Every so often I get scam emails, usually referring to a 'remittance', and inviting me to open the attachment - supposedly a spreadsheet that would make all clear. I never do of course. But I've just received a particularly inventive one that I'd like to share for your amusement:
'From the Desk of Dr.Ibrahim Lamorde,
Head of Economic and Financial Crime Commission (E.F.C.C)
Hello: Honorable Beneficiary,
This is to bring to your attention that the Federal Government of Nigeria establishes this Agency to fight corruption here in Nigeria. The present Government wants to fight corruption to redeem the image of this country at abroad to attract foreign investors here.we do not intend to waste our time on this payment exercise than to have your fully overdue payment with its accrued interest which came up to U$100,000000(Hundred Million Dollars) from the Federal Reserve to settle all foreigners who has been a victim of Scam/Fraud over here in Nigeria/London.
I am Dr.Ibrahim Lamorde Chairman Economic and Financial Crime Commission, a committee set up by the Federal Government of Nigeria under the able former President Alhaji Umaru Yar'Adua. The purpose of the committee among other is to investigate, verify and settle all foreigners/ contractors who have been a victim of Scam. Consequently, we received a directive from the office of the president, ordering the above office to settle you with a Compensation fee of $18.5million into your Bank account because you have been a victim of scam and fraud over here in Nigeria.
We wish to inform you that in our record here, you have fulfilled such conditions. But the reasons why your own fund has to be delayed is because, there is presently a counter claims on your funds by one Mr. Khan, a Pakistan American citizen who is presently trying to make us believe that you entered into an agreement with him, to help you in receiving your fund, in his bank account in China. So here comes the big question. Did you sign any Deed of Assignment in favor of Mr. Khan thereby making him the current beneficiary with the following account details: Account Name:Indo-China Group Ltd, A/C #: USD114-102-5567-8,Bank Name: Standard Chartered bank, 138-141 1st Floor, Edinburgh Tower, the Landmark, 15 Queens Road, Central Hong Kong, Swift Code: SCBL 11k111.
If you did not sign, nor authorize Mr. Khan to receive your payment on your behalf, kindly reconfirm to us, your genuine bank account details and full address, to avoid making payment to a wrong person, attempt to divert your payment to a new account without your knowledge may have been done by your local representative with the assistance of some Officials, whom most of them are presently under our custody and will face prosecution under section 35A sub section 1-2-4 of the criminal code of Nigeria/London, pending on when we finish with our investigation This office is glad to inform you that your payment shall be made as soon as this information needed from you is submitted, either by Telegraphic Transfer or (ATM CARD) This office supersedes every other department in the CBN; every other banks in Nigeria and correspondence bank abroad and is thus responsible for the final payment. The consequences of not heeding to this warning would be yours.T>
Although we have been able to come up with some good result about the people that have extorted money from people illegally and I wish to list them so that you will personally indicate them by writing back because we want to make you deliver your payment to you without any delay but we must surely deal and bring this names to book if only you will indicate correctly any of them. The names of those we have arrested are as follows:
1) Dr Paul Kofi
2) Henry Mark
4) CHIEF JOSEPH SANUSI
5) DR. R.RASHEED
6) BARRISTER YEMI WAKALI
7) BARRISTER UCHEUZO WILLIAMS.
8) MR.GREEN NWANKWO
UNION BANK (NIGERIA) PLC
9) Mr. Ernest Chukwudi Ebi
10) Agent John Edward
11) Mr. Eric William
Deputy Governor - Policy / Board Member
12) Mr. Tunde Lemo Deputy Governor - Financial Sector
13) MR CUPPA ACOKA.
FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA.
14) Mrs. W. D. A. Mshelia
So we are waiting for you to write us and inform us if any of the above names have once contacted you in respect to your fund if yes don’t waste time to indicate it immediately. We apologize on behalf of the President and the good citizens of Nigeria/London for any delay and lost this must have caused you, and promise that such thing will not happen again. Considering the circumstances at hand, you are advice not to accept any fax or telephone calls that does not come from this office or office of the Director UNITY BANK NIGERIA PLC.