How to give a cat a pill

I am sure a lot of you will have seen this before. It has been around a long time. It is one of my favourite jokes ever so I hope you will enjoy it again.

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left

arm as if holding a baby.

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's

mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding

pill in right hand As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,

holding rear paws tightly with left hand.

;Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right

forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,

hold front and rear paws.

Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head

firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.

Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.

Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler

and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines

and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with

head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with

pencil and blow down drinking straw

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and

drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's

forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.

Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard,

and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force

mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on

hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last

tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.

Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new

one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the #$%^&* cat from the top of the

tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into

fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little

*&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind

tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by

large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically

and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the

emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and

forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call

furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call

local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

3. All done!

10 Replies

  • One of my favourites!

  • Brilliant what a great laught. Berwick

  • So funny and so true, How do cats suddenly grow 10 extra legs in these situations? Mine's starting a course of anti b's today, I have to crush them very finely and sprinkle in tuna, none of the value stuff for my cat, has to be the good stuff. Then she considers it a fair deal! Sadie xx

  • So very funny and so very true have been there on a few occasions getting the terrible sweats!! :) Janexx

  • As a cat lover and owner this is so true! My cat hatest he cat basket and if he realises I am going to put him in he is a nightmare. Flailing legs and body and bolting away to hide. The only way to do it is to put basket on end. Leave it for a few minutes. Grab cat and shove him in before he can react. Then check to see if still got all my fingers! He then howls all the way to vets.

  • Hilarious. Having tried to do this a couple of times, I can vouch for every step! I no longer have any pets!!

  • Very funny


  • So true, wowsa. One of ours managed to scratch face, hands and neck of me, husband, daughter, vetinary nurse and vet and that was just getting her into the crash cage. The next owner in the waiting room looked on horrified as we emerged, rearranging clothes and dabbing blood drips with tissues. The vet tried to look cool and calm as blood seeped through his hastily tied bandage. She had been rescued from drowning as a kitten and was always a bit odd, sitting in the sink, sucking taps, suckng our fingers as we slept etc. She was a lovely sweet natured cat with an extra toe on each foot. We could do anything with her except take a trip t o the vet. :-) :-) Alison

  • That is so funny but I know from experience it is true.

  • I couldn't stop laughing. I've got a cat that comes to our house. He just walked in one day. I know where he belongs but he doesn't seem to like it. He can be really feisty. One day I lifted him up for a cuddle and he grabbed me hold with his teeth and wouldn't let go until I smacked his bottom. It was quite nasty and I had to go to our minor injuries Hospital. I don't lift him any more.

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