do feel your brother needs to be medically reviewed regarding his medication etc and a proper home package organised that qualified carers come and take over at specific times so she'd have to take time out. It would probably be difficult at first but she'd get over the guilt of leaving him and would benefit from some time to herself. You would also feel better, less guilty and possibly you could be designated on a specific day to mind your brother for a few hours which would give you your own special time with him while also feeling that your helping in his care. That would be something to smile for.....a happier healthier situation all round....good luck

[laddy3 in reply to marmaduke123]

Hi Marmaduke thank you so much for taking the time to reply ,really appreciate it , sigh it is so complicated my brother is so aggressive ,he would not let anyone in to help ,he thinks there is nothing wrong with him ,thinks he can fight this illness sadly it is a battle he cannot but it gives him hope ,as he most defo has been a fighter all his life ,and care homes cannot deal with his condition so would have to be Hospital seems pretty hopeless all round .these things are sent to try us right !! lol..

Hope you are getting over the passing of your mum i miss mine so much parents are priceless eh .

Thanks once again for kind words ,and for taking the time to reply .

Many Many Thanks .

[paulahense]

I grew up with an older brother with muscular dystrophy. It had a large impact on me and my five other brothers. At 72 with PD I realize that on my worst days I feel better than he did on his best days throughout his life . My problem started at about 67. His suffering started at birth. Sometimes we need to count our blessings.

[laddy3 in reply to paulahense]

Indeed Paul wish i could ease your pain can,t be easy thanks for the great insight i do count my blessings all the time x

[Kadie57]

Guilt is a waste of your energy. While it sad about your brother & his wife, you are still living and breathing and need some help. Help to regain your life and so does his wife, NOW THIS IS THE HARSH REALITY, HE NEEDS PROFESSIONAL HELP, Nothing to gain if his wife and you have something happens to you both. You have choices now but if you both are gone who makes choices on his behalf? Think long and hard on seeking professional help. at least a weekend help would give you breaks. Let us know how things go. Take Care! ((HUGS))

[laddy3 in reply to Kadie57]

Many thanks for the kind words so appreciated ..yes having gone through the same thing with my mum i know we need help .God Bless for your kindness x

[PatV]

Not to deny your feelings, but do find a minute to enjoy something every day, the sunset, the cartoons. For all we know your brother enjoys his anger. I think my mom did, fighting with my sister in her final years. Not the way I'd want to live, but live and let live. Love yourself and appreciate your life. You'll be more helpful. That's my humble opinion for what it's worth. All the best to you.

[laddy3 in reply to PatV]

Thank you so much Pat and yes your opinion is worthy after all you have been there ,as i before ,since mum died i actually get out now lol..so go to a loch nearby and appreciate the swans ,and the ducks walk 5 mile a day it,s my sister in law who has the burden so to spk we all have our cross to bear in this lifetime i actually hope i have and do make a difference to one,s who are not so fortunate .

[PatV in reply to laddy3]

Sounds lovely , laddy3, enjoy your walk and all that. I'm sure you will make a difference. We can either create value and improve the world, or not

[Calusa]

She needs to get medication help for him. Make sure meds are not interacting, and to make sure those are the best meds for his condition. Then she needs a support team of doctors, nurses, and home aid.

[laddy3 in reply to Calusa]

Thank you for taking the time to reply.and advice ,she already has most of what you have suggested ,but sadly none of the meds are working ,as he is limited in what meds he can take ..all so complicated eh ,once again Many Many thx x

[laddy3]

Hi all first time i have turned to any site for advice and to share my troubles ,even when i was alone taking care of my mum ,i was so overwhelmed i never gave it a thought to seek help via a site ,want you all to know i am so grateful for advice ,and support i have been given Many Many Thanks to you all dont feel so alone now x

[Calusa]

Hello Laddy 3, This is real time to support your sister in law. Call her everyday, bring over a lunch or dinner, come with coffee and a flower from the yard, drop off some fruit, bring over a funny movie, tell her a funny story. Ask to sit for your brother, so she can do an errand. Clean and vacuum her car. Just some suggestions --- to let her know you can help.

[marmaduke123]

they are lovely suggestions calusa..well done. if you dont mind i will take note of them and put them into action as opportunities arise around me.