New family member of cirrhosis sufferer

[Dizzie14]

Hi my husband has alcoholic cirrhosis and pretty well all the associated complications but according to him he is fine and living his life the way he wants. He gets up to go to work at 5.30 to go work to fund his habit and pay the debts. I am so depressed we have no support and he won’t go to his hospital appointments. It always ends with me dialling 999 when I know he is really sick which has been with peritonitis twice. Which way can I turn I am so lost.

[AyrshireK]

I always feel badly for people like yourself who are watching a loved one literally drinking themselves to death. Sadly you are in the horrid situation of so desperately wanting to help but being thwarted by your husbands addiction. There is a support group for loved ones of alcoholics at:- al-anonuk.org.uk/ Who might be able to offer support to you.

Sadly unless your husband accepts that he has a problem and addresses the alcohol use and attends the hospital appointments then he will not get better and you might need to start preparing yourself for a very unpleasant end.

Some forum members have gotten to the very brink and following hospital intervention have majorly improved or improved enough to go on to be considered for transplant assessment and successful transplant but this will require a big commitment from your hubby to get to this stage.

Sadly, we've had a very experienced forum member leave the site this week and she'd been where you are now and very unfortunately her husband didn't make it. You have to protect yourself in all this.

I wish you all the very best.

Katie x

[Dizzie14 in reply to AyrshireK]

Thank you Katie you have said what I know will happen. His daughter comes home from NZ in a month and I want to get him to that point which will either make or break him because he won’t listen to me.

[Hidden in reply to AyrshireK]

Dear Katie

I just wanted to say it's very sad news about a member losing her husband recently and has now left the forum!

Your reply was also well written and liked by myself!-

Regards Trish x

[AyrshireK in reply to Hidden]

It was Laura009 I was referring to as I knew she'd be able to support this new poster. There were technical problems and it looked like we'd lost Laura from the forum (she gone Hidden) anyway all is well she is back and already sharing her story and support.

[Laura009 in reply to AyrshireK]

Thanks Katie xx

[Pongo123123 in reply to AyrshireK]

I feel so sorry knowing intimately what you have been through but you can take small revenge.Write to your MP letting him know the pain drink has caused you.I am no bible thumper and not against drink but am against something that sells cheap for fat profits and misery. Join a site,promote banning strong beer,tripling the price,cut times alcohol can be sold.Its more deadly than fags yet ignored as a killer.Please accept my sympathy but if you love him,fight now.You may well loose him anyway so bring it to the boil,don't stand it and call police if he warrants it.I saved my son,just.But never give up.All my love.

[AyrshireK in reply to Pongo123123]

Hi Pongo, you seem to have ressurected a 4 year old thread here, sadly the poster did go on to lose her loved one.Katie

[TT-2018]

I would try to either speaking to your GP or the Hospital treating him about support, it should be available. He is not fine with Cirrhosis, it comes with numerous complications and it gets to the point where they become obvious.

I just about managed to carry on working but mostly from home, before my transplant.

I wish you every success in dealing with your situation and please, look after yourself.

Mark

[Dizzie14 in reply to TT-2018]

Thank you his GP is hopeless. I dragged him to see him a couple of months ago and he said he would send a referral. Two days later he was admitted with peritonitis. Hospital chucks him out telling him to stop drinking but with no support. I have referred him to local I access but he is working and can’t make the phone call or appointments. Thank you all for your support at least I know I am doing all I can but it is his choice.

[TT-2018 in reply to Dizzie14]

Maybe try again with the hospital, they are making progress in services around these issues but it has to be his decision. Please take care of yourself, it’s difficult to deal with this illness.

Mark

[Laura009 in reply to TT-2018]

Good to see you here again

[Hidden in reply to Laura009]

Agreed 🙂

[Laura009 in reply to Hidden]

And you Phoenix. And I know Richard is around too !! 😀 xx

[Hidden in reply to Laura009]

Do tell laura 😁

[Laura009 in reply to Hidden]

Nothing to tell really, just liked a message

[Laura009]

Hi Dizzie.

Everything you are going through, I have too. It's complete and utter torment and frustration. You know how ill your husband is but trying to make him understand he needs help not only medically but mentally too. Unfortunately where alcohol is concerned, without him admitting to himself and to you that he needs help with his addiction, medics are virtually powerless and can only treat each of the symtoms as they appear rather than the cause which also needs addressing. Those symptoms are terrifying enough to cope with let alone, without your husband trying to convince you he's fine.

