Hi all,I received a call from adult social care today , they are coming tomorrow to see how they can help us.
I contacted them last October for help so I can continue to work.
I am nervous that my husband will get mad and refuse help.
Although I did tell him I had done this and need help to carry on helping him. He will have forgot.
Does anybody have any words of wisdom from experience how it will go please?
My husband has korsakoff, liver and kidneys disease and his mobility is terrible.
He has hip necrosis, arthritis in his knee and 4 fractures in his spine.
He hasn't washed or changed his clothes in weeks, he sleeps in them.
He is in denial although still drinking 15-20 bottles of lager daily.
He eats very little.
He never leaves the house or even into the garden unless he has to attend a medical appointment.
I have been working from home for 3 years but my employer can no longer support that. I was told last October I had to return to the office. I had a breakdown with the thought of leaving him alone and Sent off sick. I was then told after a few months to consider a career break to care for him or they would look at dismissing me.
I start a career break in June. Obviously this will have a massive impact on our income . He hasn't worked for 5 years because of his health.
I am worried how tomorrow will go and really would appreciate some support to care for him so I can take care of me too.
Sorry for such a long post.
Always feels comforting to know we aren't alone.
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Diamondbabe
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Sorry to hear of your troubles. I do think a career break is wise. Bear in mind though this may affect your entitlements to some benefits if you are still classed as employed. It's also worth asking how long they will give you off. I work in HR and it sounds like they have been good to you up to now but they may not be able to sustain it. I'm not sure why you aren't able to remain working at home though after all this time, do they have an occupational health team you could be referred to so they can look at adjustments that can be made? Maybe a hybrid arrangement so you only go in 2 days a week or something?
I'd ask the social worker if she can signpost you to a welfare benefits person so they can give you advice on what you are able to claim. I currently get PIP as I do work but I'm off long term sick.
If he's really determined to stay on the booze then sadly that's his choice and you don't need me to tell you that it won't end well. I'm assuming you've tried all the support services already? If not then ask your social worker about that too.
Hi Tizzwas, I had reduced my hours to work 3 days a week following his korsakoff diagnosis 3 years ago and working from home meant I wasn't worrying about him being alone.
I asked if I could remain at home following 5 months of stress related ill health. They did a OHS and it suggested to continue to support me at home, but they wouldn't
Ironically I work for DWP delivering Carers Allowance. They suggested a 2 year career break.
I have had to take my occ pension and I will claim carers allowance which will help.
Going to work and leaving him made me ill.
I love my job but hey the sacrifices we make for our loved ones.
I am hoping to go back when I either get support or he is no longer here.
Oh bless you hun I'm really sorry you've had to deal with all this. You clearly know the score in terms of what you're entitled to but it's always good to ask the social worker.I hope they're of some use to you anyway x
Hi, I have dealt with social adult care for my mother in law, she had dementia so completely different. It was one lady who came and she assessed the situation on her first visit and discussed how they could help the carer then what they could do for her. Very kind, but mother in law was having none of it and was very rude to them. They said they were quite used to that attitude as most people who are ill didnt want to admit to themselves that they needed the help. It sadly didn't work out as a different carer came each day and there was a lot of inconsistency between the carers, but as you need different help it could well be better. I was armed with a lot of questions for them and said exactly what I needed from them. I'm sure it's going to be different in all areas of the country. Hope you get some sort of help. Xx
Hi Oldbits I think I am hoping they can encourage him to take better care of his personal care. He doesn't listen to me and I am worried his sores will become infected again.
I would think he needs home physio to try and mobilise him again.
I have everything crossed the lady will be able to help and guide me for whatever is best for us both.
🤞 I hope you get a positive outcome to help you both. As someone else said, occupational health could help by giving the things he needs to take better care of himself. They gave motherinlaw a chair for the shower and extra rails up the stairs etc after she refused help from carers. Wishing you luck xx
You’ve done absolutely the right thing asking for help. I had social services involvement for my Geandmother. There are 2 aspects to what they do. 1) they will assess his care needs, 2) they will asses your finances to see who pays for that care.
As a result of assessing my grandmas needs they put railings at her steps to her front door. They sorted out 2 walkers one for indoors, one for outside. They gave her a trolly to put her dinner on to take it to her chair. They got her a ‘perching stool’ for the kitchen so she could perch whole making a cup of tea. They sorted out bathroom aids. They sorted out a bed rail to help her pull herself up in bed. They got her a special arm chair.
They may ask him how he does various things e.g get into the bath, bed etc Or they may arrange for occupational health to come and do that.
They’ll also assess his finances to see if they will pay to meet his needs, or if you’ll have to fund care yourself.
They’ll make recommendations about what he needs and should carry out reviews as his needs change.
My Grandma went from caring for herself, to having someone come once a week to give her a bath, to 5 days a week to do her meals. Then she went into a home. Each time we thought she needed more social services advised on what they could fund and gave us contacts for care agencies etc.
It can be a blow if you’re told you have to self fund, but at least you know what your loved one needs.
I’d also suggest talking to Citizens Advice about any benefits you may be able to get if Social Services don’t sorry it out for you.
Think about your needs too. What can they put in place that would enable you to go back to work ( if that’s what you want)? Is there respite care available to give you a break?
I know you’re not retirement age, but Age UK have some good info on social services that might also apply in your situation.
Good luck with your appointment. Have tissues available - it can get emotional!
Update on today's visit.What a lovely clever lady. Very respectful and knowledgeable.
She has done an occupational health referral for us to help with his personal care in the bathroom and a step so he can get out into the garden.
She suggested help with personal care and a lifeline for when I am out, but he refused.
When we stepped outside of earshot she asked about his drinking. She told me as things progress to contact her direct and she will come out and re-asses
I feel a weight has been lifting , knowing I have support.
I know your husband doesn’t want the personal care and the lifeline, but it he’s thinking of himself, not you. It might be worth talking to him about your needs, and see if he’ll accept some help for your sake. My Grandma wouldn’t hear of help at first. But when I explained that Mum was poorly herself and couldn’t do everything grandma wanted she agreed. (After a bit of foot stamping and ‘well I’ll just do it myself then’. ) Once she got people coming in she actually liked the company.
By lifeline, I’m assuming that’s like an alarm to call for help? Even if he only wore the alarm so that you can go out, that might be enough to give you a breath of fresh air and a change of scene.
The turning point for me with my Mum was when I tried to help her have a shower. It didn’t end well! We were both soaked, and I was fully clothed! 😂 At that point she said ‘ I think it’s time to call in the professionals’. I think it was because of what we’d been through with my grandma that she wanted to make it easy for me.
I’m really glad that you’ve got professional help now.
I think I might try that tact. See if I can help him in the shower. No doubt it won't go well, but he may then realise how I can't help him on my own.X
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