Daily Laughter Tuesday
Good happy Tuesday my friends
I am off to the Heath Hospital today for my 5th dose of Immunoglobulin another where the vein game for the sister
Have a great Tuesday
Please enjoy them
Kids Jokes - You Quack Me Up!!!
Back to Jokes
Here is the list of silly jokes, puns, and riddles for children and kids:
Q: What goes up and down but does not move?
Q: Where should a 500 pound alien go?
A: On a diet
Q: What did one toilet say to the other?
A: You look a bit flushed.
Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed.
Q: What did one wall say to the other wall?
A: I'll meet you at the corner.
Q: What did the paper say to the pencil?
A: Write on!
Q: What do you call a boy named Lee that no one talks to?
Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
A: A towel.
Q: Why do bicycles fall over?
A: Because they are two-tired!
Q: Why do dragons sleep during the day?
A: So they can fight knights!
Q: What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up?
A: Someday my prints will come!
Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It over swept!
Q: What part of the car is the laziest?
A: The wheels, because they are always tired!
Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: Stick with me and we will go places!
Q: What is blue and goes ding dong?
A: An Avon lady at the North Pole!
Q: We're you long in the hospital?
A: No, I was the same size I am now!
Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
A: Because he was sitting on the deck!
Q: What did the laundryman say to the impatient customer?
A: Keep your shirt on!
Q: What's the difference between a TV and a newspaper?
A: Ever tried swatting a fly with a TV?
Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
A: I think I'm coming down with something!
Q: Why was the belt arrested?
A: Because it held up some pants!
Q: Why was everyone so tired on April 1st?
A: They had just finished a March of 31 days.
Q: Which hand is it better to write with?
A: Neither, it's best to write with a pen!
Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot!
Q: What makes the calendar seem so popular?
A: Because it has a lot of dates!
Q: Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space?
A: He wanted to find Pluto!
Q: What is green and has yellow wheels?
A: Grassâ€¦..I lied about the wheels!
Q: What is it that even the most careful person overlooks?
A: Her nose!
Q: Did you hear about the robbery last night?
A: Two clothes pins held up a pair of pants!
Q: Why do you go to bed every night?
A: Because the bed won't come to you!
Q: Why did Billy go out with a prune?
A: Because he couldn't find a date!
Q: Why do eskimos do their laundry in Tide?
A: Because it's too cold out-tide!
Q: How do you cure a headache?
A: Put your head through a window and the pane will just disappear!
Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck!
Q: What kind of car does Mickey Mouse's wife drive?
A: A minnie van!
Q: Why don't traffic lights ever go swimming?
A: Because they take too long to change!
Q: Why did the man run around his bed?
A: To catch up on his sleep!
Q: Why did the robber take a bath before he stole from the bank?
A: He wanted to make a clean get away!
This next dog joke is called Liver and Cheese. I saw this on the Dog Friendly Britain Forum.
Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."
She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says .......
"Liver alone. Cheese mine."
This one made me laugh a lot so thanks to my friend Simone for sending it to me.
'Dog Joke': How many dogs does it take to...... These are the answers from dogs when asked "How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?"
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse tied round his neck. He walks up to the meat counter and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be served. A man, who is already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and notices the dog.
The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put his paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?" The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds of ground beef.
He then said, "Anything else?" The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?" The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.
The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied the two packages of meat around the dog's neck.
The man who had been watching all this time, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several minutes and then trotted up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.
As the owner appeared at the door, the man said to him, "That's a really smart dog you have there." The owner replied, "He's not all that smart. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his keys."
When we divorced we shared the house 50 / 50. She got the inside...I got the outside !
Every time I find Mr Right my husband scares him away.
The inherent downside in a life of pursuing women is the possibility of inadvertently catching one.
Marriage is a strange phenomenon that happens to human beings. And the best part is, both the unmarried and the married are unhappy, though for radically opposite reasons, one for not being married, and the other for being married
Marriage is a three ring circus. An engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffer-ring.
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.
Marriage is an investment that pays dividends if you pay interest.
The secret of a successful marriage is incompatibility. He has the income, you have the patibility.
When a husband's words are sharp, it may be from trying to get them in edgeways.
My ex was a heart surgeon. She ripped my heart out.
If Love is Blind and Marriage is an Institution, then Marriage is an Institution for the Blind.
The difference between a girlfriend and a wife is about 100 pounds.
Marriage,five minutes to get in and a lifetime to get out of.
A dietitian was addressing a large audience in Chicago: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous to some and none of us realize the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
A man tells his wife of 15 years that it feels like they've only been married for 5 minutes the wife says that's so sweet and he says yeah 5 minutes under water.
My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog - you know he'll shut up when he comes in.
A cop tries to pull over a guy for speeding who tries to outrun him. Finally the guy gives up and pulls over. The now PO'd cop walks up and yells at the guy, "What's the big idea?" The guy responds, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," he said, "and I was afraid he was trying to give her back!" "Off you go," said the officer.
"My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't". -
"Marriage" Requires commitment to an institution - see "insanity"
The happiest time in a man's life is that period of time between his first and second marriage. The problem is ... he doesn't realize it, until the second marriage!
"I Will" is the shortest sentence in the English language..."I Do" is the longest
The secret to successful investing for retirement is to keep your first wife!!!
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife. -
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. -
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. -
I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
A 98 year old man and a 95 year old woman went to a lawyer to get a divorce."How long have you been married?" he asked. "75 rough and rocky years," they said. "Then, why have you waited so long to file for divorce?" They replied, "We had to wait for the kids to die!" -
"I bought my ex a gift for her birthday, but she didn't use it so I'm not going to get her another." "What did you get her?" " A cemetery plot!"
Make love, not war. --Hell, do both, get married! -
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." -
Have you heard of the new divorced Barbie doll? - She comes with all of Ken's stuff
Marriage is like a cold; you come down with one; you get better; and you hope you never get another
Ex-es, Can't live with them, can't leave the court house with them.
"Congratulations, my boy!" said the uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life." "But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," the groom protested. "I know," replied the uncle. "That's what I mean."
The only difference between marriage and prison is that at least prisoners occasionally get to finish a sentence. -
I didn't get married until I was 37. By then I had done all the things I wanted to do, seen all the things I wanted to see, been to all the places I wished to visit. But I didn't know what real happiness was until I got married. Then it was too late! -
Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to exercise daily, have a much better diet stop drinking, smoking. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market. Now I want a divorce, because I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough or me. -
Marriage is the only war which you sleep with the enemy.
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked. -
The definition of alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got!
A woman sits down next to an attractive man on a bus. She says "you look just like my 4th husband". The man replies, "Your FOURTH husband, how many times have you been married?" "Three" the woman replies.
Marriage is a great institution, but only if you like being institutionalized -
Divorce is like passing a kidney stone. It hurts like hell, takes what seems forever to pass, results in an enormous bill, and men will always think they have something great to show for it when they get to keep the worthless stone.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative. -
I just got back from a pleasure trip - I drove my wife to the airport. -
My wife and I were happy for twenty years...then we met. -
On that subject I think we shall call it a day
Hope that you enjoyed them
Please my friends have a great Tuesday whatever you are doing
Breath Easy my friends