All I can advise is what I did. See your GP yourself asap, explain everything about your husband, the amount he drinks, say you believe he needs to be hospitalised to be detoxed. Or call 999 again, and tell them the same. Either way that's what he needs and now.

At the moment hes working so he's classed as a functioning alcoholic but without pretty immediate attention he will rapidly deteriorate.

My husband went from where your husband is now to dead within 4 years and those 4 years were the toughest of my life.

I decided after several hospital stays, still ignoring the advice of his specialists, and him becoming unable to work, that I had to change my priorities from caring for him to looking after me and my children. I closed bank accounts to stop him stealing money to buy his cider. Sold his car so he couldnt drink drive anymore and I know it sounds callous, but checked his life insurance and pensions were still being paid.

I adored the man but alcohol stripped him of everything that was good in him.

Finally when I took him to live with his Mum because of the lies and deceit, he realised with the help of a 1 to 1 councellor that unless he gave up the drink he would lose his home and family... he had 2 choices.

With that amazing councellor he was dry for 3 months but was seriously ill. After a massive nosebleed one weekend he stayed with us he went to intensive care where i was told he needed a liver and kidney transplant both organs had failed, but needed to be alcohol free for another 3 months before he could even go on the list. He never made it, he died 10 days later.

Sorry about the long reply and apologies to those who've read my story so many times. But while people like us, trying to get through life with an alcoholic, I will keep telling it, in the hope that he will read it too, realise it's nothing to be ashamed of anymore, admit you have a problem and please get help, for yourself and your loved ones.

The only people who should be hanging their heads in shame are those promoting the alcohol industry.

I wish you all the luck in the world and that your husband sees sense before its too late.

Laura xx

[Hidden in reply to Laura009]

Laura, I don’t think you were at all callous checking pension and life insurances - it was great pragmatism on your part. 👍.

Milo

[davianne in reply to Laura009]

Oh Laura, please don't apologise for repeating your tragic story, it needs to be aired frequently, to inform carers and sufferers alike of the consequences of this poison.

Very well done Laura, your a great support for all forum members.

David

[Laura009 in reply to davianne]

Thankyou David xx

[Hidden in reply to Laura009]

Laura

You know via our PM's that I can truely relate to the awful tormented pain you've been through with your husband!

As you know I had a similar situation with not only my first husband but my best friend too who are both no longer with here!,

Dzzie,

Like everyones stated on this forum unless your hubby admits his disease of alcoholism there's no pleasant away of avoiding a sad ending.

Please, please take care of yourself and you to Laura !

Love Trish xxx

[Popel in reply to Laura009]

Hi Laura.although I knew you’d lost your husband I’d never read about some of the things you and your family have been through.your input is so invaluable on here and long may it continue.lots of love and hugs.paul

[Laura009 in reply to Popel]

Thankyou Paul. That means alot.

Hugs back xxx

[Popel in reply to Laura009]

Your welcome Laura.your story and many on here just shows the resolve we have to get through the bad times.and to offer advice and show that people aren’t alone and there’s always someone who’s been through what they are experiencing and who’ll listen.and it’s so comforting to know we are not on our own.paul x

[Dizzie14]

Bless you Laura it is comforting to know that I am not the only one suffering and I will show him how desperate it is 😭

[davianne in reply to Dizzie14]

Dizzie, you should try and show Laura's heartbreaking story to your Husband. He needs to realise the damage his intransigence and denial is having on you, and your family. If it takes drastic action, a 999 call or hospitalisation to get him detoxed, then that's just tough love, so you've no need to feel guilty, it's your Husband's life at stake.

Please look after yourself as well, I wish you much luck in talking your Husband roundt to reality,

David

[Laura009]

There are far more of us out there than we realise. I know l felt at the time that l was going through the worst of it 2005 to 2010 that I must be the only 1. There was no support for me or my children, maybe there was but it was never offered to me. I'd like to think things have improved now. the best support l recieved was from 3 doctors at my local surgery and his specialist and consultant were amazing. I can't praise highly enough the nurses doing 24hour 1 on 1 care in ITU either.

Xx

[Hidden]

Good morning Dizzie14, I am so sorry to here about your situation, I hope you can find the support and help you need. Our helpline is 08006527330 and is open Mon-Fri 10am -14.45pm.

