While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things
that are important to each other."
He addressed the man,
"Can you describe your wife's favourite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"It's Self raising, isn't it?
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?" "You'll see", he replies.
They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.
" Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."
His daughter screams... "Don't eat it, Jimmy !...... It's an arsehole...!!!"
There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.
As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke, "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe.
"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out...."Ugh, run, amigo, run!!
Dis not a Bacon Tree!" "Dis... a.... Ham bush"
Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.
Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5
people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"
"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry
"You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four.
You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."
The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I
want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"
"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Sergeant Murphy is busy arresting 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."