After a couple post, I’m still pretty new here. I “stalked” the sight a while before I got courage to join and do my first post. I admit I was nervous about the whole thing. I wondered if I did it right, or if I misspelled anything or… the list of what ifs was long. After so many replies welcoming me to your sight, I felt like I was accepted; I was a part of something. I continue to “stalk” LOL, but often when I have something on my mind, someone ask about and it is replied to. I have my answer without having to ask personally. I guess that’s the lazy way? This post is a confession; a secret confession actually. I’ve been diagnosed with copd, polycythemia vera, pulmonary hypertension, and congestive heart failure. My health just seemed to go down quickly. One day I was working full time, spending time with my 5 grown children and grandchildren; (11) and it seems the next day I was sick. Each day I seemed to go down more. I was diagnosed with everything from diabetes to hypertension. When I final did hit rock bottom and spent 7 days on the hospital, they found the polycythemia vera and pulmonary hypertension, but I’m told the damage to my heart and lungs is already done. The damage to my lungs is ilreserveable. I’m supposed to be on oxygen 24/7. It’s been 10 months now and I take short walks without oxygen, but most of the time I become short of breath doing everyday things (taking a shower, dressing, light house work etc.) I am lonely. I haven’t received a visitor in almost a year. My children are busy with their own lives and I don’t see a lot of them. I become so frustrated about this shortness of breath and not being able to do many things, I want to scream. Truly, I just feel like raising my arms and screaming until there is nothing left. I feel like breaking something; just smashing things! I feel like crying. I feel sad. At time I feel beaten. Oh I know they’re surely many people worse than me, and in the mist of all my self-pity I do find time to be thankful. Well, this is my confession. I know you’re probably tired of reading this bla,bla,bla. But I believe I feel better now that I have this off my chest. I wish I had someone to tell this to, then I would not have had to bore you with it, but sadly I don’t. Thanks so much for being here for people like me.
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