British Lung Foundation
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A hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Wednesday with its epicentre in Basildon. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived.

Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon . One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop.


This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps

Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)

Shell suits (female)

White stilettos

White sport socks

Rockport boots

Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals

Tins of baked beans


Ice cream

Cans of Special Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms

£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine

£5 buys fags and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.


Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut...

"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,

"Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.

15 Replies

Love it !


This is hilarious, johnwr. The Essexonians are going to love you!! But is is so funny. I want to be able to pass it on - this cut,paste, whatever still eludes me. If I sent you PM, with my email address, could you send it that way.



My grandson has said something of the sort about how they the repercussions were happening in Wickford (near Basildon you know the Bond place) as he is at the moment working in a bar there. He has told me the residents are drinking more and going out of the bar less (they are smoking less) and when he asked what was going on all they said 'its only the drink or the fags as ATOS has hit them hard'.

The hurricane was noticed but they thought it was just people having a reaction to all the beans they are eating there.

If he gets any more information I will let you know as soon as poss.

Kindest regards



Brilliant, I love it


Nice one, love it.


The Essex lion any news on that chap





Lynne xx


This is so funny, thanks!


Glad you all enjoyed this piece. So nice to be appreciated.


Gosh I am crying with laughter, don't have any white high heels will a pair of daps do?


Just sending it to my mates in Romford now. pmsl..


I notice there's no-one owning up to coming from Essex and trying to defend themselves from this stereotyping. Love it.


fantastic this has really cheered me up? love it.


I'm from Essex !!!! I've seen this before and it does tickle me, but did anyone see Jonathan meades programme on Essex, a very different view and it made me proud x x


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