Hey sorry guys, don't mean to bother you with all this but I just want to write down how I feel since I don't have the chance to talk to someone about all this, just getting my feelings out will make me feel a bit better I hope.
After learning about my mild emphysema 3 days ago, Iam not doing well psychologically. I didn't take Xanax for years but I find myself taking 3 or 4 a day just to numb the bad feelings and even then I still feel anxious. I keep thinking about the worst constantly. Prior to diagnosis I was off work for 4 years due to huge depression and anxiety, I see a psychotherapist every week for the last 3 years. Then this emphysema thing happens.
I smoked a couple of cigs today and yesterday instead of the pack I usually smoke so I have a lot of guilt about those cigarettes I smoke even if I keep telling myself that after 25 years of smoking maybe I need a little time to adjust and stop completely ?
Having no job and basically no friends I do find it hard to deal with all this. I didn't have good relations with my family but I had the urge to reconnect with them in the last 2 days, without telling them about the emphysema as to not worry them.
I wasn't always that lonely person, I had friends, a job, a social life until I was laid off work 4 years ago. I went into a spiral of staying home constantly, worrying about my social anxiety and smoked a lot to fill the lonely days.
It was so good to be around some of my family today as our relations weren' the best since I got depressed but god, at the same time I just wanted to cry and tell them how stressed and scared Iam but I don't want to worry them, they're already worried about my depression and social anxiety and that's enough suffering for them.
Usually I have panick attacks when I go out but since the diagnosis I can't bear staying home with these dark thoughts, it's unbearable so I went out yesterday and today, had a long walk, I was a bit breathless and my leg hurt but at least I didn't stay home.
Although Iam not too happy about taking 3 xanax per day I guess they do help in reducing the smoking since I feel calmer, without the xanax I was so panicky and restless I would have smoked much more.
After 2 years of psychotherapy I was kind of ready to go back into the world and was actually looking forward to work and have a social life again but that diagnosis a few days ago just threw all those plans away, I can barely function right now as sick with worry and don't feel motivated at all to find a job even though I know that would be better for me to keep busy but with my social anxiety and the health worries I just cant do anything right now.
Again sorry to be all gloomy, I just had to write down my feelings here.
Still, I hope you all had a better day and wish you all a good evening and peace of mind.