Dad is putting me in a situation

[Burntoutdaughter]

My father is 92, bed ridden and has care 4 times a day. I do everything else, washing, shopping, doctors , financing etc

He keeps phoning me up asking me to get him beer or gin. He’s on medication which says you can’t take alcohol with it. So I’ve said no. I’ve fought really hard for him to stay at home when they wanted to take him into hospital because he didn’t want to go there.

now he’s phoning calling me selfish for not getting him any alcohol as I’m the only one who could do it for him.

i explained why he couldn’t have it and that he was putting me in an uncomfortable situation, but he can’t see it. He just thinks I’m trying to control his life, when all I’m trying to do is stop his health getting worse.

[FredaE]

if your father is 92 you are unlkely be young enough to be bullied by an naughty old man. Make joke of it and tell him he is old enough to know better than to think you , his loving daughter, are going to give him something that will make him worse. . THEN absolutely refuse to discuss it further.. You KNOW is is the right thing to do. ....but you are sufficiently conflicted to make him think he can get his own way .You have no need to convince him which is just as well as you never will. He HAS lost control of this part of his life . You have enough on your plate without this sort of pressure. ....It is of course possible that he understands very well and is saying he would be willing to die, literally,.. for a swig of gin..might be worth a very gentle exploration od assisted dying .( thats something else you cant be responible for)

[Burntoutdaughter in reply to FredaE]

Thank you, I guess I just wish he could see where I’m coming from. But he seems to have developed a very single minded approach over the last 5 years. I will definitely do as you suggested

[Lesteresa]

You are absolutely right not to buy him alcohol. I know exactly how you feel when you do everything for someone and it is still not enough. My Mum is now bedridden and despite everything I do for her she says that I won't do as she asks. I am currently living with her and have been for the last 6 weeks. She does have mild Dementia and hates being on her own and calls for me all the time. I am feeling so exhausted and it's so good when I can get an hour to myself here and there. I absolutely feel for you and my heart goes out to you. Maybe get a medical person to tell him that no alcohol allowed with his medication although he may know that you have spoken to the person. Many hugs 🤗🤗🤗

[Burntoutdaughter in reply to Lesteresa]

You must be totally exhausted! When my mum was in the first stages of Alzheimer’s it was a 24 hour job.

I could barely sleep with worry. She’s now to poorly to be at home as it’s not safe for her or my dad, and she loves her care home, the staff are fantastic with her. Maybe at some point you may need to consider a care home for your mum. I really didn’t want her to go as I thought she would hate it, but she seems to love it there.

I’m just going to stick to my guns and tell him no, and that I’m not prepared to speak about it again.

Hopefully he’ll stop asking

Xx

[Lesteresa in reply to Burntoutdaughter]

Thank you. She will definitely not go into a home. It is her biggest nightmare and cries at the idea and thought of being in one. She wants to be at home and I have to respect her wishes. Take good care & we have to remember that this is normal. 🤗🤗

[Oshgosh in reply to Burntoutdaughter]

You can get alcohol free Guineas and other stuff My husband likes the Guinness. I agree with the comments about potential sedatory effects being the only side effects. Xx

[Pole]

Id let him have a beer 🍺 not very strong so won't do much harm if he's bedridden not exactly going to fall over or anything!!!!!When I looked after my dad he swore by a whiskey, as his mum had one everyday and she lived to 94!!!! When i lost him couple of years ago broke my heart 💔💔 I made a bottle of whiskey with gravey granules in a belles whiskey bottle and took it to the cemetery, always makes me smile 😃 xx

[JulesUK]

I have a few views on this. Firstly, and importantly, what does the medication say? I have medication myself that says on the box “avoid alcohol”. When I researched it’s because it can increase a sedative effect. I only take it late at night so no concerns about driving etc and perhaps decide on what the risks are for your father; what does drinking on the tablets actually cause? Is it a potential long term problem which maybe at his age really doesn’t apply or would it make a big difference to his day to day living? Secondly, my friend is a carer and I remember she told me about a situation when she was caring for someone long term who was in their late years and she had been told by the daughter not to allow her to have a drink. The person had always had a sherry before bed and my friend said that it distressed the lady (and her) so very much and that my friend felt that one drink, given her current end of life situation would have given the person just a little sense of joy which was denied. We also discussed why what the relative wants takes prescient over what the person themselves wants. I know your sense of love and doing the right thing for your father takes over, and as someone who is also a carer I really do not make light of the time, love, effort, great stress and how draining this can emotionally be but I can’t but feel that if it was me at 92 if I could take a little pleasure in a drink knowing that my end was near I would take it.