Please do call if you would like to talk things through.

best wishes

Trust9

[1155Cat]

I am sorry for what you are having to witness what your husband is doing to himself .. prayers that he will accept that he has an issue and do what it takes to get back to a healthy lifestyle ... you, take care of yourself ... you have said and done what you can to help him ... now it is up to him to do what he needs to do to take care of himself.

[lyn3]

Morning dizzie, i am going through the same situation as you, husband not wanting to go to the drs or hospital appointments,saying he is fine when he clearly isnt, me being the one to ring an ambulance when he is very sick, the hospital giving him treatment eg a drip,telling him to stop drinking or else and sending him home.Hes been an alcoholic for over 30 years ..Unfortunaly when some are diagnosed with cirrhosis they believe its a death sentence and say whats the point in giving up. What i find helpful is coming on here and talking to others who have been and are in the same situation, lauras story is a perfect example of how hard it is and i for one apprciate her sharing because even if our men dont listen at least we know what to expect. Unfortunatly with mine i showed him lauras story and he says well every one is different. (because hes not been told by the drs he has cirrhosis and they have said all his tests come back ok, he has all the symptoms ,fluid in the legs and feet,pain in his legs, swollen belly, pains in his stomach and back and sides, sometimes looking slightly yellow,dorreaha,sickness (some days) and on his file that he had printed off it states hes got it,very confusing)...I have now made the choice that its his choice to continue to drink,its his choice to ignore the advice,its his choice to not take care of himself and i dont have to suffer or put up with his choices, So my choice is to take care of number one me.Now im not saying im not there for him when he is sick, because i still take water to him with his long term meds, i do still clean up after him when he is sick and i still call an ambulance and go with him to the hospital, i dont and will never stop caring for him, but i also wont put him before me. Its hard but when your ill whos going to take care of you? because from experience and im sure laura and others will agree, you will become ill before he does, because its hard work looking after someone you love who wont look after themselves...We are here for you and if you want to private talk im willing to listen. All the best and remember you are your priority...

[Dizzie14 in reply to lyn3]

Thank you so much lyn3. That is exactly my husband too they think they are super human when it is us that are just keeping them going. I had to get up and get everything ready for him this morning to try and get him to work. Now enjoying the quiet time before work.

[lyn3 in reply to Dizzie14]

Morning dizzy. Yeah i call him robot because of the length of time and amount he drinks and smokes he shouldnt be here. But yeah they think they are invisable. Well hubby has come to the realisation that he is very ill but instead of him thinking i dont have to be (which i have told him till im have been blue in the face,i dont say it anymore) he thinks whats the point in giving up something he wants to do. Good on you for doing what you do for him, i have had people tell me not to do anything for him,to sit and refuse to engage with him till he sees sense or even leave him. (I am in the process of getting my own place because when something happens to him i will become homeless because the house is in his name and they wont let me go on his tenacy, long story ,but he knows where he stands with me) I know that wouldnt work with him because one of his friends wife left him because she couldnt take watching him drink himself to death and all he done was drink more, and he said thats what he would do. But one thing i have stopped doing is being there on his becon call. For eg, if i was out with a friend having coffee and he rang me and said i need you home, im not well i think im dieing (which happened alot) i would drop everything and go home. When i decided enough was enough i dont have a life because of his choices, i started saying yeah ill be home when im done, he stopped doing it after a while. Its ok doing things for him as long as you make sure its not stopping you from having a life. Ahh the peace and quite.:).. Do you sit and think man its like having a child? its that feeling when you take your child to school and you get home make yourself a cuppa and say ahh this is so nice, tee hee.... Unfortunatly a few of his freinds have passed away younger than him through the affects of alcohol.And he has seen one particular best friend deteriorate so fast.But whats so sad is when you see his wife so drained and exausted ,take him to the pub because he gave her hell other wise and he could barely walk because he was just skin and bone, and hubby went to bar and bought him a pint,and he was drinking it through a straw because he was shaking so much, that was the last time he saw him till he passed away a month later.and that still wasnt a wake up call, why?because they think its never going to happen to them.Its a cruel and nasty way to die.Try and have a good day today, and enjoy the peace and quite.. smiles..

[dizti]

I’m so sorry for what you are going through!!! I’m going through the same!! I hope you can look after you a bit too! Xxx